One of the marriage blogs I enjoy keeping up with is Marriage Actually written by Kerri and her husband, um, Bald Man. A few days ago Kerri wrote a post titled "I Want It To Matter To You That It Matters To Me." One line that stood out to me was, "I find the thing that frustrates me most is not that he doesn’t get why I’m upset, it’s that he’s seemingly not upset that I’m bothered."
I know all husbands can relate to this situation. I am again reminded about how differently men and women think. Men tend to think about one thing at a time, and so if we don't happen to be thinking about what our wives are thinking/worried/upset about, it's very hard for us to show that we care.
This reminds me of when we are getting ready for a trip in our house. I'm someone who can wait on packing and can take an hour to pack for a three-day trip because of all the other more interesting things going on in the rest of the house. My wife, on the other hand, needs to get packing done early. She needs to have time to pack in order to have peace of mind. Did you catch the key word there? Needs. As in, something that must happen for the desired result.
Though I don't like packing early, I can do it and be fine with it. Yes, she could wait and get ready for the trip later, but she will feel on-edge and stressed before, during, and after. Saying something like, "Don't worry about it, it'll get done" is only making things worse. Though we are trying to help her be carefree, she feels we are simply being careless.
To help with these situations — the ones where I'm having a hard time caring about what she's caring about — I have forced myself into the habit of saying, "If you really need me to do this for you, I will." And my wife has learned how to sincerely ask, "I would feel a lot better if we could sit down and do this right now."
If she needs it for her peace of mind, we need to get on it whether we think it's a big deal or not. We might not naturally care about what she is concerned about, but we must choose to. We must learn how to care, not because we necessarily care about the issue, but because we care about her.
June 30, 2008
For Her Peace Of Mind
June 17, 2008
Relationship Advice From Garth Brooks
Sometimes I'll be sitting across the room from my wife and I am overcome with emotion. As I admire her beauty and think about all the wonderful years we have spent together, I can't help but ask myself, "What did she choose me? Why did she choose to put up with me and not some other better looking man with less issues and quirks?" During these moments my heart swells, and I am just so thankful for the love of that woman.
In these moments of wonder, do you tell your wife how you're feeling? I know that many men struggle with being able to express their feelings, which is a real shame because our wives really need to hear what's on our hearts. The other day I heard a remake of Garth Brooks' classic If Tomorrow Never Comes and I was reminded of how important it is to tell my wife how I feel about her, even if it's uncomfortable. The song doesn't need any commentary, so I thought I would just post the lyrics and leave it at that.
Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
Shes lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart?
(chorus)
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her?
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That shes my only one?
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes?
Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel
(chorus)
So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes
(And if you're at all interested in hearing the song, but aren't into the twang of Garth, do a search for Ronan Keating. He did a great remake a few years ago.)
June 9, 2008
About Putting Her Laundry Away
The other day I was putting away some folded laundry on the bed that my wife didn't have time to put away. Without thinking, I put my own stuff away and left hers laying where it was. After thinking about what I had done, I realized that I have somehow picked up the lame excuse of "Well I don't know where all her stuff goes."
I stopped, thought a second, and then decided I could at least try and figure out where these few articles of clothing belong. Besides, even if I didn't know were all the stuff goes, I certainly could help out with some of it. (I think part of my hesitation comes from having a mommy. I mean, she could touch my cartoon-print briefs and put them away, but I was never asked or expected to do the same for her. Mom's underwear drawers were off-limits and confusing.)
After checking a few drawers, I realized that, yes, I could put the clothes away in their place with confidence, and that my reasoning of not knowing where things go was just an excuse not to take an extra thirty seconds and give my wife a little help. And so, I have once again seen an area in which I haven't been giving 100%.
This marriage thing takes constant work, but it sure is worth it, isn't it?
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Photo by minorthird
June 6, 2008
Let Traditions Happen
For some reason, I don't really like the word "tradition." I guess it tends to connote something old, outdated, stodgy, or inflexible. We often hear it preceded by the words "stuck in."
But I've learned to get over that when it comes to my marriage. Within the first year of our marriage, my wife and I found ourselves developing our own traditions. One night, a few months into our marriage, my wife asked if I would bring her something to drink as we were getting into bed, referring to it as "a present" I could give her. Somehow that stuck and now she gets her "present" every night (usually water, occasionally tea :-). Another example is when the Olympics are taking place, for at least one night of it we'll drag our mattress into the living room and sleep on the floor with the all-night coverage going on the TV.
If things like this seem trivial and silly to you, just remember that no relationship develops very far without some aspect of uniqueness. For example, you and your best friends probably have at least a modest arsenal of inside jokes that you've developed over time. It's not that you tried to create inside joke material, it's that the opportunity arose as you spent time together and you let it happen. Traditions in marriage work the same way. They give your relationship a unique identity and help you and your wife develop some specific things that define you as a couple — experiences or dynamics that you share only with each other.
So what might it be in your marriage? The possibilities are endless...repeating a certain special date occasionally, doing something unconventional as part of your normal daily routine, having sex every time you stay the night somewhere new, making pancakes every Saturday morning, or whatever. What traditions have you and your wife created together?
May 25, 2008
How To Deflect Unexpected Sexual Tension
Contrary to what we might have thought about the subject before we got married, married men are still attracted to beautiful women. Usually these are manageable feelings of attraction, as we only see these women in passing and can help starve our eyes for our wives by simply glancing away. The moment of sexual tension is short; whether you won or lost, the battle is over.
But sometimes it's not so easy. Sometimes we're put in a one-on-one situation with a gorgeous woman and we can't do anything but think about the sexual tension. This may be at a dinner party, at the office, or with a random waitress at a restaurant. Sometimes it can even happen in the presence of our own wives.
And I call it sexual tension because feeling attracted to a woman other than your wife causes a bunch of crazy feelings inside. Yes, you are attracted, but no, you can't pursue those feelings. Yes, she is beautiful, but no, she is not yours to look at. Sometimes we can be tempted to be a little flirty, and sometimes it's awkward because you don't want to be flirty but you can't think of anything else to say that would ease the building tension.
I once heard a fantastic piece of advice to help during these times. Whenever you find yourself in these awkward situations with attractive women, talk about your wife. In a positive way, bring her up as often as you can. Look for ways to compliment her and share how much you love her. This obviously needs to be done tactfully, but by positively bringing up your wife during conversations with a woman you're attracted to, you will remind both yourself and the other woman that you have a wife, and that you love her very much.
And by doing this, the tension inside should start to ease.
More from iamhusband.com
Read More...May 21, 2008
When She's Having A Bad Day
How do you handle your wife when it's just "one of those days"? If you've been married long, you know the kind of day I'm talking about — the kind where there's something about her mood that just isn't normal. Her reactions to things (and often, to you) are unusually negative, her energy level is unusually low, and her outlook on life is a bit gloomy. The immature part of you wants to just write her off and ignore her on those days, and the selfish part of you wants to let her know how hard she's making things for you.
Is it possible to really handle a day like this well in your wife's life? Recently (it was the morning after One Of Those Days) I got out of bed to find that my wife, who had already been up a little while, had written out a little reflection of how I had treated her the previous day. Trust me, it doesn't always go this well, but in the interest of sharing ideas, I thought I'd let you see what she wrote (with her permission, of course). The lessons to be learned are self-evident and won't need any explanation:
"Yesterday, I had a terrible day. Nothing seemed right to me, and I got upset over everything. Nothing was truly wrong, except that our dog wasn’t feeling well. It was one of those days that you don’t even want to be around yourself. And, if others are being selfish, they will just shut you out or tell you how terrible you are being — or worse.Read More...
"But my husband always assumes the best about me. He knows I don’t want to be grumpy. He knows that I want to have patience and make the day pleasant for him and the kids — not to mention for myself. He never told me how difficult I was being. He just tried to help me by doing things for me, answering me gently, and most of all, just having patience. By last night, I felt better. I don’t know what was wrong. It could have been anything. But, because my husband assumed the best about me, it turned into a bonding experience. He affirms his love for me, not just when I’m pleasant, but when I’m not. And, that makes my love for him grow. We are both blessed in the end, and our marriage is better in spite of my bad day, and because of his good day — a day of assuming the best."
May 12, 2008
Ten Simple Secrets To Keeping Her Happy
I stumbled across an article posted by a Peter Myers here, which was actually taken from a story that is officially posted at MensHealth.com here, which they say is actually taken from a site called BestLifeOnline.com. (I did a quick search for it there, but couldn't find the original.)
Pointless things aside, thanks to Peter I came across Confessions of a Perfect Husband: 10 Simple Secrets To Keeping Her Happy, a very well-written article by Hugh O'Neil. The article is definitely worth a read, but I thought I would sum up the author's main points here.
Kill 'Never' and 'Always' – "They're-gas-on-the-fire-words."Mr. O'neil seriously nailed it with this one. Look at that list again. Which ones do you struggle with? What can you do about that today? Read More...
Work the reunions – "She gets only a sliver of your attention [when you come home]. Not good enough."
Laugh at her – "What's that you say? Your wife isn't funny? So what? Neither is your dolt of a boss, but you laugh at his lame attempts. Why? Because you're trying to prove you respect him. Bingo!"
Make the lions roar – "...be prepared to bark in unambiguous defense of your family. Don't shrink from this obligation. Your wife's regard for you will shrink if you do."
Be a little lamb-like, too – "A good husband relies on his wife, values her counsel, trusts her to love him even though he's not in command."
She needs closeness to feel sexual, you need sex to feel close – "I have no idea what to do about this. But great husbands have this reality in mind at all times."
Be touchy – "Nonsexual touch is a potent, underused endorsement of another soul."
See the coffee cup – "We don't help enough around the house. We're guilty. But here's the fix: Do more. Not a lot more--just a little more. One of the best things about women is that they really appreciate the smallest sign that you're trying. They're effort oriented."
She ain't broke, so don't fix her – "People rarely change unless they feel accepted as they are. Once folks feel they're not required to change, growth happens."
Play to win – "Set yourself free to play bravely by taking the big risk, divorce, off the table. Decide that you meant what you said at the wedding, that this woman, come what may, is your partner for life."
May 5, 2008
How To Have A Conversation With Your Wife
I found a great blog called The Simple Marriage Project that's got a lot of great stuff on it. One article that really stood out to me was "The Art Of Marital Conversations." This article connected with me right away because I have long since understood that having a real, productive conversation with someone is very much an art.
We cannot talk to our wives in the same ways we talked to our brothers and sisters when we were young; that accomplishes nothing, and we can't call mom when we hit an impasse. (Maybe I need to say, You had better not call mom when you hit an impasse. More on that in a later post.)
I encourage you to read his whole article, but below are his main pointers when having a conversation with your wife. (I've highlighted the parts that I really liked.)
Talk face to face. Anytime you are in a discussion with your spouse that is beyond the scheduling or surface level, do it face to face. If this is not possible, the phone will work, although this can limit the connection and increase the possibility of misunderstandings. Never try to cover deeper issues via email or text messages.
Turn off other distractions during the conversation. If you’re working on the computer, minimize the work or better yet, shut the whole thing off. If you’re watching TV, turn it off. If you are afraid of missing something in the game, get Tivo.
Don’t answer the phone. If it rings in the middle of the conversation, you have voicemail for a reason. Let it do it’s job.
Take the time to listen to her point of view. You are only one part of the relationship. Consider her side of things and ask for clarity if you don’t get what she’s saying. You don’t have to agree with everything she says to still love her. But it will help to understand her if you listen.
Forget about being right or wrong. As soon as the discussion turns to who’s right and who’s wrong, you’ve both lost. If you have an insatiable need to always be right when it comes to your spouse, riddle me this: what’s it like to be married to a loser? If you have to always be right, that makes your spouse always wrong. It’s not about right or wrong most of the time.
I can relate to all of these on some level. From personal experience, being intentional about these five things can improve your marriage exponentially in a very short time. Just wondering: which of these points really hit home for you?
April 25, 2008
Tell Her...Ahead Of Time
So I'm sitting at my computer, working hard and minding my own business when it hits me: I'd really like to get intimate tonight. I'm not sure where the thought came from, but the thought is in my mind and isn't going anywhere. For the rest of the day dreams of what will be fill my head and I get more and more excited about enjoying one of God's greatest gifts to marriage.
But my wife is having different thoughts. She's spent the day cleaning house and running errands. She's tired, but needs to call her mom before we go to bed. She's looking forward to crashing, and I'm feeling frustrated. I go to bed depressed; I don't want to tell her, but it's been on my mind all day.
This situation has repeated itself throughout our entire marriage in different ways. And there's no reason it shouldn't; we live two different lives and live a life together. Things are going to get in the way, and I will have to understand that. But I have discovered a wonderful marriage tool that can really help keep our sexual desires on the same schedule.
Now when I get that desire during the day, I simply pick a good moment to go up to her, hug her, and say that I'd really like to make love with her that night. By doing something so simple, she gets the rest of the day to expect what's coming. And when you both know it's coming, you both get to enjoy it.
Because unmet expectations are the worst.
April 17, 2008
Leave Her With A Kiss
I remember back when my wife and I were dating...and then engaged...and then newlyweds on our honeymoon. During this period of heightened infatuation, I didn't want to leave her without wrapping my arms around her, giving her a good kiss, and saying something meaningful to her.
If your parting moments have lost all semblance of affection, consider this simple tip: Never leave your wife without a kiss. Ever. They don't have to be earth-shattering kisses; a simple peck will do. But it is a simple way to affirm that she is still your lover, even if you happen to be parting ways for the time being.
And by all means, if you have opportunity in an appropriate setting, try to surprise her sometimes with a longer, steamier kiss before you run out the door. You'll leave her impressed and you just might come back home to a happier wife who is more eager to see you.
What are your goodbyes typically like? Am I on to something here?
— Another Husband
April 15, 2008
"Where Are You Right Now?"
I became aware of this habit a few years ago when my wife and I would be at a restaurant and seated where I could see a TV. Without fail, I would glance up and stare at it throughout our entire dinner. I didn't do it because I wanted to, but because it was there. It's like I am incapable of good eye contact and quality conversation with another person when there is a television nearby.
Though my wife never said anything, I decided that for me to be better focused on her, I would need to sit with my back to the distraction. Now, when we are walking to our table, I take a quick look at the surroundings and seat myself on the side where I will be least distracted. This has helped me show her that I want to be with her, and not with a football game between teams I don't even care about, or with a commercial about something I don't even want.
So am I alone in this, or can anyone else relate?
April 10, 2008
Compliment to Criticism Ratio
You can read more about the "Compliment to Criticism Ratio" and the challenge he's giving to husbands and wives on his blog here.
(And don't forget to let this be an opportunity to talk with your wife. Tell her what you've read, and what you think about it. Then challenge each other to try it for a month. Don't let the information stop here! )
April 8, 2008
Remember Your Wedding Day
Call your wife while you are at work today and tell her that you've been thinking about her. Then reminisce a little bit about your wedding day. Tell her how you were feeling, what you felt when you saw her in her wedding dress, or any other good memories that might come to mind.
If you're not a guy who does things like this, it doesn't mean you can't. If you've never done things like this before, it may feel real awkward to start now, but the payoffs are big. (Women are appreciative when they know you'd die for them, but they really like to hear the reasons why from time to time.)
Some helpful phrases:
- "I remember thinking..."
- "I was so..."
- "I couldn't believe..."
- "You looked..."
- "Thank you for..."
You might close by saying that you would marry her all over again, or that you were so in love with her that day, but that you love her even more today. Then let her know you look forward to seeing her again.
April 7, 2008
Being Naked
Some highlights:
"When's the last time that showering together wasn't foreplay?! Ever shared a long hug in the shower?"
"Lazy naked snuggling is so easy when you sleep together IF you don't go to bed exhausted and IF you wake up more than 30 seconds before you HAVE TO jump out of bed. Just wrap yourselves around each other and enjoy the contact; no movement or talking is required."
"One reason many women avoid this is they fear that it will 'always lead to sex,' while men often avoid it out of fear that "it won't lead to sex. The problem here is..."
March 31, 2008
One Question To A Better Marriage
There is one question I try to ask myself every single day that has had an incredible impact in every aspect of my marriage. It's a very simple yet powerful tool that enhances love and intimacy every time it is used. This one question can change your marriage. The question is:
How have I shown my wife that I love her today?
The how forces us to see if we've done something identifiable, the shown makes us ask ourselves if we've done something our wives have actually been able to see, and today gives us a time limit in which to do it. This question helps us remember to remember to love our wives. Asking this question has gotten me off my butt and into the kitchen to wash dishes many times, and her sweet "Thank you" has always made it worth it. I want her to see how much I love her, and that will only happen when I am consciously thinking about how to do it.
Start asking yourself this question today. Print it out and tape it the top of your monitor, set an alarm in your phone, or tattoo it backwards on your forehead. Let this be the start of phone calls and text messages of sweet nothings throughout your day. Let this be an offer to fold the laundry, bathe the kids, or vacuum the living room. And, if all of your creativity fails, simply go to your wife and ask, "How can I show you how much I love you today?"
(And make sure to come back and share your success stories with all of us.)
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