My wife and I will be traveling later this week, and just thinking about fighting the crowds and the uncomfortable layovers puts me in a bad mood. As fun as the destinations are (or should be), the traveling part sure can take its toll on a man. And things just get worse as the exhaustion sets in and as the body finally reacts to staying up late to pack and getting up early to get the airport.
As the travel day (or days) moves on, I notice that I get more and more irritable, and if I'm not careful I can take that irritability out on the woman I love more than anyone else in the world. I know we can probably all relate to seeing the husband who snaps at his wife in the ticket line, or who's yelling at the whole family as we are all waiting to board. He has let the travel stress get to him, and he has embarrassed himself and hurt his family.
I guess I just want to say that when you are traveling this summer and you really start to feel the stress of canceled flights, lost bags, or even just a sick kid in the car, do your best to keep yourself from saying hurtful things to the one you love. She is your partner and she's feeling the stress too, so remind yourself to keep your tongue under control when you are tempted to say something you shouldn't.
And if (when) you do end up saying something hurtful in a moment of weakness, make sure you apologize and explain that you didn't mean it, that you just feel overwhelmed (or exhausted, or frustrated), and that you didn't want to hurt her.
And to make her feel even better, remind her that you love having her with you when you travel.
June 15, 2008
Traveling With Your Wife
May 29, 2008
Bad Marriages Aren't Funny
One of the things I hated to hear as a newlywed was, "One year, huh? So you guys still like each other!" Still like each other? Is marriage supposed to be one big practical joke on the unsuspecting couple? For sure my marriage has changed over the years, but I most definitely still "like" my wife.
This thought comes to me today because I saw a post over at the blog Husband Clothes that is nothing but funny quotes about Marriage, Sex, Men, and Women. Though I always enjoy humor that points out the unique differences between men and women, hearing negative jokes on marriage never really hits me the way it's supposed to. For example:
- "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." Rodney Dangerfield
- "I don’t think I’ll get married again. I think I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house." Lewis Grizzard
- "The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy. The happy wish to be married, the married wish to be dead." Ann Landers
None of this is at all supposed to insult the writer over at Husband Clothes, it's just the fact that we have these jokes that really gets to me. Is marriage really that awful? Goodness I hope your answer isn't yes. And if it is, have you really ever mulled it over and asked yourself how to change it? I mean, wouldn't life be a lot more enjoyable if you could work on making it like it used to be instead of just complaining to your buddies about how it is now?
And coming back to those bright-eyed newlyweds: Why in the world do we even want to joke about how bad it will be? We may only be joking, but the power of suggestion is very real. Our joke today could be someone else's marriage five years from now.
And bad marriages just aren't funny.
May 23, 2008
A Better Marriage Through Books
In general men do not like reading (hence the usual 300-words-per-post on this site), but reading can be an amazing way to breathe new life into any project, as we learn from the wisdom of those who have gone before us. This is especially true with marriage.
I found an interesting link to iamhusband.com on the blog reallybigfingerprints.com written by Brent Cole. He wrote, "I've spent a lot of time reading about every topic concerning any job I've ever held, but I've spent very little time reading about parenting or marriage...If the saying 'Show me your wallet and your calendar and I'll show you what's important to you' holds any truth, certainly my reading list would also reflect to some degree what I value."
What an excellent point. We'll read what we have to at our jobs for training. We'll read the instruction manual of a gadget if we run into a problem. In life, we read what we have to read to get the job done, whether we want to or not. But for some reason we don't do that in marriage; we stay confused and stuck in our misunderstandings. And too often confusion and misunderstandings lead to anger and distance.
I challenge the husbands out there to pick up a book on marriage, not because it will solve all your problems, but because it will help you start thinking about how you can solve your problems. There are many great books out there, but I do highly recommend For Men Only
You may not like reading, but your marriage will love it.
May 14, 2008
The D Word
Let's throw an idea out there that is probably one of the simplest things you can do to really strengthen your marriage.
In his last post, A Husband made brief mention of something that I want to address on its own. It's a matter of steering clear of one word, making up your mind never to bring it up when referring to your relationship with your wife: Divorce.
Make up your mind that in your interactions with your wife, you absolutely will not bring up the possibility of your marriage ending in divorce. Not during arguments, not in passing comments, not even while joking (even if she is laughing along).
I don't say this because of anything that has to do with the word itself; it's just the whole concept and possibility it represents. You may not even realize it, but when you introduce and acknowledge the possibility of divorce into your marriage relationship, it isn't easily forgotten and doesn't easily vanish, especially when the going gets tough.
The lifelong commitment you made when you married her was way too awesome, courageous, and manly a thing to slowly chip away at through careless and unnecessary comments about divorce.
Read More...May 2, 2008
The Next Generation
When my wife and I were expecting our first child, I was struck by how often older guys who were already dads would make negative remarks about it. It wasn't that they were trying to discourage me. It was just that, given the opportunity to speak to a "new guy" from their experience as dads, they almost couldn't resist letting me know what a drag it could be or warning me about all the stuff I was soon going to be missing out on.
If we're not careful, we can be the same way when it comes to getting married. You've been married for several years, or maybe even just a few months, but in that time your marriage has had its ups and downs. Then along comes some starry-eyed young guy who is in love and looking forward to his wedding day and the blissful life that he'll have with his new bride. Do you sometimes find yourself wanting to deflate his bubble just a little bit? Maybe wanting to make sure he's clued in to the disappointments he's sure to face?
Catch yourself in these times. We husbands have a responsibility to mentor, encourage, and equip the next generation of guys that follows us. Instead, we sometimes can't seem to resist squelching the enthusiasm (or feeding the uncertainty) of these younger grooms.
There is a time and place for having a down-to-earth conversation with a groom-to-be about the realities of marriage, but casual, off-handed comments are not the place for it. These guys have a chance to start their marriages on the right foot and be the best husbands they can be. Let's make sure that what they're hearing from us is only furthering their desire to do that.
— Another Husband Read More...
April 29, 2008
A Stay-At-Home Mom's Wish List
A Good Husband has a great guest post from a wife in his series "What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew." Here's a summary of what she said, but definitely go check out the whole article.
These are great reminders. Make sure you don't leave it here. Go out and practice it!
Be observant: Since its not fair to wish for a mind reader, this is the next best thing, right? Just notice stuff. Like the nice dinner I prepared, or the extra effort I made to run that errand for you, or the kids stinky diaper, or the hug I could really use right about now. Then take those keen observations and act on them.
April 28, 2008
Stop Doing What You Know She Hates
I got into this habit of leaving my pajama pants (I guess they're more like lounge pants) on our bed every morning after I would get dressed for the day. After a while I started to notice that every day they ended up folded and put away in a drawer. I finally realized (because it can take me a while) that my wife preferred my pants in the drawer, and not thrown on the bed. I'm quick, I know.
But then I started thinking: She probably gets irritated with putting these away every day, but she isn't saying anything because she's telling herself that this is just "a little thing." I decided that whether or not she was actually bothered, I knew I would be if the situation was reversed, and so I decided to start folding them and putting them away myself.
She's never said anything about it, and it might not have even bothered her at all, but little things can turn into big things over time, and I didn't want my wife feeling angry and guilty for feeling angry over a pair of my old sweats.
We all have those "little things" we do that we know our wives don't like. So today, ask yourself: What's one thing I do that I know my wife wishes I didn't? Don't do it to get recognition from her; do it because this is just a small way you can help your wife love and appreciate you more.
Some random ideas that came to mind:
- Leaving your laundry out
- Too much time with the computer or video games
- Those awful, predictable jokes you always make in front of guests
- Letting the kids do what she doesn't want them to
- Being too open with your scratching, burping and farting
- Forgetting to hang up your towel
April 19, 2008
"Then What Did I Just Say?"
"What's for dinner?" is the only question many husbands ask their wives, and the only one to which they care about the answer. ~Mignon McLaughlin
Husbands forget to ask their wives about what's going on in their lives. We get stuck in the routine of asking the same questions over and over, and often our questions really come across as heartless. For example, saying something like, "How was your day at work?" while we are watching TV or doing nothing on the internet. We fall into the habit of asking these questions because we're supposed to, and not because we really care to hear the answer.
When you hear your wife say, "Oh yeah? Then what did I just say?" that means you have not been listening and that you should turn off the TV, face her, and continue the conversation. The question "Then what did I say?" shouldn't be taken as a test of whether or not our subconcious can regurgitate information we weren't paying attention to, but it should be an indicator that our wives feel like we're not listening to what they want to tell us.
And why in the world would we want to make them feel like that?
