Catching Up With Your Wife

Last week my wife and I were pretty busy several days in a row. We work in the same place and see each other all day, but it just felt like it had been weeks since I had had a conversation with her. We were "ships passing through the night," as I once heard it described, and I felt a little lonely.

So one night when we were getting ready to fall into the same routine of just getting ready for bed and drifting off to sleep, I asked her if we could sit and talk. When her face showed sign of concern, I assured her it wasn't about anything, but that I just missed her and wanted to talk to her.

It was good catching up with her. Though we knew exactly what the other had been doing the few previous days, it was good to hear about how she was feeling about those events, and it was good to share with her the things that were on my mind as well. I love being friends with my wife, and sometimes life gets so busy we miss the opportunities to enjoy that friendship.

How long has it been since you have initiated a catching up time with your wife? When was the last time you sat on the couch together with the TV and computers off and just talked? Doing this is a small way to remember why you love her so much, and it's always good to remind yourself of that.

About That Intimacy Thing — Part II

Last time we talked about the definition of real intimacy and related it to the sexual realm of our marriages. Today, I want to talk more about the emotional side intimacy, and it's that emotional side where our wives often reside.

I believe the best definition for intimacy that I've heard is "the freedom from anxiety in the presence of vulnerability." Sexually, I think that definition makes perfect sense; it's obvious, I don't need to think to hard about it. And I think that's because a lot of men find this intimacy in the bedroom. If you validate me as a real man there, I'll be more likely to feel like one everywhere. 

However our wives tend to feel a little different than that. And by "a little different" I mean, the complete opposite. If you validate her as a woman outside the bedroom, she will be closer to you inside the bedroom.

Our wives—if you haven't already figured out—are relationship driven. In fact, if you are a Christian, you already believe that woman was designed specifically to be a relational being. This is why fights between friends and lovers cut so much deeper for her than for you. This is why she is much more perceptive in her relationships that you often are.

A woman finds intimacy within the context of her relationships. She feels closer and closer to those she can share her heart's deepest secrets because the anxiety of wondering what they'll do or think of her has faded. There is no fear of her being condemned for feeling the way she feels, and since her feelings have been validated by another, the intimacy between her and that other person grows.

So how is your intimacy level with your wife? Does she truly feel free from anxiety when she makes her heart vulnerable to you? Do you listen to her when she is expressing her thoughts and feelings to you? Do you help her get rid of her anxieties about the way she looks by constantly telling her she's beautiful every time you think it? For a woman, intimacy grows within the emotional context of a relationship. Can she feel completely safe entrusting you with her emotions? If the answer is yes, you understand the powerful bond of intimacy in marriage. You understand the powerful connection that validating her as a woman has to her validating you as a man.

If your answer was no, however, what is it that you need to change? How do you handle your wife's moments of vulnerability? Do you show her that she only gets hurt when she opens up to you? Is she nervous to reveal her soul because she never knows how you will act?

Let's evaluate the levels of intimacy in our marriages. What needs to change? What can we do to ensure our wives feel free from anxiety in the presence of vulnerability?

About That Intimacy Thing — Part I

I heard a definition for intimacy recently that I wanted to share with everyone here.

"Intimacy is the freedom from anxiety

in the presence of vulnerability."

Wow! That is definitely it! And there are huge lessons for us to take here as husbands. Today, I'd like to talk about the sexual aspect of intimacy. Next time we'll talk about a few of the other aspects.

Just think about sexual intimacy for a minute. There is probably no greater act that illustrates this definition more. You are naked, for one. Naked in front of another person, two. Naked touching another person, three. Naked trying to please another person, four. Then you add that vulnerable place your mind goes during the act itself and this definition has really come to life. Does she think I'm ugly? Does she think I'm small? Do I really please her? Does she really love me? What is she thinking right now?

Intimacy is the freedom from anxiety in the presence of vulnerability. Those unsure thoughts we have about ourselves are most definitely the presence of vulnerability. Vulnerability is leaving yourself open for attack of any kind, and sex lays it all out there for the taking — mind, heart, and body.

I suppose this is why my sex life is so much greater now — years into our marriage — than it was when we first got married. My wife and I were both virgins on our wedding night and on a scale of 1-10, the level of anxiety was probably a 27. The experience was amazing and it will always be a beautiful memory, however we only saw the tip of the ice berg of intimacy that night. It took us quite a while to feel completely comfortable with each other, but today I can definitely say that I am free from any sexual anxiety even though the level of vulnerability has remained the same. That's intimacy.

True sexual intimacy can only be reached when both partners are seeking to provide an environment free from anxiety during this vulnerable moment. But how do we get there? This is going to mean different things for different couples. For husbands, we need our wives to validate our manhood. I need to know that you are turned on by me, I need to know that the biological cards I've been dealt are able to satisfy you. I need you to build me up sexually in any way you can come up with — both in and out of the bedroom. When we hear you say the things we want to feel are true about ourselves, anxiety disappears and intimacy is cultivated. We're still just as vulnerable — your words and actions can crush us at any moment — but you choose to love instead. (And, as an aside, please never underestimate the power of you initiating sex has over those anxiety levels. A wife sexually desiring her husband is one of the most powerful ways she can validate his manhood.)

However, husbands, listen to me here: She can't do that well if we are not just as focused on getting rid of her anxieties. And, much to many a husband's dismay, she brings her anxieties to the bedroom. The depth of her sexual intimacy is directly proportionate to the depth of her emotional intimacy with you.

And we'll talk about that next time.

Getting Away With Your Wife – Locally

Well if this site were a marriage, I would be the neglectful workaholic husband for sure. Now that my incredibly crazy travel summer is over, I do aspire to get back into a routine. Here's hoping...

A few years ago my wife and I stayed at a hotel in our own town for our anniversary. Because of a lot going on in our lives at the time, we really couldn't make time to get away and so we booked a room at a hotel just a half-mile down the road. Sounds simple, but it really was amazing.

Just being in a hotel makes you feel like you're traveling. There are swimming pools, hot tubs, and even paying a little more for your room can get you some pretty sweet amenities: in-room jacuzzi tubs, big flat screen TVs, and even fancy beds to name a few.

Planning a night away in a hotel in your own town makes familiar things less familiar. "Dinner, a movie, then back to your hotel room?" Very nice. You will break your routine, and breaking your routine can be sexy.

I would suggest all you husbands to plan a surprise one-night getaway with your wife in your own town. After doing this again recently and sharing a wonderful night together, my wife and I both commented that it felt like we had actually just had an entire vacation.

Here are a few suggestions when planning your one-night getaway:

• Choose one of the newer hotels in your town. Often their cheapest rooms still have some modern amenities: brand new beds, real nice TVs, etc.
• Ask if they have any in-room jacuzzi tubs available.
• Ask about any romantic packages they may offer. Sometimes these include dinner and a movie.
• Always see if they are willing to give a discount. Some hotels give a local's discount. Once while traveling I explained that I didn't have a lot to spend on a room and wondered if I could get some kind of discount, and the lady at the front desk gave me the AAA discount even though I wasn't a member.)
• Don't stay at a motel. Motels aren't generally associate with romance.
• Make the whole night a surprise. Remember, the key to a woman's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time. Surprise her by sending her to get a massage. Pick her up and take her straight to the hotel for the night. Plan some relaxing time, plan some fun time, plan some romantic time. Have rose pedals, have candles, do something that shows you went above and beyond.
• Consider the things that would make her apprehensive. "The kids? At your parents' house." "Clothes? I packed them for you?" Take care of all the things that would distract her from being in the moment with you.
• Just be creative!