What To Do When She's 'Always Right'

Several days ago I posted a comment I received from a reader back in January in response to an article I wrote called Are You Good At Being Wrong? It seems as though there are many husbands struggling out there with always feeling like they are their wives' doormat; that their wives are always right no matter what.

Let me make this clear before I start so as not to offend our lady readers out there: both men and women struggle with admitting when they are wrong. The point of our post today is not to say that men don't deal with this. The point of this post is helping husbands deal with their wives when the wives themselves are in the wrong.

I did have some thoughts when I read through that comment that I want to share. Custom fit these thoughts and suggestions to your own specific situation, because every situation is different.

• Let Her Cool Down Before Expressing Your Feelings — Saying something to your wife like, "Well you're always right and I'm always wrong!" is just gasoline on a flame in the heat of the moment. In all actuality, she's upset about the situation, not at you. Wait until later to let her know to express to her things like, "I felt really hurt by the way you acted earlier." Removing yourselves from the situation will allow you to talk about what you want to talk about.
  
• But If You Do Need To Mention Something...— Recently my wife was very irritated with something that was going on (I think we were traveling) and she kept snapping at me out of frustration. This, in turn, was of course making me get very frustrated, so eventually I just asked, "Babe, are you upset with me?" She immediately said, "No, I'm just overwhelmed with..." I told her that the way she was acting was making me feel like she was angry with me. She apologized and things cooled down after that because she realized what was happening. Sometimes our anger toward other things catches our spouses in the crossfire.
  
• When She's Always Right — Our reader comment was a very specific situation of anger, but many people commented in the post Are You Good At Being Wrong about how their wives never admit that they are wrong, no matter how trivial the issue. If this is something that gets you down, you need to talk about it with her. But again, do it when you are away from the situation to limit her being overly defensive. Tell her, "It makes me feel really incompetent when you won't admit you're wrong over the little things." Or, "I feel beaten when I can't even be right over the little things I know I'm right about.
  
• Check Yourself — It is a lot easier for her to sympathize with your feelings if she knows you are trying in this area too. If you act just as stubborn, then telling her she needs to fix her problems is part of the reason you have problems. Check yourself; how well have you been able to admit your faults?
  
• If She Disregards Your Feelings Completely — If you have lovingly and clearly stated how you feel and things still don't seem to change, it's time to get help. Getting help can be as simple as going to another couple you know that has dealt with the same issue but gained victory over it, or as "extreme" as going to a counselor. This is your life and your marriage. If things aren't the way they should be, do not be okay with that. Little problems become big problems, and little issues become big feelings of resentment if they are not dealt with.
  

These are just a few ideas to help you in this area of how to get along with a wife who acts as though she is always right. I hope some of these have helped, and I would love to hear more suggestions on how to improve this situation in marriage in the comments below.

iAMHUSBAND 24 Hour Challenge

My wife and I are going on a car trip this weekend and this morning I got up early so that I could vacuum and dust the car out so that the trip would be that much nicer to take. When my wife left for work and thanked me for being such a good husband (which definitely made the vacuuming worth it), I got to thinking about another 24 hour husband challenge.

Today's challenge is to do something out of the ordinary for your wife. This can't be a gift like flowers or a card, but it has to be some kind of service that you usually don't do that you know your wife would appreciate. Is it cleaning it out the car? Is it getting to that junk drawer you guys have needed to organize for forever? Is it fixing the hinge on that cupboard? Get creative and then come back and share with all of us what you came up with.

You have twenty-four hours. Ready...go!

Reader Comment: Are You Good At Being Wrong?

Several months ago I got a response to an article I wrote called Are You Good At Being Wrong?. One anonymous reader left the following comment, and I'd like to get everyone's input on it.

I had a terrible row with my wife yesterday. It's a long story and there are two sides. 

In short she got stuck at the airport in bad weather. She called me in a very angry state and asked me to look at other flights on the net. I was in a rush to get to a meeting (in a pub as it happens) so I looked quickly and saw it would cost another €75 to change her flight. She wanted another flight only two hours earlier than the one she was on. At this stage her later flight had not been canceled. I argued that it was an expensive two hours. She swore at me and put the phone down. I sent her a text asking if I should book the flight. She sent another back saying I had to be kidding, so I went out to my meeting.

Half way through the meeting she called to ask me to book the flight. Her flight had now been cancelled. But I was half an hour away from the internet and she had ten minutes before the booking slot ended. She flew off the handle and cursed me in every horrible word she could think of.

It turned out the flight that she missed was the only flight that left until 9pm that night (neither of us were aware of this at that stage). She called me again. I cut my meeting short, went home and booked her on the later flight. But by now the damage was done. In her mind I had gone off down the pub and left her in her hour of need. I was the villain.

Personally, I have apologised but I'm lying. I still think she should accept some of the blame. But in her mind she's the victim. Now she is still punishing me but I feel empty because I will never be heard.

I feel that she is never wrong. In this case I think one could argue that the whole mess is her fault and due as in so many other cases to her anger problems. As usual I am the doormat. I pretend I am wrong and apologise until she 'forgives' me.

I can't go on like this. What should I do?

I'm afraid that this is more common than I might think. Though many of our problems will be taken care of by admitting our own blame, what do we do when our wives refuse to acknowledge that they've made some mistakes as well?

I want to pose this question to all of you. How can we positively encourage our wives to acknowledge their mistakes when it seems like refusing to do so is one of their major character flaws? Remember, we're coming at this from the angle of helping a marriage. Rude or sarcastic comments are not appreciated or welcome here.

I have a few thoughts of my own, but I'll wait a couple days to share those.

New Contest Winner

Unfortunately Nick never got in contact with me, so the prize has just been waiting for someone to be delivered to.

My wife's runner-up pick was Joe's comment (which I've posted below). Joe, if you're out there, you've got a couple books waiting for you. Just e-mail me your address using the "Contact Me" button in the sidebar and I'll get that sent out to you.

For the rest of you, we'll start with some new content tomorrow. Thanks for sticking with me.

Joe's comment about why he loves his wife:

I love my wife because at a time in my life when I had given up on finding that special someone, God delivered me right to her doorstep. Or her to mine, actually. I remember vividly the first time we met -- where it was, how it came to be, what she was wearing, and even how my heart skipped a beat when she walked into the room. Fairy tale sounding stuff, maybe, but that's what made it so special ten short years ago. I love her because she sees through all of my shortcomings and loves me anyway. I love her because together we created a wonderful son and daughter, without whom my life would not be complete. I love her because she is untiring in her drive to raise our children to love the Lord. She home educates our son and will soon do the same for our daughter, and even though she sometimes feels she never gets a moment to herself, she is the very model of what a mother should be. Tomorrow (as I write this) is her 31st birthday, and I love her because every holiday and birthday is still a very special occasion for her, and she makes it fun to plan special surprises for her (even though she is very hard to surprise). I love her because it was really quite difficult to say just why I love her in 250 words or less. 245 will have to do.

Congratulations To Our Contest Winner!

I want to thank everyone for their involvement in our contest over this last week. I also want to thank those who left words of encouragement for this site in general; those words mean a lot to me and make me want to keep this site running.

I had my wife read over all the entries and she decided that the winner was Nick. Nick is not yet yet a husband but is engaged to be married in June. In addition to his kind words about his fiance, it was decided that this would be a great wedding gift to the two of them and a wonderful way for them to start off their marriage. So congratulations, Nick! I'd love to get your review of the books when you both finish reading them. If you can go ahead and send me your mailing information using the "Contact Me" button to the right, I will get that sent off to you right away.

To everyone else, I still strongly recommend to get these books for you and your wife. The two-book set costs less than $15 and it is well worth the money. We will spend money on maintenance for everything else in our life, why not our marriages?

Thanks everyone for your participation!

—A Husband

iAMHUSBAND's Birthday And Book Giveaway

Today this website celebrates its first birthday (you can read the first official post here). It's hard to believe that I've actually made it this far, and it's strange to look back and see how my own life has changed in the last three hundred and sixty-five days.

Early last year I came up with idea for a blog that would accomplish one thing: help men become better husbands. I was tired of seeing miserable marriages and wanted to do more than just complain about it. I did several different searches to see if there were any blogs out there of a similar nature, but didn't find many that were as topic-specific as what I had in mind. After running the idea by my wife and another couple we were close to, I decided to give it a go.

Thankfully this blog has struck a cord with many people. In the year it's been up we've seen over 70,000 unique visitors and currently have around 550 subscribers. The iAMHUSBAND Amazon bookstore (here and in the sidebar to the right) has already generated several orders from people buying books to improve their marriages, and I couldn't be more happy about that. Whenever I've thought about calling it quits, I remember the e-mails I've received from men and women over this last year thanking me for this site. I really want this site to continue its growth, and I have a few ideas I'd like to share with you all soon. But for now, let's celebrate this day right with a marriage book giveaway.

In honor of our one-year mark, we will be giving away the For Couples Only 2-book couples' pack of the books For Men Only and For Women Only from Amazon.com. I have recommended these book several times over this last year and look forward to sending it to our winner.

To enter the contest you must leave a comment below consisting of 250 words or less describing exactly what it is you love about your wife. You must be married and you must be a husband to qualify. At the end of the week, my wife will pick her favorite out of all of them and that husband will win the books. Only comments submitted between now and April 9th will be considered in the contest.

Thanks everyone for this last year together. It's been wonderful!