- Let Her Cool Down Before Expressing Your Feelings — Saying something to your wife like, "Well you're always right and I'm always wrong!" is just gasoline on a flame in the heat of the moment. In all actuality, she's upset about the situation, not at you. Wait until later to let her know to express to her things like, "I felt really hurt by the way you acted earlier." Removing yourselves from the situation will allow you to talk about what you want to talk about.
- But If You Do Need To Mention Something...— Recently my wife was very irritated with something that was going on (I think we were traveling) and she kept snapping at me out of frustration. This, in turn, was of course making me get very frustrated, so eventually I just asked, "Babe, are you upset with me?" She immediately said, "No, I'm just overwhelmed with..." I told her that the way she was acting was making me feel like she was angry with me. She apologized and things cooled down after that because she realized what was happening. Sometimes our anger toward other things catches our spouses in the crossfire.
- When She's Always Right — Our reader comment was a very specific situation of anger, but many people commented in the post Are You Good At Being Wrong about how their wives never admit that they are wrong, no matter how trivial the issue. If this is something that gets you down, you need to talk about it with her. But again, do it when you are away from the situation to limit her being overly defensive. Tell her, "It makes me feel really incompetent when you won't admit you're wrong over the little things." Or, "I feel beaten when I can't even be right over the little things I know I'm right about.
- Check Yourself — It is a lot easier for her to sympathize with your feelings if she knows you are trying in this area too. If you act just as stubborn, then telling her she needs to fix her problems is part of the reason you have problems. Check yourself; how well have you been able to admit your faults?
- If She Disregards Your Feelings Completely — If you have lovingly and clearly stated how you feel and things still don't seem to change, it's time to get help. Getting help can be as simple as going to another couple you know that has dealt with the same issue but gained victory over it, or as "extreme" as going to a counselor. This is your life and your marriage. If things aren't the way they should be, do not be okay with that. Little problems become big problems, and little issues become big feelings of resentment if they are not dealt with.
April 28, 2009
April 23, 2009
April 22, 2009
I had a terrible row with my wife yesterday. It's a long story and there are two sides.
In short she got stuck at the airport in bad weather. She called me in a very angry state and asked me to look at other flights on the net. I was in a rush to get to a meeting (in a pub as it happens) so I looked quickly and saw it would cost another €75 to change her flight. She wanted another flight only two hours earlier than the one she was on. At this stage her later flight had not been canceled. I argued that it was an expensive two hours. She swore at me and put the phone down. I sent her a text asking if I should book the flight. She sent another back saying I had to be kidding, so I went out to my meeting.
Half way through the meeting she called to ask me to book the flight. Her flight had now been cancelled. But I was half an hour away from the internet and she had ten minutes before the booking slot ended. She flew off the handle and cursed me in every horrible word she could think of.
It turned out the flight that she missed was the only flight that left until 9pm that night (neither of us were aware of this at that stage). She called me again. I cut my meeting short, went home and booked her on the later flight. But by now the damage was done. In her mind I had gone off down the pub and left her in her hour of need. I was the villain.
Personally, I have apologised but I'm lying. I still think she should accept some of the blame. But in her mind she's the victim. Now she is still punishing me but I feel empty because I will never be heard.
I feel that she is never wrong. In this case I think one could argue that the whole mess is her fault and due as in so many other cases to her anger problems. As usual I am the doormat. I pretend I am wrong and apologise until she 'forgives' me.
I can't go on like this. What should I do?
April 21, 2009
I love my wife because at a time in my life when I had given up on finding that special someone, God delivered me right to her doorstep. Or her to mine, actually. I remember vividly the first time we met -- where it was, how it came to be, what she was wearing, and even how my heart skipped a beat when she walked into the room. Fairy tale sounding stuff, maybe, but that's what made it so special ten short years ago. I love her because she sees through all of my shortcomings and loves me anyway. I love her because together we created a wonderful son and daughter, without whom my life would not be complete. I love her because she is untiring in her drive to raise our children to love the Lord. She home educates our son and will soon do the same for our daughter, and even though she sometimes feels she never gets a moment to herself, she is the very model of what a mother should be. Tomorrow (as I write this) is her 31st birthday, and I love her because every holiday and birthday is still a very special occasion for her, and she makes it fun to plan special surprises for her (even though she is very hard to surprise). I love her because it was really quite difficult to say just why I love her in 250 words or less. 245 will have to do.
April 10, 2009
I want to thank everyone for their involvement in our contest over this last week. I also want to thank those who left words of encouragement for this site in general; those words mean a lot to me and make me want to keep this site running.
I had my wife read over all the entries and she decided that the winner was Nick. Nick is not yet yet a husband but is engaged to be married in June. In addition to his kind words about his fiance, it was decided that this would be a great wedding gift to the two of them and a wonderful way for them to start off their marriage. So congratulations, Nick! I'd love to get your review of the books when you both finish reading them. If you can go ahead and send me your mailing information using the "Contact Me" button to the right, I will get that sent off to you right away.
To everyone else, I still strongly recommend to get these books for you and your wife. The two-book set costs less than $15 and it is well worth the money. We will spend money on maintenance for everything else in our life, why not our marriages?
Thanks everyone for your participation!
April 2, 2009
Today this website celebrates its first birthday (you can read the first official post here). It's hard to believe that I've actually made it this far, and it's strange to look back and see how my own life has changed in the last three hundred and sixty-five days.