Somebody's Daughter — Fighting Pornography

Pornography ruins marriages.  Husbands have gotten so caught up in the sexual addiction of looking at pornography that they have lost everything that they have held dear to them.

And the internet today hasn't made it any easier.  I've heard it said in the past that a man had to actually go and seek pornography if he wanted it, now pornography seeks him.  Before, a man had to have the guts to go into a convenient store and buy a magazine. Now, a few innocent clicks online and men are bombarded by images that will be stored in their minds for years and years.

In a strange turn of events, the hunter has become the hunted.

One odd characteristic of a pornography addiction is that it somehow allows your mind to turn the image of a woman into an object. Somehow our brains do not connect the fact that the women we are lusting after is actually somebody's little girl.  As fathers, it makes us sick with disgust and anger picturing someone objectifying our little girls.  They are our babies.  We greet their dates at the door with a shotgun because we want them to understand one thing very clearly: You will not degrade my baby girl.

But unfortunately, all too many of us will retreat to the computer and degrade other men's baby girls. Why can't we imagine the heartbreak her father would be feeling knowing his daughter was out there doing that, and that men were looking at her in that way?

I stumbled across a website recently that exists to help men confront their addiction to pornography. It is called Somebody's Daughter, and it is entirely based on this principle.  Though I haven't seen the DVD myself, the preview looks great and it is endorsed by the same man who wrote Sex, Men, and God, a book I strongly recommended in our discussion on masturbation in the marriage relationship.

If pornography is something you struggle with, and are tired of struggling with it alone, I strongly recommend you go and check this site out.  Though it may be very difficult journey, you will never be sorry about the decision to get help.  Learn to starve your eyes only for your wife.

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How To Enjoy A Plate Of Waffles And Spaghetti

This is the final post in a three-part series. Part I is here. Part II is here.

In our first post we talked about how men live their lives in one box at a time, much like the squares of a waffle. Life is compartmentalized. There is a box for TV watching. There is a box for playing with the kids. There is a box for working in the garage. And there is a box for romance and sex. Actually, those are two different boxes. Typically, these issues all stay organized in their boxes and do not fraternize with the issues from the other boxes. A man jumps in one box, deals with the situation, and moves on.

In our second post, however, we discussed how women process life much like a plate of spaghetti. Every thought and feeling and is connected to every other thought and feeling in life. This is why women multi-task better. This is why women can change gears so quickly. A woman can be at work and be thinking of you at the same time. A woman can be getting the kids in the car and finishing up the grocery list at the same time.

If you're married, you are well aware of how these differences can cause friction in your relationship. A husband can get very frustrated with his wife for "jumping boxes" too quickly and leaving him feeling lost. He can also feel tricked into an argument because his wife may have accidentally read too much into a straying comment he made earlier in the day.

Women, on the other hand, can get very upset that their husbands seem so zoned out. It drives them crazy how he can't get his mind off something. How is that he may respond when he's sitting in front of the TV, but his brain's not involved. Why can't he see the little things that need attended to (like a crying child in the middle of his path) just because his mind is on something else.

In short, we as human beings can get very frustrated when someone doesn't see things in the same way we do. And often we assume that a person does understand how we're feeling, but that they just don't care. Ninety-nine percent of the time this is not true.

Instead of staying frustrated with these differences, we really must embrace them. When we seek to understand our spouse's point of view, love will not be hindered by our own interpretation of why he or she is doing the things that they do.

Below are some practical ways we can use this information as tools in our every day lives together. (My wife helped me come up with the list for the wives.)

For The Wives

1.  Ask your husband to help with chores around the house. If he isn't helping, don't assume that he doesn't care. He's just in a different box. Even if it's just TV watching, that's what he's "working on" and he is giving it his all. In nine out of ten situations, he doesn't realize you need help. Understand that he needs you to tell him what you'd like done.

2.  Give him time to change boxes. If you know there are several errands you want to get done while the two of you are out, make sure you've communicated those ahead of time instead of springing them on him last minute. He will have a better idea of the game plan and won't have his boxes crushed when he's wanting to get home in time for kickoff and you have "two more quick stops" in mind. Tell him ahead of time if a plan changes and give him a few minutes to climb into a different box.

3.  Connected to that is just the idea of communicating what box you'd be in if you were in a box. For example, "Let's go to the mall" means different things to men and women. To a man it means, "Let's go to the mall and get some specific thing." To a woman it may mean that, or it may mean, "Let's just go spend time together at the mall." Let your husband in on the plan, and it will be easier for him to be there with you. Tell him, "I'd like to go look for some new jeans, and I'd like for you to help me pick them out." Done. He can be there for you. If you just want to browse, let him know: "I think I'm just going to look around for a while." Just hearing that your plan is no plan at all helps us feel better. We won't be as quick to get frustrated with you not buying anything because you let us know what you were thinking and we didn't have to guess.

For The Husbands

1.  Chores around the house often go unnoticed. If you didn't know, there are two different thought processes happening when you are driving home with your wife at the end of a long day Christmas shopping. You are thinking how nice it will be to lay down on the couch and veg the rest of the night. You are planning to be in a Nothing Box until bed time. Your wife, on the other hand, is not feeling relaxed yet. She is planning dinner, remembering the wet clothes in the washing machine, and feeling like a bad mother because she's debating on letting the kids go another day without washing their hair. She also remembers that it's your mother's birthday next week and neither of you have signed that card yet. Oh and the bedroom is a mess. Though we do process life in boxes, we must learn to jump boxes quickly, and develop new boxes to help us in our marriage relationship. For example, develop the "What Can I Help With?" box for every time you arrive home. If you get into the habit of being in that box immediately when you get home, then you won't be disappointed if your wife asks you to do something. And, even though you may not see everything that needs to be done the way your wife does, she'll know that you want to. Also, when you are in the habit of jumping into that box as soon as you get home, you will actually learn to see those opportunities you may have otherwise not noticed.

2.  Ask your wife questions so that you can choose which box to be in. One time my wife and I went to the mall and she was just browsing through a bunch of shirts. Instead of looking at my watch and sighing loudly, I simply asked nicely, "What are you looking for?" She told me she was looking for a black sweater and described it a little. Done. I got into the box of hunting for black sweaters and was on the case. Instead of just wondering what your wife is thinking, ask. That will help you and your box-mentality immensely.

3.  If you've ever been in those talks where she gets mad at you for trying to fix all her problems, than this one's for you. In those conversations where you feel lost as to what she wants to hear from you, just kindly ask, "What is it that you need from me right now." If your wife is up to speed on your thought process (have her read these posts), she can let you know. "Oh, I don't know, I'm just venting right now." Or, "I want to know what you think I should do."

4.  Lastly, remember that romance and sex are always connected. If you can work on combining these two waffle squares, your marriage will change indescribably.

I hope you are seeing the power that understanding our differences has in these situations. Sure we could get stuck on how "I shouldn't have to tell him" or complain and say "I just never know what she wants from me," but that gets us nowhere. When we understand these differences, it teaches us to still be in love because we aren't letting ourselves be distracted by the little things.

If you have enjoyed these posts, I strongly recommend you head on over to Amazon.com and order the book Men Are Like Waffles — Women Are Like Spaghetti by Jim and Pam Farrel. I promise that you and and your wife will not be disappointed. It's a fairly quick read, is pretty humorous, and just might change your relationship forever.

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An Easy Way To Make Your Wife Love You More Today

If you want to absolutely brighten your wife's day (and you better want to do that), head on over to klove.com and download this free song. It's called "When I Say I Do" and it's by an artist I've never heard of until now, Matthew West. It's a perfect song for an upcoming wedding, or to remind your wife how much your wedding vows still mean to you. It's a song most definitely worth listening to.

This is one of those "unexpected gifts at an unexpected time" that I talked about in this post here. Go and download this song and think about a unique way to present it to your wife. Maybe burn it on a CD and drop it off at work with a flower. Or, deliver it to her at home when you're on your lunch break. Or, after the kids go to bed tonight (and help with the process), make sure the house is cleaned up and tell her that you want to have a dance with her before you guys head to bed, and play this song. The possibilities are endless, husbands, so don't miss this opportunity. I heard that the song will only be free through the end of the week, so hurry up and download it!

And definitely come back and share with us how you presented this gift to your wife.

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Valentine's Day Challenge

I'm sorry for the delay in getting the final part in my Waffles and Spaghetti series to you. My wife and I had extra time off this week which I was hoping would give me more time to write, but it actually just got filled up with all that stuff we've kept simmering on the back burner. It's been good getting that stuff done, but I've fallen behind on my virtual responsibilities.

We'll get to that final post in the series next time, but I did want to take a few minutes and remind you husbands that Valentine's Day is this Saturday. Please don't wait until Friday night (or Saturday morning!) to go out and grab the first bouquet of flowers that you see. Go buy your gift today.

And on that note, I challenge you to put some thought into your gift. Don't default to what you always do. Buy something she will be surprised by (I mean the good kind of surprise). Is there a store she loves shopping in but knows that you hate? Go there and get a gift. Want to buy her some perfume? Go and spend time trying different fragrances and find one that you like. She'll love the time that you spent finding something for her and not just because you had to because it's Valentine's Day.

Some men love to hate Valentine's Day — a day Hallmark created simply to make more money. As true as that may be, take the opportunity to make it a special day for her. Look at it as a wonderful chance to show her (and her friends, family, and coworkers) how much you love her. It doesn't mean spend a lot of money, it means THINK ABOUT HER.

I'd love to hear any gift ideas that any of you have in the comment sections below. I'd share mine but sometimes my wife reads this site and I can't ruin the surprise!

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My Wife Is A Plate Of Spaghetti

This is the second post in a three-part series. Read the first part here.

Previously we talked about how men are like waffles. Men process life in little boxes, usually only spending time in one box at a time, and enjoy staying in a box until that "issue" is dealt with, whether it be a watching a movie or finishing a project at work.

Women on the other hand, are like spaghetti.

From the book Men Are Like Waffles – Women Are Like Spaghetti by Steve and Pam Farrel:

"If you look at a plate of spaghetti, you notice that there are individual noodles that all touch one another. If you attempted to follow one noodle around the plate, you would intersect a lot of other noodles and you might even switch to another noodle [seemingly] seamlessly. That's how women process life. Every thought and issue is connected to every other thought and issue in some way. Life is much more a process for women than it is for men."

This is why women can multi task effortlessly. This is why women often feel the need to talk things through. And, listen up here, guys: This is why women want to talk to you about their problems but don't necessarily want you to try and fix them! All of life is a process, and we as husbands either help or hinder that process.

"In conversation, a woman can link the logical, emotional, relational, and spiritual aspects of the topic. These links come so naturally that the conversation is effortless for her. If she's able to connect all the issues together, the answer to the question at hand bubbles to the surface and is readily accepted.

"This often creates significant stress when a man and woman talk because while she's making all the connections, he's frantically jumping boxes, trying to keep up with the conversation. The man's eyes are rolling back in his head while the tidal wave of information is swallowing him up. When the woman is finished, she feels better and he's overwhelmed."

Usually after this tidal wave of information the question, "So what do you think?" comes out. Shoot! About what? What do I think about what? About what she was looking for at the mall, or about taking this new job, or about her relationship with her dad when she was little! What?! What?! Or maybe that's just me.

When I was younger I used to have a lot of friends who were girls. One thing they used to all say to me was that they enjoyed talking to me because I was a good listener. I always smiled and said thank you, but inside I was feeling completely lost. I wasn't participating in the conversation because I had no earthly idea what I should say! I didn't know how to keep up in the conversation so I just remained silent.

This is why a wife typically takes things more personally than her husband; a casual comment about tonight's dinner not being your favorite is not just a comment about dinner, it's a comment about her whole life. While you were simply answering her question about how you liked the meal, what she heard was that you don't think she's a good cook. Which implies that you don't think she feeds the family well. Which implies that you don't think she can take care of her kids. And that makes perfect sense because you're always asking to go out to eat on Sunday afternoon which she never liked because her family always ate lunch at home on Sundays and so the only reason why you wouldn't want to do that is because you actually wished you were married to the girlfriend your mom always talks about with such fond memories!

Wait, what? No...Yes?...um...I don't know! You thought you were just in the box of answering the question about dinner. You jumped into the "Question About Dinner" box, fixed the problem, and jumped out. Now on to the "Help With Dishes" box. The only thing is, to her you weren't in a waffle box, you were on a plate of spaghetti, and you just grabbed onto a noodle that was connected to noodles that go years back.

I hope you can all appreciate the humor in this, but I'm sure that most of you will seriously relate to these situations as well. If both sexes will understand these differences, arguments like these will become fewer and fewer.

It is very important that both the men and the women realize that this isn't an excuse, it's simply an explanation. If the husband can come to terms with the fact that this is how his wife was designed, he will keep himself from getting overly upset and resentful for his wife's processed lifestyle. He will spend more time seeking to give her what she does need, instead of shutting off and retreating to an easy box, like zoning out and watching a game. If the wife can understand that this is how her brain works, she can work extra hard to clue her husband in on where her thoughts are going, and be more patient when he gets lost. She can also work extra hard to not take things so personally by understanding that her husband was directly responding to the situation at hand, and didn't mean to associate it with any other event in the relationship.

In the next post we'll talk more about waffles and spaghetti and how a marriage can thrive (not simply survive) through understanding the strange differences between man and woman.

VIEW PART THREE OF THIS SERIES HERE.

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