I Am A Waffle

The other day my wife asked me to sign a couple of Thank You cards we needed to deliver to some friends later in the morning. Kindly, she put them on my dresser so I wouldn't forget. A few minutes later, as requested, I signed the cards and went ahead and closed up the envelopes. Then I left them on the dresser.

Thirty minutes later after we were well on our way to visit our friends, my wife asked, "You brought the cards, right?" Um, no. Why would I have brought them? All you asked me to do was sign them. I quickly apologized, saying, "I'm sorry...you asked me to sign them, so I signed them and left them on the dresser."

What could have easily been an argument along the lines of Why would I need to ask you to bring them when you knew that we were on our way out the door? Why can't you just think about these things? did not turn into that because my wife understands something extremely important about me:

I am a waffle.

Another one of my favorite relationship books that has been a huge help to my wife and me in our marriage is called Men Are Like Waffles – Women Are Like Spaghetti by Steve and Pam Farrel. Over the next couple of posts I'd like to highlight some of the concepts in that book. If what I mention interests you at all, I strongly suggest ordering yourself a copy. It is a light-hearted and humorous read with some very, very true principles that will help you both be "understanding and delighted in your differences."

Men Are Like Waffles
We men process life in boxes, much like the little boxes that make up a waffle. And we can really only effectively spend time in one box at a time. We have a box for work, a box for family, a box for listening, a box for signing thank you cards, etc. Our thinking is divided up into boxes that have room for one issue, and one issue only. It's why we can get so caught up fixing things. It's why we get a little nervous when you ask, "Did you miss me today while you were at work?"

From the book:

"When he's at work he's at work. When he's in the garage tinkering around, he's in the garage tinkering. When he's watching TV, he's simply watching TV. That's why he can look like he's in a trance and ignore everything else going on around him. Social scientists call this 'compartmentalizing'—putting life and responsibilities into different compartments."

This fact of man is exactly why we can answer the question, "What are you thinking about?" with, "Nothing" and mean it. There is a Nothing Box, and we enjoy spending time in it often. Women have a hard time believing this, but it's true.

This is exactly why I forgot the Thank You cards the other morning. She asked me to sign my name, I did, and I felt good that I did what she asked. I jumped in that box, fixed the problem, and moved on. This is extremely frustrating for some women to understand, and it's extremely frustrating for some men who can't quite explain the way they tick in a way that makes sense to their women.

It is very important that both the men and women realize that this isn't an excuse, it's simply an explanation. If the wives can come to terms with the fact that this is how her husband was designed, she will keep herself from getting overly upset about mishaps and will not take these misunderstandings personally. If the husband can understand that this is how his brain works, then he can try extra hard to teach himself how to ask, "Now, is there anything else I could do besides what I was asked to?" after he has dealt with the issue in his current box.

So that's just a little bit about men and waffles. Next time I'll talk about how women are like spaghetti, and then after that we'll talk about how waffles and spaghetti are supposed to get along on the same plate.

VIEW PART 2 OF THIS SERIES HERE.

The Priceless Gift Of Virginity In Marriage

One of the most popular stories on CNN.com this last week was an article called What Is Virginity Worth Today? The article is centered around a 22-year-old girl (I just can't bring myself to type "woman") named Natalie Dylan who is auctioning off her virginity to the highest bidder. The last bid quoted was $3.8 million.

Putting a dollar amount on a sacred piece of marriage just doesn't sit right with me. Not at all.

The world is confused sexually, this much I know for sure. Opponents of the "Save Sex Till Marriage" campaigns say that we shouldn't force dated religious ideals on young people today. They say we should just educate and let them make their own responsible decisions; never mind that we don't dare apply that same logic to children owning handguns or twelve-year-olds getting their driver's licenses. Oh, and we can't forget to mention that at the same time they're telling us not to force religious sexual values on our children, they are telling our children, "Sex is a precious gift and it must be shared between two individuals who truly care about each other." Well where did that "truth" come from? Who says that we have to care about each other? Who says it has to be between two people? There is obviously some moral standard they're trying to convey. Why does it get to be that one?

But I'm distracting myself.

In the article, vice president for the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the U.S., Martha Kempner, said that telling a young woman to stay pure misses the point. "By putting the emphasis there, [on virginity], we're actually devaluing the rest of women, the rest of her, and the rest of her sexuality for the rest of her life," she said.

Devaluing the rest of women? Don't think so. Devaluing the rest of her sexuality for the rest of her life? Most definitely.

I am not shy in admitting that my wife and I were both virgins when we married. By "not shy" I mean to say that I'm proud of it, that I love it, and that I love her more for it. The thought often crosses my mind when we're making love that she saved this experience for me. I never have to wonder how I compare to old lovers, and I never have to picture another man being intimate with her. I am my lover's and my lover is mine.

And the world today can't say that this isn't important, otherwise people wouldn't be shelling out $3.8 million for an untouched woman. Or, for a down to earth example, dirty-mouthed locker room boys wouldn't take pride in "popping cherries" and would quit labeling those girls who don't cherish their sexuality as sluts. If you think you don't care about a woman's sexual past but have ever wondered how you stack up to previous partners, you do care. If people actually didn't care about the beauty of virginity, then this article on CNN wouldn't have been among the top ten stories this last week. The truth is, whether we want to or not, we all value virginity. (Or consider this tell tale test: Imagine the woman you're going to marry and spend the rest of your life with. If you had a choice, would you choose for her to have slept with other guys, or to have you as her one and only lover?)

And what's worse is that those who do value their virginity are feeling more and more alone in the world. Many seem to give up their gift simply because they feel that everyone else has already done so. I've seen conversations in forums online and heard comments from people in real life that if you're looking for someone who's saving themselves, prepare to live a celebate life. The ridiculousness of this advice is that it is only given by those who couldn't wait themselves. Of course they'd say that — these guys found girls who believed the same thing (or convinced them to believe it) and so they gave it up together. If you want to believe in the value of virginity, don't ask those who don't value it what they think.

I actually know a young couple in their early twenties who are getting married in a few months. Both are virgins and, no, both were not raised in a church. She was, he wasn't, but they both decided to wait. And right now, they are both celebrating that they did.  Being married as and to a virgin is still very possible in today's world. The problem is that our loudest messages on the subject come from Hollywood and people like Martha Kempner.  And, sadly, because of these messages, more and more people are giving up on waiting.

This post isn't so much for married men, by the way. As a married a man, whether you were a virgin or not, you are to be crazy in love and faithful to the woman you chose. This post was not written to make you feel guilty over the choices you made before marriage — feeling guilty about this doesn't help your marriage at all. This post was written for those unmarried men and women who may stumble onto this site, questioning whether or not it is worth waiting to have sex. It is, guys. It is.

A couple's love flourishes amidst the the things that make them uniquely them. Along with having a favorite song and plenty of inside jokes, having shared my sexuality with only my wife makes me that much more crazy in love with her.

And that kind of sexuality is priceless.

I Am Husband...And I Am President?

My wife and I just finished watching the inauguration together. Whether you were for or against him, it's hard not to feel moved by the historic nature of this election. Though the fires of racism have not been completely extinguished in our land, it is encouraging to see how far our nation has come in just sixty yeras or so. Many have touted this day as a victory for blacks. In a different sense, I feel confident in saying that this election may also be called a victory for whites.

But this blog is not about politics, and I have no desire for it to become one. What inspired this post today was watching Barack Obama sitting with his wife and daughters and wondering how hard it must be to be president and husband; to be president and father.

I really don't suppose it's any harder to be a president and a family man than it is for those husbands who work twelve to fourteen (or more) hour days, seven days a week. In fact, in some ways I think it might be much easier. Regardless of which job you hold, marriages are often threatened by the work place, and that's what I wanted to talk about today.

So I thought I'd just pose some questions and see if we can get some discussion going. In what ways do you think jobs can threaten marriages? How do you fight the battle of being a good employee and a good husband? Has your marriage ever struggled because of your career? What advice would you give to others about protecting their marriages while climbing up the corporate ladder?

A Couple's Spin On Resolutions

Well I am back and ready to start a new year of blogging here at iamhusband.com. I am sorry for my absence over the last several weeks, but it was a break both my wife and I needed to take. I have high hopes for this site over this next year (like breaking the 1,000 mark for our number of subscribers!) and look forward to being much more intentional and regular about my posting here.

Though I missed the Blogosphere's call for New Year's resolutions this year, I did want to share something I heard last week that I thought was a really, really great idea. We're talking New Year's resolutions with a couple's spin. This year, sit down with your wife and make one New Year's resolution for her, and then let her make one resolution for you.

Sobering? Scary? You bet, and that's why it's so great.

I actually hesitated bringing this up to my wife. Sure I had things to suggest for her, but I was afraid of what her resolution for me would be. But what better way to start improving your marriage this year?! Doing this with your wife shows her that though you might not care about the same things that she does, you do want to. It shows her that you want to be a better husband, and wives love to know that.

My one word of advice is to be very sensitive in what you suggest. If your wife struggles with something sensitive like her weight, telling her, "This year I would like for you to start going to the gym" is probably not the best way to talk about it. (Suggesting that "we" start working out more is a much better conversation to have at a separate time. Maybe make this your one resolution as a couple.)

At the same time, however, be thick-skinned as she makes her resolution for you. Don't get defensive, and don't whine (this was your idea, remember). Don't make her regret bringing it up. Take it like a man, then do your hardest (maybe put together a schedule) to really bring this resolution to fruition.

For those of you who decide to do this, I would love for you share what you discussed if it's not too private. My resolution for my wife was that she would learn more about a certain hobby that I have, and hers for me had to do with improving our spiritual lives as a couple.

Isn't this idea great? I just love it.

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