December 8, 2009

Are You Having An Emotional Affair?

My heart breaks with all the news on Tiger Woods right now. This kind of news is never pretty in life, but few of us will ever know what it feels like to suffer this kind of embarrassment in front of the world. Though I do believe he should have been found out and in the long run it will be good for him, I don't think he deserves our hate and scorn. Just our prayers would do fine. I follow a photography blog by Scott Kelby and he had an excellent little post about our reaction to this whole fiasco. He described exactly what I was feeling and I strongly recommend that you go take a look at it here

But all of this news has made me think of something I heard when listening to a marriage seminar recently. The speaker said that an emotional affair always comes before a physical affair. You might want to read that again.

An emotional affair always comes before a physical affair.

I think most of us would swear up and down that we'd never go out and have a physical affair with anyone, but the fact is you may be in the midst of an emotional affair right now. An emotional affair happens whenever you give your mind and heart over to focusing on and thinking about other women. This could be that new coworker who has been so complimenting of your work. This could be a new connection with an old high school friend on Facebook. Most of the time they start out innocently, but over time your heart begins to get attached. This is why porn can be so dangerous in a marriage relationship.

Here are a few indicators that you might be cheating on your wife emotionally:

  • You don't talk of other female relationships with your wife. (All of a sudden that "new girl at work" isn't being mentioned at all. Why not?)
  • You begin to daydream about the next time you'll get to be around this other woman. (Or can't wait to get online again to see if she responded on Facebook.)
  • You begin to get defensive and/or deceitful when your wife casually asks you about that certain someone.
  • You don't allow (or don't invite) your wife to know your passwords for your different social accounts online.
  • You begin creating events that will allow you more time to spend with this other woman.

These are just a few, but they are biggies. Emotional affairs always come before a physical one. It's why men shamefully rest their head in their hands and ask, "How did I get here?!" If you are noticing that you are drifting away from your wife emotionally, get help now. It won't get better on its own, and it gets messier and messier the longer you wait.


  1. glad to see you're back - i agree with peter, great post

  2. It's not just the men! After an argument with my wife, she went and looked up an ex on Facebook and they started messaging. That led to secret phone calls and sexually charged conversations and chats. The first thing my wife did was blame me and try to justify this friendship. She promised she'd stop. Guess what? 4 months later I caught her calling him again. Of course, it is all my fault. I guess the judge will decide because I filed for divorce.

  3. i am suffering from same and now have a feeling of everything is destroyed.

  4. HUM this all sounds so familiar as I myself let my "friendship" go just too far. My husband tho NOT HIS FAULT at all was devistated and almost ended our marrage. Thank God he didnt and we worked through it but it wasnt easy. The "friendship" had become and addiction and i began to seek new ones although i did not hide it very well :-/
    i was caught and this time i knew it was the end but again i thank god that he touched b
    my husbands heart and helped him to understand i needed more help than i could provide myself and worked with me to get me better

  5. Since I have SO much trouble maintaining friendships, it seems on the surface that I'm not in much danger of this...but looking deeper, I tend to get intense one-sided "crushes" on literally anything (man/woman/fictional robot/molecule/exotic species of spider/piece of machinery/type of sock) that strikes my fancy. If I'm an Aspie as several people suspect, those are "perseverations" that use exactly the same brain chemicals as pair bonding. I hope hope hope that the same tendency that allows me to develop elaborate sci-fi worlds in the middle of my daily routines doesn't make me a serial emotional-adulteress! That...would be bad. :(

    ~Violet Black