January 24, 2009

The Priceless Gift Of Virginity In Marriage

One of the most popular stories on CNN.com this last week was an article called What Is Virginity Worth Today? The article is centered around a 22-year-old girl (I just can't bring myself to type "woman") named Natalie Dylan who is auctioning off her virginity to the highest bidder. The last bid quoted was $3.8 million.

Putting a dollar amount on a sacred piece of marriage just doesn't sit right with me. Not at all.

The world is confused sexually, this much I know for sure. Opponents of the "Save Sex Till Marriage" campaigns say that we shouldn't force dated religious ideals on young people today. They say we should just educate and let them make their own responsible decisions; never mind that we don't dare apply that same logic to children owning handguns or twelve-year-olds getting their driver's licenses. Oh, and we can't forget to mention that at the same time they're telling us not to force religious sexual values on our children, they are telling our children, "Sex is a precious gift and it must be shared between two individuals who truly care about each other." Well where did that "truth" come from? Who says that we have to care about each other? Who says it has to be between two people? There is obviously some moral standard they're trying to convey. Why does it get to be that one?

But I'm distracting myself.

In the article, vice president for the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the U.S., Martha Kempner, said that telling a young woman to stay pure misses the point. "By putting the emphasis there, [on virginity], we're actually devaluing the rest of women, the rest of her, and the rest of her sexuality for the rest of her life," she said.

Devaluing the rest of women? Don't think so. Devaluing the rest of her sexuality for the rest of her life? Most definitely.

I am not shy in admitting that my wife and I were both virgins when we married. By "not shy" I mean to say that I'm proud of it, that I love it, and that I love her more for it. The thought often crosses my mind when we're making love that she saved this experience for me. I never have to wonder how I compare to old lovers, and I never have to picture another man being intimate with her. I am my lover's and my lover is mine.

And the world today can't say that this isn't important, otherwise people wouldn't be shelling out $3.8 million for an untouched woman. Or, for a down to earth example, dirty-mouthed locker room boys wouldn't take pride in "popping cherries" and would quit labeling those girls who don't cherish their sexuality as sluts. If you think you don't care about a woman's sexual past but have ever wondered how you stack up to previous partners, you do care. If people actually didn't care about the beauty of virginity, then this article on CNN wouldn't have been among the top ten stories this last week. The truth is, whether we want to or not, we all value virginity. (Or consider this tell tale test: Imagine the woman you're going to marry and spend the rest of your life with. If you had a choice, would you choose for her to have slept with other guys, or to have you as her one and only lover?)

And what's worse is that those who do value their virginity are feeling more and more alone in the world. Many seem to give up their gift simply because they feel that everyone else has already done so. I've seen conversations in forums online and heard comments from people in real life that if you're looking for someone who's saving themselves, prepare to live a celebate life. The ridiculousness of this advice is that it is only given by those who couldn't wait themselves. Of course they'd say that — these guys found girls who believed the same thing (or convinced them to believe it) and so they gave it up together. If you want to believe in the value of virginity, don't ask those who don't value it what they think.

I actually know a young couple in their early twenties who are getting married in a few months. Both are virgins and, no, both were not raised in a church. She was, he wasn't, but they both decided to wait. And right now, they are both celebrating that they did.  Being married as and to a virgin is still very possible in today's world. The problem is that our loudest messages on the subject come from Hollywood and people like Martha Kempner.  And, sadly, because of these messages, more and more people are giving up on waiting.

This post isn't so much for married men, by the way. As a married a man, whether you were a virgin or not, you are to be crazy in love and faithful to the woman you chose. This post was not written to make you feel guilty over the choices you made before marriage — feeling guilty about this doesn't help your marriage at all. This post was written for those unmarried men and women who may stumble onto this site, questioning whether or not it is worth waiting to have sex. It is, guys. It is.

A couple's love flourishes amidst the the things that make them uniquely them. Along with having a favorite song and plenty of inside jokes, having shared my sexuality with only my wife makes me that much more crazy in love with her.

And that kind of sexuality is priceless.

37 comments:

  1. My boyfriend didn't wait, and I am waiiting. Let me make it clear that I'm not questioning my decision...I don't like his. I REALLY don't like his. I cant get it out of my head that he's done this before, he's been in love. . .and he's even told me who he had his best sex with. I mean, c'mon. I don't need to worry about what visions go through his mind about me. I dunno I wish he would have waited. My question is...if he and I get married: how big a deal is this gonna be?

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    1. huge. 19 years into a relationship and it is still a hurtful problem that runs through my mind every day.

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  2. I'm a virgin and proud of it. 22 year old guy. There are numerous reasons, but one had def have to do with my traditional Indian upbringing.

    My parents never made me feel I had to live like an "Indian" despite being born and raised in America. It was just how I felt. I'm more "Indian" than most of my friends in that I value tradition and culture. But other aspect is definetely the way I view women. I really haven't been in a "relationship" before. Although what most people call dating I call "getting to know."

    If I like a girl, I try to be her friend fiRST. If I can connect with her as a friend, then I can perhaps take it to the next level. Over the years I've become in tune with the type of girl I wish to marry, and being celibate is definetly one of those requirements. But overall, if a girl is decent, maybe has had two or three lovers in the past, but not like 10 or 20, or started dating when she was 13 or younger, then she's a good girl and someone I can trust.

    Just my thoughts.

    Anonymous - I can see why that can bother you, it would bother me as well. But I guess if you trully love someone you need to look past the past and look towards the future.

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  3. My husband and I lost our virginity to each other. We weren't married when we did, but we have each only been with the other. I was even his first kiss, but he wasn't mine which I regret.

    I find that I agree more and more with the more conservative views on sex, even though I didn't when I was younger. Before I was married and able to say that my husband is the only man I've ever been with, I didn't place much value on it. Only after has it become something I am so proud of. and I really wish that he had been my first kiss as well so we could share that special bond. Before I was with him I didn't think I had a problem with guys looking at porn, but after I realized he did it and it was a bit of a problem for him, it really bothered me, still does. i feel like it takes away from the intimacy we share now, that he has "dirtied" i guess, that part of our relationship.

    I hope that we are able to raise our daughter in a way that she respects her body and chooses to save herself for marriage.

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  4. Anonymous above, I find it quite unsettling that your boyfriend told you who his "best sex" was with, though he knows your stance on purity. I would certainly question his motivation in telling you this, because it sounds to me like it's the precursor to convincing you into competing with Miss X.

    I don't know how old you are, but to be having conversations at this level, I would assume that you are marriage-minded. Please prayerfully consider that a person like this would not make the best mate, especially for someone who values virginity.

    I cannot state this strongly enough. I am not trying to judge him, necessarily, because I know that men are hard-wired quite differently, but it is, as I said, very unsettling that he would talk to you this way. With my knowledge of men and their (sometimes not-so-pure) motivations, it truly sounds like he's about to talk you into "being even better." Don't succumb.

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  5. I am a 32 year old christain man. I am a single man, and YES I am a virgin. I have been told it's worth waiting for, and I believe that is true. I will wait for that special someone. I Will wait for marriage. Even If I end up being the 40 year old virgin. I believe Sex is a wonderful thing (given By God) that should only be done in the confines of marriage. From a practical point of view, one of the plus's for waiting is that you don't have to worry about any STDS.That alone is worth it.

    TO any of the young Christain Guys out their that might read this and are struggling with this, I DO UNDERSTAND. BE Strong and Don't give in, GOD has someone for YOU, And when YOU find that person, You will know it WAS WORTH THE WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    1. Thankyou, I am 32 year old female in the same boat. Sometimes it is so, so, hard but I know its worth waiting. I hope things worked out for you.

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  6. >> Anonymous. Condoms would protect you against STDs just fine.
    I think that total lack of experience with a woman at age of 32 would make someone socially and sexually inadequate. Great sex with your wife is something that has to be achieved and its possible that unrealistic expectations coupled with sexual frustration will make your first sexual experience less then satisfying for your bride. What was the age of marriage in Bible times? 12 - 14 after their Bar/Bat Mitzwah ceremony. Aren't all things given by God? Including war, genocyde : "When the Lord your God brings you into the land you are entering to possess and drives out before you may nations...then you must destroy them totally. Make no treaty with them and show them no mercy." Deuteronomy 7:1-2, NIV. All according to God's grand plan.

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    1. Why do you say that being a virgin at 32 makes you sexually inadequate? If 12 year old boys can be adequate, that's not something that goes away as you get older.

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  7. My only qualm with the general outlook on waiting for marriage is that the emphasis seems to be placed on girls. I commend the men here who are proud to claim their virginity. And I believe those men should advocate louder to boys and young adults. It seems boys are told to respect a girl's decision to wait. To me, that implicitly states that his virginity is not the main value. His only responsibility is to say "no" in order to preserve the girl's purity, not his own.

    Celebration of virginity is a two-way street. We rarely hear girls being told, "remember to respect your boyfriend's body." Instead it is more common to hear, "remember to cherish your body." Therefore, once again I applaud men who are proud of their decision to wait. And I hope that emphasis of respecting yourself for your future partner is passed on to their future sons.

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  8. I personally think that sex is a personal choice. Now I'm not saying to go out and do it with whomever you please, but it's a choice you can make. Being a virgin until marriage was a concept originally used to raise the price of a dowry, the price that a man paid his bride's father. If the girl had sex before then, she was thought to be less of a person, which i find sickening. Now I applaud you if you feel that your virginity is something that you cherish and are proud to have, but it makes me sad when people describe sex without marriage as "sinful and dirty" but sex within marriage as "holy and right". Sex is sex, and whether you have a piece of paper saying you are married or not, it is the same thing.

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  9. I waited. My wife is the only person I've ever had sex with, and I got married at age 27.

    My wife has accused me of cheating multiple times. I tell her, "I've been faithful to you for 30 years." It doesn't matter.

    Maybe if I had married someone different, my virginity would have had value. As it is, the only thing I feel about it is regret. There were some girls I could have had a really good time with, and maybe if I had done that, I wouldn't have made such a bad decision on choosing my wife.

    Now, we're almost definitely getting divorced this year. Our son (hers from a previous marriage) is 14. I started by telling him to wait, but I've changed my mind. First, it's not realistic. He has to want it, and he doesn't. I can't give that desire to him. Second, of all the people I know personally, the only person I know that waited and it worked for is my sister. Everyone else that waited, it's had no value, or that didn't, has been happier for it.

    I'm not saying that if you can wait and find a nice girl who waited and have a good marriage, it's not worth it... but for most people, it's simply not only not realistic, but it's not worth it.

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  10. I'm 24 and I'm a virgin. I also have never had a boyfriend. The closest I ever came to having sex was with a guy that pursused me intently because he knew about me. I trusted him because he was good friends with my brother-n-law. He was the first and really only guy I ever kissed.He tried too hard and too fast to get me into bed so things ended pretty abruptly.

    I have been having a hard time latley about being a virgin. The Majority of my friends since high school have been the opposite of virgins. They enjoy and boast about sex. They act like they can't do without it. I've been feeling lately like life is short so what am I waiting for? There is this whole part to life I'm missing out on. I'm not waiting for religious reasons although I think that's what I thought when I was younger. It's been more about waiting for the right time and a guy I feel comfortable with. Part of why my life has been this way is because I was sexually abused as a child and it made me skiddish about being touched by men. I'm better about it now but I still get soo nervous when I'm with a guy on a date or trying to get to know him. I feel like I get overlooked for my friends that prob put out more of a signal. People say I look like a "good girl". I feel like guys can tell they wouldn't get sex easily from me. Idk...lately I've just felt like so many things should've happened to me by now.

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  11. after much analysis, i definately choose a virgin girl for marriage. 2nd hand car is less value, have history of ownership, accidents,summons, and will give more problems during the journey. if it was stolen car, u need to face even more troubles.better to buy a trustworthy new car an own it and love it until last. Thus we avoid credit crunch, reliability problem and extra burdens. It is more divine friendly, environmental friendly, judicial friendly and offer total love. of course the driver need to learn how to drive, more years more experience and skill for the driver.shh dont tell my girlfriend i was here.

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  12. http://www.tampabay.com/news/perspective/why-i-will-be-a-virgin-until-im-married/1039035

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  13. I waited for different reasons over the years from religion to terror of the consequences to pride. Sometimes on dates with men I was attracted to I would wonder, "what in the world am I waiting for?" I have to say it was usually my pride that stopped me. I liked seeing myself as the girl who didn't put out and I liked how guys wanted me because of that decision. It wasn't until I met my husband that I was so thankful I had waited. I cannot express how special it is to share sex with him and only him. Not to mention the way he loves me and the way he respects my body because I saved it for him.

    As hypocritical as it might sound though I'm also extremely thankful that he slept with other women before me. I know this sounds odd, but I appreciate his knowledge, his experience. Instead of obsessing over if his old flames were better than me, I'm flattered that he chose to sleep with me forever. Maybe what I mean to say is that you should appreciate what your partner does have to offer. The person you marry will have done things in the past you don't like, but those experiences have shaped them into the person you love.

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  14. I'm a 30 year old female virgin. Never even kissed a guy. Guys have been interested in me, I've definitely had opportunities to start relationships but I just haven't. I'm not bad-looking or a weirdo, I have friends and I go out. But since the age of 20, I stopped falling in love and haven't found anyone remotely interesting enough to want to get to know as a love interest. I think the pickings get very slim after 25 if you want a man with an unspoiled mind. Another thing is, since 20, I have become born again, and nobody really measures up to the love I've found in Jesus. If there's anyone else in the same position, do you think it's better to just stay celibate for life under these circumstances? I can't see myself being happy in a twosome after years of settling into my own ways and definitely after 30, a woman's body goes downhill in terms of looks!

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  15. Taylor: Post 1
    Im a teenager who is still a virgin. Most of my friends have given it up by now, but I'm still waiting. I'm a hopeless romantic that thinks that my husband will be a total virgin when we marry...And that we'll only ever experience that special initmacy (that God created explicitly just for spouses) together.

    However, Im sure that he will have made some mistakes and I will too along the path, and we'll cross that bridge when we get there together. We'll make mends and forgive each other.

    However, in marriage just being virgins til the ceremony is over wont cut it though.

    In order for a marriage to reach its full potential, you need God in it, too.

    Why? Because He created it.
    Like how Apple makes iPods, if you didnt have the instruction manual the first time you used it, you wouldve been soo lost and probably not used it correctly, mis-used it and possibly damage it beyond repair and you wouldnt really even know what it could do. So God (Apple) gave us the Bible (instruction manual) so we don't mess up our marriage (and lives and so much more.... [iPods]) before we really knew their full potential.

    Main thought: if you don't have God in your life, marriage (like so many other things) isn't going to be perfectly peachy, nor are they going to reach their full potential. And at that point, virginity will barely factor into the equation. Goodnight :]

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  16. Taylor: Post 2

    Another thing, when it comes to the whole "i do", does it matter if you had hot-steamy in-the-coat-room-sex literally 5min before saying "i do"? Does that 5 minutes really really really matter? Yeah. I believe so. Its not the time, or the piece of paper that has that, or even the rings. Its the fact that the union is blessed by God and the husband and wife are now united by God through the minister and then they can have sex, because they have God's blessing AND they are seen as one in His loving eyes. Just clearing that up. Goodnight :]

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  17. agnostic,
    Not having sex at age 32 makes someone socially inadequate. Get an education and think before you give an opinion you seem extremely dumb!

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    1. Gimme a break. YOU are the one that sounds dumb here. "not having sex at age 32 makes someone socially inadequate". and what is that sweeping generalization based off? evidence to back up that statement? and what exactly is social inadequacy? not able to have a relationship? behaving like a freak?

      cause like it or not, people who are "socially inadequate" come in all shapes sizes and forms - virgins/non virgins etc. staying a virgin is not a cause of social inadequacy. there are tons of virgins out there who have perfectly healthy social and romantic lives. and one thing i've noted about the non-virgin people in my life is that their romantic lives are tumultuous and they can't seem to forget their first sexual partner. most of them have relationship problems. so since they have had sex and are supposedly socially adequate, why aren't they more discerning about the types of people they get into relationships with? i could go on but i will stop here.

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    2. Aparently, it's better being a real freak, filled with piercings all over the body, cover your entire body with tattos than being a virgin. Is that the society we're building, where the vicious can thrieve and the virtuous are "socially inadequate"? Is a nun socially inadequate?

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    3. thank god i can post this as anonymous...
      i had sex a year before my marriage at an age of 29. it was amazing time but i could not marry her..our families didn't agree.
      now i cant confess it to my wife (she was a virgin )
      this is a bad very bad feeling. this secret is so heavy that i sometimes hate myself.
      i have found a new love in her. i need suggestions ...lots of people are/were in same situation

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  18. In today's world, sex is everything to people. I myself have felt the pressures and dealt with feeling embarrassed about being a virgin, without even the beliefs through church to comfort me.But it is true that you will meet someone who is perfect for you and share your values. My boyfriend is a virgin and has waited almost thirty years for me. I know that when we're married it will make our wedding night that much more special; knowing I am his first and he is mine. Things happened too perfectly for me not to belief he is the "one" and God has sent him my way. To those who have trouble dealing with the 'social norm' just remember it will be worth it in the long run. Have faith, if not in God, then in your future husband who is out there somewhere.

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  19. If you dont stand for something, you would fall for anything. its so sad that being a virgin has lost its worth to so many people but on the other hand, there are still so many people that would that appreciate it! Even if the world does not regard your virginity, God applauds you for it! His standards and word concerning fornication has not changed! Marriage is honorable and the bed undifiled. Please dont trade your diginity for a short lived pleasure! If you have engaged in premarital sex, pls seek repentance and make a firm commitment, trusting God to help you through it! Everyone is accountable to God individually, Choose Life.

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  20. i am waiting for the right one......:)

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    Replies
    1. and wait till marriage......

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  21. I am extremely happy I stumbled on this article. I'm 20 yrs old and my boyfriend just broke up with me yesterday cos I won't have premarital sex with him. I was brought up in the church and am a christian. I really love him but when asked 2 choose between my God and my boyfriend, God will always win. So I chose to obey God's word if that means I lose my relationship then it was never God's plan for me in the first place.

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  22. I like the part you said: "this kind of sexuality is priceless". It is, indeed. In the other hand, casual sex just for pleasure is, most often, paid. THIS IS the true messenge Hollywood's giving us: how to turn our wives and daughters into harlots.

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  23. I am a strong believer in waitin till marriage and I am a virgin and can't wait to have this with my husband and only him(: however, I've been told even by my mother that it is wrong and unrealistic to expect God to provide a husband who is saving his virginity for me, too. That is extremely depressing.

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    1. Being a virgin has a lot to do with you as an individual and is not just about you and your future husband as couple. Maintaining a clear conscience, the sense of respect and the feeling of being special can likewise be derived from being a virgin.

      Also, bear in mind if you broke your virginity and came across a respectful man who hasn't, you may certainly feel "unacceptable" to him, even if he's willing to love you as you are. This might cause tension and eventually a break up.

      If you end up marrying one who is not a virgin, bear in mind that he will be the one considering you the champion, not the other way round. You might gain far more respect and love from him than you might even feel you deserve.

      So keep it up!

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    2. I'm saving my virginity for my wife with the Lord's help. We exist and we are very real. Don't give up! NEVER GIVE UP!
      Stay close to the Lord always.

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  24. Am also a strong advocate of waiting til marriage. Its worth it. Doe pressures may come but, dont give in. Sex is a sacred thing. If only people knw d spiritual implications of it. 4 dos dat hav indulged themselves in it be4 marriage, God is always ready to forgiv u. Only if u will turn to him in total repentance.

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  25. Trying being a 31 year old girl...who has waited. Who has waited for me? No one, I bet. It really sucks. REALLY.

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  26. I wish I would have waited. Now I'm divorced and ineligible to re-marry because of my lord's commandment in Mark 10:11-12 and repeated or affirmed by Him in three other places: Twice in Matthew and once in Luke.

    My advice is do this God's way: Come to faith in Jesus, wait and stay married as God intended, marry only another Christian.

    If you have no interest in God fearing righteousness, wait and stay married anyway as God may save you later in life and then you might regret those sins for the rest of your life, alone, or be in adulterey.

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  27. I wish to marry a Virgin, but I am not, I married a women slept with many other men and now we have two kids, but I am not satisfied with her behavior even after the marriage, her eyes are often on other men, she fantasize, talk to other men who are my friends with out my knowledge, should I leave her and find a Virgin? I am 49 yrs and weaker than those days!

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  28. Anonymous June 1st,
    Hosea.
    Be faithful, always. You and your wife are in my prayers.

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