Just Like Old Times

Last night, when my wife and I should have been heading off to bed, we got caught up in talking with each other. We sat down together and talked about many random things, hardly any of them really important. At one point I said, "Man, we really need to go to bed." She responded with, "Yeah, but I like talking with you."

It reminded me of the days before we were married. Late nights of talking, trying as hard as we could to avoid the painful goodbye and drive home. It was nice just to talk.

It seems the longer we're together the less we do the things we love to do. Why is that? Last night was a reminder of how much fun we can have simply by having a conversation.

When was the last time you had quality time like this with your wife?

Talking To Your Wife About Sex

For some reason, talking about sex is a very sensitive subject between couples. You'd think that since we have no problem actually doing it that talking about it just couldn't possibly be a problem, but it is. We tend to keep our distance from quality conversations about sex and just focus on making jokes about it (much like the topic I wrote about here). Just like every other aspect of marriage, however, only open communication can lead to positive change.

Last week I read an article on MarriageActually.com called "Pillow Talk: Sexual Communication In Marriage" (linke here). It was a very helpful article on how to talk to your spouse about your sexual relationship, and it got me thinking about how open my wife and I are in our marriage about the subject of sex.

In the article the author mentions seven questions for each spouse to ask and answer about their sex lives. Questions like, What would show you that I'm interested in your sexual needs? and What do you need me to do more often? are pretty blunt, and definitely not the kind of conversation you can just throw in after the "How was your day at work?" question. In my experience in this area I've learned two things. The first I read somewhere a long time ago, and the second I've observed myself.

First, NEVER talk about the quality of your sex life right after you've made love. Doing this only leads to defensiveness, disappointment, and distance between you and your wife. It is so important to talk about your sex life with each other, but it is so important that you do it far removed from the act of love itself.

Second, no matter how awkward or out-of-place bringing it up may seem, take time to talk about your sex life with your spouse. I've had to do this several times in my marriage, and it has been difficult to take that first breath and let her know that I wanted to talk to her about sex, but it has always been worth it. I tell my wife that I want to continue to learn her better, and so open conversations about sex allow us to make that happen. Maybe actually schedule a "check-up" time would be helpful for you; something like "Can we do a verbal check-up on our sex life every three months?" would be a helpful agreement.

Remember, communication is both information and presentation. If you don't present the information correctly, it will not be communicated correctly. Though this is true in every aspect of communication, it especially is helpful in regard to improving the physical intimacy in marriage.

I would love to hear about how open you and your wife are in the area of sex, and anything you've learned about discussing such an important topic with your spouse.

Okay, So It Wasn't The Best Idea

Alright, so apologize for that last post. I didn't think it all the way through. I'm— I'm sorry. I forgot that every so many seconds someone has their identity stolen. I forgot about that commercial with the big black man sitting on his weight bench singing "Unbreak My Heart" in a woman's voice. Please forgive me.

Right, so a better way to remember important dates and information would be to sign up for BirthdayAlarm.com (link here, I think), which was so wonderfully suggested by Kelly in the comments section. Thanks Kelly!

I hope we don't let this little lapse of better judgment come between us. You mean to much to me for that. I promise...I'll do better.

—A Husband

An Easy Way To Remember Important Dates

I thought I would share a quick tip that has helped me remember important dates and numbers. I think it's something that might work for some of you, being a little way to help you show your wife that you're trying to keep important information in your head.

If you're like me, you have a ton of passwords floating around in your head. We have passwords for e-mail, the ATM, computers, online banking, etc. Because we use these passwords so much we don't even have to try and remember most of them. I say, use this to your advantage. Use your anniversary as a PIN number. Use birthdays for e-mail passwords, something like Mary032875 (Mary's birthday, March 28, 1975).

This little trick first became apparent to me when I was at the doctor's office by myself filling out some paperwork. When I finished the secretary looked things over and asked, "I don't suppose you know your wife's Social Security number, do you?" When I told her that I did she said, "Wow I'm impressed! I don't even know my husband's!" I knew it because I had a bank account for years that I used my own SS# for, and so when we got another account I decided to just go ahead and use hers. And because I did, it was in my head.

Anyway, I thought some of you might enjoy that.

Let Her Help You

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about the importance of frequently asking your wife if she needs any help. Today I want to talk about the importance of asking her to help you, whether you need it or not.

Women are, by nature, helpful. They want to help in whatever situation they're in. That's why when you go over to a friend's house for a dinner party, the wives usually head straight for the kitchen to see if there's "anything I can do to help?" The guys? Usually not so much.

Women are "completers." They generally thrive off of helping finish a project. Women find acceptance and feel loved when they are needed. When they run to the kitchen to help like they do, they're bonding through service. This is an importance concept for husbands to understand because one of the easiest ways to grow intimacy in your marriage is to let her help you.

Most times we men are perfectly able to accomplish what we're trying to do. We don't need her to go the hardware store with us, and we don't really need her to hold the flashlight when we're trying to do something under the hood. Having her help navigate on a trip is often more of point of tension than it is helpful, and having her sit nearby when we've completely butchered putting together the new shelves doesn't feel great, but it's important.

What I'm saying is that your wife wants to be a part of your journey. She loves knowing that you want her nearby. When we deny our wives the opportunity to be a part of our adventures, we're choosing to keep her heart disconnected from ours. Show her that you know she wants to be needed by you. She wants to help because she needs to feel accepted by you.

Your wife needs to be needed. She wants to help. If she's not sure how to help, take a few minutes to show her what to do. Invite her to go wherever you're going. Ask her to come to the garage for a minute to hold the flashlight. Have her proofread something you've written. Ask her to pick out a shirt she'd like to see you wear at your friend's wedding. Say please, and then don't forget to say thank you, but just make sure to let her help you!

My 'Fireproof' Review

Back at the end of August, I told you all about a movie coming out that had to do with marriage and about being a better husband. Well, my wife and I were finally able to go see this movie recently, and so I wanted to let you all know what I thought of it.

All other elements aside, Fireproof's storyline was very powerful and very convicting. A firefighter, who spends his days as a hero to his community and who touts the line, "Never leave your partner behind" comes home every night to a broken marriage. He cares more about saving strangers' lives than he does about his own wife. He is so wrapped up in himself that he has unintentionally left his partner behind. Throughout the entirety of the movie I couldn't help but ask myself, Is that me? Do I do that? Are we like that?

The movie was made on a $500,000 budget, which, in today's numbers, is absolutely nothing. They accomplished this feat in a number of ways, one of which was the casting of volunteers from the church that made the movie. Because of this, the acting was less than good during several moments in the film. The only way to get through that is to remember exactly what this movie is: a small, fairly independent movie and not a multi-million dollar studio film.

On the other hand, though, Kirk Cameron's performance was, I thought, incredible. There was no mistaking the professional on stage during this show. Every time he was on screen I was able to get caught up in the moment, even when he was playing off of other weak performers. The woman who played his wife was also very good during most of the film, and I thought that the two made a very convincing pair.

Make no mistake, though, this is a very Christian film. I would only recommend you go and see it if you are a Bible believer because the Bible and its teachings are brought up throughout the whole movie. And if you are a Bible believer, I absolutely say that you and your wife should go and see it. Let it be a point of discussion for the two of you. Let it affect your marriage.

This movie challenged me. Time takes its toll on a husband and a wife. We forget about who and why we married, and it takes little things like this movie to help remind us how blessed we are to have the wives we do. For all of the movie's film making weakness, its strength lies in its message: Don't leave your marriage behind!

After the movie, I couldn't help but open my wife's door as we were in getting into the car. She's my partner, and I want her to know that.

A Good And Bad Day For This Site

Several months ago I had decided that as soon as my feed subscribers had reached 500 I would start displaying the feed count on this site. For months we have been hovering right under 500, but no matter what happened, it just seemed like 500 was an impossible goal.

Thankfully my last article got picked up on StumbleUpon and this morning I woke up to 502 subscribers. I was so stoked, but just as soon as that celebration began, I encountered another problem: the domain name server went down. The day I'm having unusual amounts of high traffic, my domain name gets screwed up and no one can come and visit. Fabulous.

So, I have no doubt that the subscriber count will be down below 500 tomorrow, but I'm going to go ahead and post the subscriber count. So here's where we stand: I began six months ago on April 1st of this year. Since then we've seen somewhere around 48,000 unique visitors, and we currently sit at 502 subscribers.

That's incredible guys. Thanks.

—A Husband