This is part two in our series on Masturbation in Marriage. View part one here.
Doug Weiss, author of Sex, Men, and God
This is an important principle to understand because the truth is, not all men approach the subject of masturbation from the same perspective. And it is important to be able to know which of the three categories you fall into before we attempt to deal with and understand masturbation in your own life and marriage.
Type A - Those who don’t
Though there are jokes about the other five percent lying about it, this is just not true. Even though this is most definitely the minority in our culture (and getting smaller as sexuality becomes more open in our society), it does exist. These men are sexually normal, they have just never had the desire to satisfy themselves in this way.
Remember, just because this isn’t where you’re coming from does not mean that these type of men don’t exist.
Type B - Those who do, but who stay connected to reality
These are the men who masturbate, but who stay fully connected to real life. Doug Weiss says of the men in this category: “...he stays fully ‘connected’ to himself during the act, i.e. he does not lust or create sexual fantasies with the girls he knows. He would never use pornography during masturbation. For this boy, he’s simply engaging in a bodily function...He does not make up a fantasy world and he doesn’t use masturbation to meet the emotional needs in his life. He just stays connected, releases and moves on...Often when this man gets married, his masturbation behavior disappears or becomes very infrequent.”
Again, it may be hard for those of you who don’t approach masturbation like this to accept that this is a reality for some. You might say, “How in the world could someone masturbate and not have fantasies?!” Impossible as it might seem, these men most certainly do exist. (And it is these men who feel very torn when masturbation is condemned in a religious setting based on the grounds of lust. Because they themselves don’t lust during the act, they feel very confused.)
Type C - Those who do, but who are disconnected from reality
Dr. Doug Weiss says that these type of men “use fantasy, pornography or some form of objectifying women not only to arouse them during masturbation, but also to bring them to a point of ejaculation. When such a [man] enters this other world of fantasy, pornography and objectification, he has to spiritually and emotionally disconnect so he can fully engage in the fantasy state that he is creating.”
The Type A masturbator is dumbfounded by the existence of this group, and the Type B masturbator is confused at why it has to be such a “dirty” thing. Regardless of where you’re coming from, however, this group is a reality and is definitely the largest group of the three.
I think it goes without saying that it is Type C masturbation that can be the most threatening to a healthy marriage. We’ll talk more about why I think that is on Tuesday as we continue to tackle the subject of masturbation in the marriage relationship.
Related Reading: Masturbation In Marriage - Part I
August 31, 2008
Masturbation In Marriage: Part II
August 30, 2008
Masturbation In Marriage: Part I
I not sure why we all thought that the desire to masturbate would stop after we got married.
Before marriage, there was hardly any wait time required; you had the desire, and you fulfilled it. After marriage, however, desire for sexual release often comes hours or days before you and your wife can come together. Before marriage, you could be sitting around the house, start feeling it, and take care of the need right away. After marriage, you know you and your wife just made love the night before and there’s no way she’s going to feel like it tonight when she gets home from a long day of work. This all-too-familiar conflict of interest was a little stressful early on in my marriage, but it was something we were able to work through by both sacrificing something for the other.
Over the next several days, I want to talk about the subject of masturbation, particularly paying attention to how we approach this personal topic in our mutual marriages. Much of the information presented will be coming from an excellent book, Sex, Men, and God
I am very much looking forward to the discussions that will happen in the comments section, but do ask that we keep it respectful and clean (check your vulgarities at the door). I also know there are a lot of women who read this site, and so I ask that they be respectful and helpful in the comments that they make. Thanks so much for everyone’s cooperation. I’m really looking forward to this next week.
It’s time we talked about this. For real.
August 23, 2008
A Fireproof Marriage
Every now and then I head over to Apple.com/trailers to waste some time checking out new movie trailers. Though this often ruins the whole preview experience for me when we go to the theaters, I just can't help myself. Plus, I usually find trailers for films that won't necessarily end up at the local cinema.
I found a movie this morning I am super excited about called Fireproof. It's done by the same guys who produced that Christian family football movie Facing The Giants, which was pretty corny, but had a lot of heart. I mention this new movie because it really seems to go right in line with the whole reason I created this website: to be a better husband.
I have no doubt in my mind that this movie will have its fair share of corn (it seems to be a prerequisite for Christian films), but seeing movies made that have a positive message — in this case that marriage is worth fighting for — is a breath of fresh air in today's entertainment industry. Too much of Everybody Loves Raymond will make anyone think marriage is just one big practical joke whether it's true or not.
This movie probably won't make it to a lot of markets (I'm sure it will spend most of its theatrical life in and around the Bible belt), but you can expect my full review here as soon as I am able to see it.
Make sure to check out the trailer below. All jokes aside, the challenge is loud and clear: Marriage is worth fighting for, so what are you doing to fireproof your marriage?
August 20, 2008
The Husband And The Toilet Seat - Part II
My wife was raised in an all-girl family, not even her dad was in the picture. For her whole growing-up life she only knew the toilet seat down and the bathroom cleanliness of women.
One night my wife and I were guests at a friend's house for a get-together. Early on in the evening I went to use the restroom. As I was standing there going I noticed a bouncy ball on the floor next to the toilet. My first and last thought about the matter was, "There's no way I'm touching that."
A little later in the evening, however, my wife walked out of the bathroom bouncing a little rubber ball. A little worried, I asked her where she got that and she said, "In the bathroom." Disgusted I asked, "Wasn't that laying right next to the toilet." "Yeah." As I relayed my disgust for what she had done she said, "It wasn't in the toilet. Are you saying you guys just pee on the floor?"
It was at this moment I had to explain to my wife The Splash Factor.
She was in shock and didn't want to believe it. She could not comprehend how if you aimed straight into the toilet how there could be such a mess. I explained how it's more of a misting really, caused by the pressure of the stream and the height of the "faucet." Thankfully there was another girl there who grew up with several brothers and she confirmed what I was trying to explain.
All of this is to say, Splash Happens. But what I wanted to say in regard to the husband's relationship with the toilet seat is, when we do make a visible mess, clean it up. When you have those occasional wide misses, or if you notice after a while that there seems to be some yellow build up along the rim, just take some toilet paper, wipe it up and flush it down with the rest. It's an extremely simple way to help out, especially if you're not the one who actually cleans the toilets in your home.
I also really think this is a valuable tool to teach our young boys. It instills a sense of cleaning up after yourself and, if you can get them putting the lid down after they're done, you'll be preparing them to be great roommates with their wives.
Because if you don't want to clean it up, why in the world do you think she would?
Related Reading: The Husband And The Toilet Seat - Part I
August 19, 2008
The Husband And The Toilet Seat - Part I
Leaving the toilet seat up has got to be one of the most joked about qualities of a man when speaking of the things that irritate women most in relationships. It's true, if we had urinals in the home we wouldn't be having this conversation, but we don't, and so we must learn to live fully in the boundaries that confine us.
And the point of what I am saying today has very little to do with which way is the "right" way and which is "wrong." Today is about paying attention to the little things so you can show your wife that you think your relationship with her is a big thing.
I'm not sure when I made the transition myself. It was actually in my youth well before I got married. I always heard my mom get onto my dad for leaving the seat up, especially when we would be visiting a friend's house. I remember hearing all the jokes about leaving the seat up, and I just made up my mind that I wanted to be different; I didn't want my future wife to be able to complain about this issue with her friends. So I made a point to start putting the seat down.
I'm not saying a toilet seat is going to make or break your marriage. I have no hesitation in stating that there are many great husbands who don't put the seat down. But I think it is essential we answer the question, "Why do I continue to do something I know she hates?" She may have gotten used to it over the years, but it doesn't mean that she likes it.
I don't believe it's out of laziness that we don't usually do it, I think it's simply because we haven't made a habit of it. Seriously, if you're leaning over to flush with your left hand, it's absolutely no work at all to use your right hand to knock the lid down. All it takes is a few times forcing yourself yourself to remember for it becomes second nature. (Suggestion: If you have a private bathroom at home that guests don't use, put a post-it note on the tank. Your wife will most definitely appreciate the effort.)
I guess all I'm saying with this (and I feel like I've jumbled my thoughts a bit), is that paying attention to the small things helps your wife know that you care about the things she cares about; that you want your desires to be her desires. And if we can do that with such a simple task, why wouldn't we put the seat down?
Tomorrow we're going to discuss another aspect of the Husband and The Toilet Seat that I rarely hear mentioned, but I think needs to be talked about more — especially in regard to training our sons in, um, bathroom "etiquette."
Related Reading: Stop Doing What You Know She Hates
August 15, 2008
If Nothing Else, Acknowledge The Elephant
Things in my life have been pretty crazy over the last couple of weeks (which does explain the unfortunate silence on this blog). It's been so crazy, in fact, that I've noticed some unusual tension between my wife and me.
My wife and I communicate well — really well, if you ask both of us. But over the last few weeks I've noticed a breakdown in our speech. And I do mean breakdown; the simplest things have not been communicating. When I try to explain basic things (simple "He said, she said" conversations even) she just can't understand. I would make casual side comments throughout the day about certain things and she acted like she couldn't hear me at all, asking "What?" over and over. I would get so frustrated repeating things like, "So I said I would see" and reverted to just saying, "It doesn't matter, forget it."
And then it finally came out. She felt the tension and didn't understand it at all. We sat down and talked about it. She said she couldn't understand why I had been mumbling so much lately (which might explain why she hadn't been understanding me :o). She expressed how much stress she has been feeling in life and admitted that the stress could be part of her listening problems.
So now it's out there. Are things much different? Not really, but it's out there and it feels good. And having it out there makes me feel much more relaxed about it. And having it out there makes me so thankful I have a wife I can openly talk to about these problems, even if there is no immediate solution to be found.
Talking about the elephant in the room might not directly relate to removing that elephant, but it sure makes things a lot less awkward when you admit that it's there.
Comments?
August 4, 2008
Reader Challenge: David
A few days ago I got a comment on the post "Make Out With Your Wife" that I wanted to share with you all:
"What do you do with a wife who doesn't want to be intimate anymore because of how she looks. It's really hard to try to get her into "the mood" and whenever I make a run for it she slams the door in my face. Hopefully I'm not the only one going through this."
You are most definitely not the only husband going through this issue. A wife can be extremely sensitive about her looks, especially after her body's been through a few years and a couple of children. It's like since she doesn't think she's beautiful, there's no way on earth you could think she looks good.
One conversation I have had with my wife a few times is how her occasional bad self-image insults me. I have explained that I think she is beautiful, and that her insisting that she isn't is telling me that I don't know what beautiful looks like. I explain that I understand that she is frustrated that her face is breaking out, or that she's gaining some weight, but that she is still a beautiful woman.
Simply asking the question, "What can I help you do?" can be a lifesaver. Oftentimes this question leads to, "I really want to get back to working out" or "I need to layoff sweets this month." This doesn't give me the go-ahead for being her parole officer, but it does let me in on what she wants to do so I can encourage her in her efforts.
David, I really appreciate you asking this question, and now I want to challenge you to do something for all of us. I challenge you to sit down with your wife and talk to her about this issue. Even if you've done it before, try a different approach and do it again. I want you to express how you're feeling, and to seek to understand why your wife feels the way she does. Then I'd like you to post your experience here on iamhusband.com in one week. Are you up to the challenge? If you have any questions, send me an e-mail using the "Contact Me" button in the right-hand column. I think this will be a great learning experience for us all.
A few conversation suggestions:
-Do not have this talk right after you have been rejected. You will be upset and she will be defensive. Ask her if you two can spend some time alone together at a certain time. Take a walk, or sit down at the kitchen table. Make sure there are no distractions. Turn off your cell phones.
-DO NOT USE the words "always" and "never." Saying "You always" will only put her on the defense.
-DO USE the phrase "I feel..." Using this phrase instead of saying "You make me" allows for her to hear the real issue at hand: your feelings. Say things like, "I feel hurt/confused/angry/frustrated." Or, using my personal example: "I feel like you are telling me that I don't know what beautiful looks like, and that hurts my feelings."
-Seek to understand her. She feels the way she does for a reason -- find out what that reason is. Ask her plainly, "Why do you feel this way about your body image?"
-Reaffirm your love for her. Before, during, and after, reaffirm your love for her. Thank her for listening to you. DO NOT use the phrase, "I can't take it anymore." Say instead, "I will always love you."
Good luck, David.
