Date Idea: The Couple's Massage

I would most definitely recommend a couple’s massage for an out-of-the-ordinary date idea for a husband and wife. My wife and I went for our third or fourth time recently, and we absolutely loved it.

Unfortunately, a lot of guys get a little squeamish when they think about getting a massage, but this is most definitely an idea you must try before you knock it.

First of all, I have heard of men who absolutely didn’t want to get a massage, but after they finally tried it for whatever reason, they loved it. For many men, this is just something a little out of our comfort zones, but if you just try it, you may find you actually love it.

Also, most women enjoy going to get massages and they enjoy spending time with their husbands, and you initiating a date like this would be a nice surprise and show your wife that you’re interested in doing something you know she would love.

Getting a massage is a wonderful stress-reliever, and going for a couple’s massage is a great place to escape to for the two of you; away from work, away from kids, away from busy life.

Some personal advice and information:

Call around for the best deals. There are many massage salon chains around now (especially in bigger cities), and some offer first time deals (such as “Massage Envy” where my wife and I went recently). Some places even offer refreshments and allow you and your wife some extra time to relax after the massage.

Just for a reference point, my wife and I paid around $130 total for a 1 ½ hour session at Massage Envy (and I would definitely pay for that extra half hour). Going to a massage therapy chain will be cheaper than a private place.

Full body massage is the way to go. “Full body” means everything but that. There also isn’t a requirement to take off all your clothes. Every place I’ve gone to sees you to the room, then leaves you alone to “undress to your comfort level.” They also keep your “area” fully covered during the whole session regardless.

Verify that you both will have female massage therapists. Making sure your wife is being massaged by a woman will allow your mind to be more at ease, and making sure that you are being massaged by a woman helps you avoid some very uncomfortable feelings. (I’m speaking from personal experience.)

Relax. The first time my wife and I got a massage I spent the whole time wondering what she was thinking and if she was enjoying it and if she was paranoid about another woman touching me. She wasn’t.

From*Me Tees

I wrote a while back about a great t-shirt to buy to add a little spark to your marriage. It was the "I love my wife." shirt designed by David Nasser, and I still think you should go there right now and buy that shirt. It's a great gift for your wife that you get to wear.

On that note, this morning I stumbled across a new site that is dedicated to selling very similar products. From their site: "From*me Tees is pleased to offer a growing variety of designer t-shirts for husbands and wives that display a positive image of marriage. What you wear can speak volumes!"

I agree, and think you should go check out what they have to offer. Remember, what we're talking about here is you (the husband) buying a shirt that you wear, NOT buying your wife a shirt that says how great you are.

Though I am still a fan of the plain "I love my wife." shirt, variety is still a great idea. Which gets me thinking... Would anybody be interested in an "iamhusband.com" shirt if they ever became available?

"Will You?" vs. "Want To?"

Early on in my marriage, a certain something my wife would do would get to me a little bit. She would say something like, “Before you get on the internet, do you want to fold the laundry for me?” Or she would ask, “Do you want to go to the store with me this afternoon?”

These “want to” questions really irritated me because my honest answer was always “No!” I mean, of course I didn’t want to fold the laundry, I would much rather do something more fun. And I would always answer her the same way: “I don’t want to do that, but I will.” And though that answer might sound honorable, my mood was always affected. I just couldn’t understand why she would ask me to do something in that way.

Around that time I learned a truth that has really affected many different aspects of life: How you ask is just as important as what you ask. I realized that whenever my wife said, “Will you go to store with me?” that I didn’t get irritated with her like I did when she asked if I wanted to. All of a sudden it didn’t feel like a loaded question. The answer was simple: “Of course I will.” When we sat down and talked about this together, things got much better.

Understanding the difference between asking the questions “Will you?” vs. “Want to?” is important for both husband and wife to grasp. When a husband realizes that he could do more for his wife – and do so more willingly – simply by having her rephrase the way she asks, there will be less tension and less letdown. When a wife understands that her husband is always willing to help, even though he might not desire to help, more things get done and there are less hurt feelings.

There’s a difference between desire and will, and tapping into that difference in how we communicate can make both sides feel like they’re accomplishing something.

Sex Begins In The Kitchen

The other day I was talking with a friend about his ridiculous coffee drinking habit. He was going through his daily routine, trying to recount how many cups of coffee he drinks on average. Basically, no human being should consume as much caffeine as he does. He said, "I'm not addicted but I do get headaches when I stop."

The thing is, this friend has a great marriage, and something he mentioned in passing during his coffee story struck me and my wife immediately. I most definitely wanted to share one of his secrets to a better marriage here with all of you.

Every morning he and his wife wake up at 6:00, which is about 45 minutes earlier than either of them need to wake up. They sneak into the kitchen and share some quality time together over coffee before their busy day begins. They make it a point to sit down and focus on each other before the three kids wake up, before it's time to get to work, and before there's a chance for a thousand unexpected things happen. What a great date to help start each day!

The book Sex Begins in the Kitchen by Dr. Kevin Leman is based around this simple concept. The idea is that true intimacy is cultivated outside of the bedroom and not the moment the bedroom lights go off. Intimacy in marriage has the opportunity to grow in a hundred different ways every day, including through a simple cup of coffee at six o'clock in the morning.

Sometimes (all the time?) life gets so crazy that if we don't force ourselves to sit down and enjoy each other's company and conversation, we'll end up only talking about the plans, the deadlines and the stress that goes with both. When that happens, our marriages suffer because intimacy has been placed on the back burner. Does my friend want to get up earlier than he has to every day? Doubt it. But he and his wife do it because they have made their marriage just as important as their other responsibilities in life. Just as important as taking care of the kids, and just as important as going to work. Not every couple needs to wake up at six in the morning to have a great marriage, but every couple needs this kind of time if they want a great marriage.

Taking alone time as a couple is a must. Besides coffee before breakfast, what are some other daily date ideas that can keep the emotional intimacy alive in your marriage?

Make Out With Your Wife

Sex is without a doubt the most fulfilling physical expression of love between a husband and wife. Speaking from a husband's point of view, it is impossible for me to think of anything else that is as pleasurable – mind, body, and soul.

But when was the last time you and your wife made out? Remember when passionate kissing played a very important role in your relationship? What happened to those days?

Very naturally kissing frequently takes a back seat to sex. Too often it becomes an item on the list of things to do to get sex; a box to mark on the Foreplay Checklist. Like I said, this happens naturally, it's supposed to be this way. There are few inhibitions between a husband and wife so there is no questioning how "far" you can go— or should go—so it's normal to just let things go. And there's nothing wrong with that.

But recently my wife and I have experienced the fun of passionate kissing again, and it's been great. It's reminded me of the importance of sexual passion outside of sex itself. This passion lights a flame inside of you and makes the sex that much more exciting, whenever the lovemaking may come.

When was the last time you made out with your wife? I challenge you to give this some quality time in your relationship. This is exciting and can spice things up a bit. Give your wife some passion, and keep her guessing by not going all the way right away. Tell her you just want to spend some time kissing, and then really kiss her.

But if she wants to keep things going, by all means, change the rules.

Understanding Fightin' Styles

Simply settling an argument can often become a source of even more tension in marriage. People are so different that even the way we deal with conflict can be very different, and if there isn't a mutual understanding of this fact in marriage, both sides can get pretty frustrated.

Some people need to settle an argument before they do anything else; they cannot continue normal daily activity until everything has been dealt with. Others, however, really need time to process their thoughts and feelings before they can sit down and talk about what happened. Usually this ends with the one who needs instant closure "bullying" the other into talking, creating more and more tension that wouldn't have been there in the first place, and in the end nothing gets resolved. Is this sounding familiar to anyone?

The key to making it through these roadblocks is — brace yourselves — communication. Talking about what you need during these times is the only way to meet in the middle and deal with the problem at hand.

If you are someone who needs to talk about the problem right away, but you know that your wife needs time to herself to think, scheduling a time to come back and discuss the problem is a big help. By having a scheduled time to come back and talk (an hour, let's say) gives the more reserved spouse time to think, but it comes with a time limit so that the other knows that "soon, we will talk about this."

Not scheduling a time in the near future will only bring grief. If you force your wife to talk when she's not ready, she will get angry and won't be able to express her thoughts because she hasn't had time to figure out what they are yet. At the same time, however, if you need time to think and your wife wants to talk right away, not having a set time to come back together can drive a person crazy; it is an unending sentence of silence that only serves to blow the issue out of proportion through means of imagination.

So the next time a issue like this comes up, express what you need in a loving way. Say something like, "I really need to talk about this soon, so could we sit down and do this in a couple hours?" Or, "I really need a few minutes to think, so can we sit down and talk about this in thirty minutes?"

Communication like this is magic in marriage. Trust me.

The Manival @ iamhusband

Welcome to this week's installment of the Manival. Originally started by The Art Of Manliness, this weekly blog carnival has been a great way to learn about many different websites with a "manly focus" and has been the source of some great information. My two personal picks from this week's submissions:

Trey Morgan presents a short and sweet, in-your-face article called REAL MEN DOTE posted at Trey Morgan.net. And I can't say I really liked this next one, but it was very eye-opening to see where some family men are in their views on pornography. Jeremy presents What Dads Really Think About Porn posted at Discovering Dad. Both sides are presented, and there have been quite a lot of comments left to further the discussion.

Marriage and Family

Derek Semmler presents Talking To Kids About Death posted at The Man Page.Cory Huff presents How My New Social Life Saved My Marriage posted at A Good Husband: Marriage and Relationship Advice. Corey Allan presents 10 Ways To Improve Your Marriage While It's Raining posted at The Simple Marriage Project. Dad of Divas presents Why My House is A Diva-dome posted at Dad of Divas.

Character of a Man

Hayden Tompkins presents Purpose and Passion: Identical Twins? posted at PersistentIllusion. Al at 7P presents Do Nice Guys Finish Last? posted at 7P Productions.

House and Home

Primer Magazine presents The Road to Retirement Should Be Paved Today posted at Primer Magazine. Alessandro presents SteadyState protects your kids and your computer posted at miserere.org. Dustin Boston presents Basic Tool Kits: 11 Essential Tools for the Household Handyman posted at dBlogIt.

Misc. Manliness

Dr. Awesome presents Man Vehicles posted at To Every Man A Manswer. Totally Consumed presents Men, Muscles and Manliness posted at Totally Consumed. babbo presents Evel Knievel and the Hairy Lady posted at Daddy Brain.

Thanks everyone for your entries! And if you'd like to contribute to next week's Manival, use the form here.

Great Stuff Coming

Things have been crazy for me over the last week, so I haven't been able to sit down and write like I want. Don't worry, though, we'll be back to regular posting starting now.

Tomorrow the Manival will be hosted here at iamhusband.com. The Manival is a weekly blog carnival focused on all things men. It's a way for man bloggers to stay connected and to share great articles coming from all over the web. If you are interested in submitting something, use this form and have it in before 9:00 tonight.

I'll leave you all with a great post I found over at TreyMorgan.net about the importance of "doting" on your wife; that is, the importance of showing that you love her in public.  You can read this excellent post here.

Until tomorrow,

A Husband

For Her Peace Of Mind

One of the marriage blogs I enjoy keeping up with is Marriage Actually written by Kerri and her husband, um, Bald Man. A few days ago Kerri wrote a post titled "I Want It To Matter To You That It Matters To Me." One line that stood out to me was, "I find the thing that frustrates me most is not that he doesn’t get why I’m upset, it’s that he’s seemingly not upset that I’m bothered."

I know all husbands can relate to this situation. I am again reminded about how differently men and women think. Men tend to think about one thing at a time, and so if we don't happen to be thinking about what our wives are thinking/worried/upset about, it's very hard for us to show that we care.

This reminds me of when we are getting ready for a trip in our house. I'm someone who can wait on packing and can take an hour to pack for a three-day trip because of all the other more interesting things going on in the rest of the house. My wife, on the other hand, needs to get packing done early. She needs to have time to pack in order to have peace of mind. Did you catch the key word there? Needs. As in, something that must happen for the desired result.

Though I don't like packing early, I can do it and be fine with it. Yes, she could wait and get ready for the trip later, but she will feel on-edge and stressed before, during, and after. Saying something like, "Don't worry about it, it'll get done" is only making things worse. Though we are trying to help her be carefree, she feels we are simply being careless.

To help with these situations — the ones where I'm having a hard time caring about what she's caring about — I have forced myself into the habit of saying, "If you really need me to do this for you, I will." And my wife has learned how to sincerely ask, "I would feel a lot better if we could sit down and do this right now."

If she needs it for her peace of mind, we need to get on it whether we think it's a big deal or not. We might not naturally care about what she is concerned about, but we must choose to. We must learn how to care, not because we necessarily care about the issue, but because we care about her.