Why Doesn't She Want Sex Like I Do?

My wife and I watched a marriage seminar on DVD this last weekend that we both really enjoyed. It's done by a guy named Mark Grungor and is called "Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage." First of all, it was very good and I highly recommend it to any couple interested in improving their relationship.

It gave us a good time to laugh about our differences, learn some things, and then discuss later the things we agreed with and didn't agree with (which is a very important step after these type of things to make sure they apply to your situation). There were many pearls of wisdom throughout the video, but I'd like to share one that really stuck with me.

I have often been amazed at how God designed men to need sex to feel loved, and how women need love to want sex. For years it has seemed like a big cosmic practical joke, something to frustrate both sexes for all of their married lives. Why? has been the question for many men in this area.

Instead of looking at this as an impossible impasse, however, we need to look at it as a circle in which we both help complete. For me to get the sexual intimacy that I desire, I need to be focusing on loving my wife in the way she wants to be loved. And, for my wife to get the love she wants from me, she must understand that she creates that attitude in me by giving me the sexual intimacy I want.

If husband and wife both had the same needs, it would be much harder for those needs to be fulfilled because we would both be wanting the same thing all the time. But since we have "opposite" needs, we can each focus on fulfilling each other instead of ourselves.

Mark Grungor said the reason why men have the sex drive they have is not because we're dirty, perverted, or sex crazy, but it's a simple way to force us remember to love the girl. Our sexual desire should make us ask ourselves, "How have I loved my wife lately?" and "How can I love her right now?"

Of course the problems arise when we turn our sex drive into a reason to be self-fulfilling and not self-giving. So we must ask ourselves: Am I completing this circle or breaking it?

Use Your Manners

We teach children from a very young age to use their manners. Saying "please" and "thank you" becomes a staple of childhood, because learning those things turns us into polite and respectful people — at least that's the idea. For some reason, though, remembering these common courtesies in marriage can become a struggle.

Isn't it interesting that the closer we get to someone the less likely we are to treat them that way? What a funny little quirk about being human. We use our polite words and actions to show respect to complete strangers, but don't do the same for those we say we love the most, leaving them confused, and often hurt.

It's no secret: the more you are around something the easier it is to take it for granted, people included. We can't look at that as an excuse however, we must see it as a challenge.

Do you still say "please" and "thank you" to your wife? Do you apologize when you accidentally bump her or step on her toes? Do you say "Bless you" when she sneezes?*

It is so important to be polite to each other in our marriages because being polite is one of the easiest ways to show someone you respect them. And why in the world would we not want our wives to feel respected?

*Not all people feel the need to be "blessed" when they sneeze. The easiest way to know if your wife is one of those who does is to notice whether or not she blesses the others around her when they sneeze. One of the best ways to know how a person needs to be loved is to recognize how they show their love to others.

Relationship Advice From Garth Brooks

Sometimes I'll be sitting across the room from my wife and I am overcome with emotion. As I admire her beauty and think about all the wonderful years we have spent together, I can't help but ask myself, "What did she choose me? Why did she choose to put up with me and not some other better looking man with less issues and quirks?" During these moments my heart swells, and I am just so thankful for the love of that woman.

In these moments of wonder, do you tell your wife how you're feeling? I know that many men struggle with being able to express their feelings, which is a real shame because our wives really need to hear what's on our hearts. The other day I heard a remake of Garth Brooks' classic If Tomorrow Never Comes and I was reminded of how important it is to tell my wife how I feel about her, even if it's uncomfortable. The song doesn't need any commentary, so I thought I would just post the lyrics and leave it at that.


Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
Shes lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart?

(chorus)

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her?
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That shes my only one?
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes?

Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

(chorus)

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

(And if you're at all interested in hearing the song, but aren't into the twang of Garth, do a search for Ronan Keating. He did a great remake a few years ago.)

Traveling With Your Wife

My wife and I will be traveling later this week, and just thinking about fighting the crowds and the uncomfortable layovers puts me in a bad mood. As fun as the destinations are (or should be), the traveling part sure can take its toll on a man. And things just get worse as the exhaustion sets in and as the body finally reacts to staying up late to pack and getting up early to get the airport.

As the travel day (or days) moves on, I notice that I get more and more irritable, and if I'm not careful I can take that irritability out on the woman I love more than anyone else in the world. I know we can probably all relate to seeing the husband who snaps at his wife in the ticket line, or who's yelling at the whole family as we are all waiting to board. He has let the travel stress get to him, and he has embarrassed himself and hurt his family.

I guess I just want to say that when you are traveling this summer and you really start to feel the stress of canceled flights, lost bags, or even just a sick kid in the car, do your best to keep yourself from saying hurtful things to the one you love. She is your partner and she's feeling the stress too, so remind yourself to keep your tongue under control when you are tempted to say something you shouldn't.

And if (when) you do end up saying something hurtful in a moment of weakness, make sure you apologize and explain that you didn't mean it, that you just feel overwhelmed (or exhausted, or frustrated), and that you didn't want to hurt her.

And to make her feel even better, remind her that you love having her with you when you travel.

Choose Her

A simple fact: Nearly every day your wife does something that you could criticize.

But the important thing to think about when this happens is this: When she does something you consider "wrong" (i.e. making a mistake or choosing something differently than you would), are you choosing your preference or are you choosing her when you respond?

A few examples:

In your marriage she typically makes the bed in the morning, but periodically you notice that she doesn't get it made. In exasperation you say things in passing about how she can't get such a simple task done.

At a restaurant one weekend she gets a little careless and spills her drink all over your $8 burger that just came from the kitchen. It's ruined. You use some choice words about what she just did and stop conversing with her for an hour afterward.

In talking with her mother on the phone, she goes over your allotment of minutes for the month on your phone plan and you have to pay extra. She felt it was worth it, but you get on her case about how irresponsible you think that was.

In each situation like this, what your wife is hearing you say is that there is something else that is more important to you than her. A made bed. A burger. Seven dollars in cell phone charges. You have just made each of these more important than she is, otherwise why would you put her emotions over the fire through your critical reactions? They're clearly very important to you, and she'd better understand and respect that, right? Wrong.

What she'll be feeling (even if she isn't aware of it) is that her feelings and importance to you are on the same level as a bed, a burger, or a bill. If she were more important, why would you be making such a big deal about the other things?

Sure these are trivial things, but what about something really major? What if she loses her wedding ring? After all, that's the ultimate symbol of your marriage, and your marriage is extremely important. And in her carelessness she just lost it. This is obviously a good time to make sure she knows how much she has failed you, right? Wrong. As rich as it is with significance (and as much as it costs), it's still a simple object made of metal and mineral, but your wife is your soul mate. Which is more important—really—and how will your reaction to her mistakes communicate that to her?

It's not always easy, but be patient with your wife. Realize that next time, it will be you forgetting a chore, knocking over a drink, or losing something valuable. Forgive. Overlook. Choose her.

—Another Husband

About Putting Her Laundry Away

The other day I was putting away some folded laundry on the bed that my wife didn't have time to put away. Without thinking, I put my own stuff away and left hers laying where it was. After thinking about what I had done, I realized that I have somehow picked up the lame excuse of "Well I don't know where all her stuff goes."


I stopped, thought a second, and then decided I could at least try and figure out where these few articles of clothing belong. Besides, even if I didn't know were all the stuff goes, I certainly could help out with some of it. (I think part of my hesitation comes from having a mommy. I mean, she could touch my cartoon-print briefs and put them away, but I was never asked or expected to do the same for her. Mom's underwear drawers were off-limits and confusing.)

After checking a few drawers, I realized that, yes, I could put the clothes away in their place with confidence, and that my reasoning of not knowing where things go was just an excuse not to take an extra thirty seconds and give my wife a little help. And so, I have once again seen an area in which I haven't been giving 100%.

This marriage thing takes constant work, but it sure is worth it, isn't it?

Related Posts:

• The 'I Don't Want To' Trap
• Marriage Is not 50/50

Photo by minorthird

Let Traditions Happen

For some reason, I don't really like the word "tradition." I guess it tends to connote something old, outdated, stodgy, or inflexible. We often hear it preceded by the words "stuck in."

But I've learned to get over that when it comes to my marriage. Within the first year of our marriage, my wife and I found ourselves developing our own traditions. One night, a few months into our marriage, my wife asked if I would bring her something to drink as we were getting into bed, referring to it as "a present" I could give her. Somehow that stuck and now she gets her "present" every night (usually water, occasionally tea :-). Another example is when the Olympics are taking place, for at least one night of it we'll drag our mattress into the living room and sleep on the floor with the all-night coverage going on the TV.

If things like this seem trivial and silly to you, just remember that no relationship develops very far without some aspect of uniqueness. For example, you and your best friends probably have at least a modest arsenal of inside jokes that you've developed over time. It's not that you tried to create inside joke material, it's that the opportunity arose as you spent time together and you let it happen. Traditions in marriage work the same way. They give your relationship a unique identity and help you and your wife develop some specific things that define you as a couple — experiences or dynamics that you share only with each other.

So what might it be in your marriage? The possibilities are endless...repeating a certain special date occasionally, doing something unconventional as part of your normal daily routine, having sex every time you stay the night somewhere new, making pancakes every Saturday morning, or whatever. What traditions have you and your wife created together?

The 'I Don't Want To' Trap

You can never be happily married to another until you get a divorce from yourself. Successful marriage demands a certain death to self. –Jerry McCant

One trap I seem to fall into a lot in my marriage is the "But I don't want to" trap. I see things that need to be done and I think, But I don't want to do that, and then expect my wife will take care of it later. And she will take care of it later because of how wonderful she is, but let me make something very clear:

She doesn't want to do it either!

I laughed at myself the first time I made this obvious realization, because what I was essentially saying was absolutely ridiculous: "My wife and I have different likes and dislikes: I like watching T.V. and playing video games and she likes cleaning the house and taking care of the kids when they're screaming, so it works out nicely." Right.

It's not that I think any of us actually think this in words, but it is what we imply with our actions. We imply that she should be aware of our likes and dislikes and take appropriate action. But what about her likes and dislikes? Do you honestly think she enjoys doing all the things you don't, or do you just think that you should be the only one who gets what you want? I love the quote up there from Mr. McCant: "...Successful marriage demands a certain death to self." And, I will add, that is a death we must choose to die every single day if we want lasting success.

Last night when I was telling my wife about my idea for this post, the first thing she said was, "Yeah, like folding the laundry!" Well there's my lesson. What's yours?

Photo by mrtambourine

(It's been a while since we've gotten some good StumbleUpon traffic. If you think this one's worthy, give it a good Stumble using the 'Share This' link below.)

iAMHUSBAND Pieces Of Flair

I have been very excited to see how fast this site has grown since its debut on April 1st of this year, and I appreciate how all of you have helped spread the word about iAMHUSBAND.COM. We have seen nearly 18,000 unique visitors over the last two months, with daily visits averaging between 600-1000 people. I think this is fantastic and I just want to say thank you to everyone for helping make this site what it is becoming.

I decided to try a new word-of-mouth advertising approach using the widget below. If any of you have a little extra space on your blog and would like a little bit of flare to fill the void, just click the "Get Widget" tab (and if you have a WidgetBox account, you can even adjust the size by clicking the pencil icon). If not, hold tight and we'll be back to our regular scheduled posting soon.

Thanks again to everyone, and I look forward to seeing what the future holds for this little website that could.

The iAMHUSBAND 24 Hour Challenge

You have twenty-four hours to complete the following assignment. Ready, go.

THE TASK:

You have twenty-four hours to surprise your wife with something nice. The only catch is that it can't be that thing you usually surprise her with; this has to be something different. Do something, buy something, make something, or say something. Get creative, think big, think small — just think. And then come back here and share with us what did.

Are you up for the challenge?

(Oh, and the twenty-four hours starts when you read this, regardless of the date. ;o)