A Stay-At-Home Mom's Wish List

A Good Husband has a great guest post from a wife in his series "What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew." Here's a summary of what she said, but definitely go check out the whole article.

So, Dear Husband:

Be observant: Since its not fair to wish for a mind reader, this is the next best thing, right? Just notice stuff. Like the nice dinner I prepared, or the extra effort I made to run that errand for you, or the kids stinky diaper, or the hug I could really use right about now. Then take those keen observations and act on them.

Be appreciative: Thank me. Sincerely. For anything and everything. Like that dinner or the errand. Knowing I'm appreciated will make it easier for me to appreciate you and all your thoughtful diaper changes and hugs.

Be open: Since I'm not requiring you to be a mind reader, please don't expect it from me. I can't guess what you're thinking, so you're just gonna have to tell me. Things always go smoother when we communicate openly. And just think how much better it'd be if I didn't have to coerce you into it.

Be attentive: I spend all day with a toddler who listens only when the topic concerns doggies, milk, or Elmo. So when you're around, I crave your listening ear. And, so long as you don't mention Elmo, I'll gladly give you mine.

These are great reminders. Make sure you don't leave it here. Go out and practice it!

Stop Doing What You Know She Hates

I got into this habit of leaving my pajama pants (I guess they're more like lounge pants) on our bed every morning after I would get dressed for the day. After a while I started to notice that every day they ended up folded and put away in a drawer. I finally realized (because it can take me a while) that my wife preferred my pants in the drawer, and not thrown on the bed. I'm quick, I know.

But then I started thinking: She probably gets irritated with putting these away every day, but she isn't saying anything because she's telling herself that this is just "a little thing." I decided that whether or not she was actually bothered, I knew I would be if the situation was reversed, and so I decided to start folding them and putting them away myself.

She's never said anything about it, and it might not have even bothered her at all, but little things can turn into big things over time, and I didn't want my wife feeling angry and guilty for feeling angry over a pair of my old sweats.

We all have those "little things" we do that we know our wives don't like. So today, ask yourself: What's one thing I do that I know my wife wishes I didn't? Don't do it to get recognition from her; do it because this is just a small way you can help your wife love and appreciate you more.

Some random ideas that came to mind:

• Leaving your laundry out
• Too much time with the computer or video games
• Those awful, predictable jokes you always make in front of guests
• Letting the kids do what she doesn't want them to
• Being too open with your scratching, burping and farting
• Forgetting to hang up your towel

Tell Her...Ahead Of Time

Unmet expectations are the worst.

So I'm sitting at my computer, working hard and minding my own business when it hits me: I'd really like to get intimate tonight. I'm not sure where the thought came from, but the thought is in my mind and isn't going anywhere. For the rest of the day dreams of what will be fill my head and I get more and more excited about enjoying one of God's greatest gifts to marriage.

But my wife is having different thoughts. She's spent the day cleaning house and running errands. She's tired, but needs to call her mom before we go to bed. She's looking forward to crashing, and I'm feeling frustrated. I go to bed depressed; I don't want to tell her, but it's been on my mind all day.

This situation has repeated itself throughout our entire marriage in different ways. And there's no reason it shouldn't; we live two different lives and live a life together. Things are going to get in the way, and I will have to understand that. But I have discovered a wonderful marriage tool that can really help keep our sexual desires on the same schedule.

Now when I get that desire during the day, I simply pick a good moment to go up to her, hug her, and say that I'd really like to make love with her that night. By doing something so simple, she gets the rest of the day to expect what's coming. And when you both know it's coming, you both get to enjoy it.

Because unmet expectations are the worst.

The Gapless Fly

So every Christmas I get new underwear in my stockings. It's one of those strange family traditions brought over from my wife's side of the family (beats the fruit my mom used to throw in there "from Santa"), and as I am a boxers and boxer-briefs kind of man, I enjoy getting to see what fun designs or new styles might show up every Christmas morning.

This last Christmas I opened a three-pack of boxer shorts to discover a new breakthrough in underwear technology - Hanes' Gapless Fly. As soon as I saw it I knew it was genius. I've never been one of those guys who walks around the house in nothing but his boxers, and one of the reasons has been because of the way those babies can just pop open and proudly display what's underneath. I had a simple rule: No button = No struttin'.

I don't know what kind of black magic Hanes employed to manufacture these things, but I think this is a great advancement to the already much-too-complicated process of buying underwear. Will underwear help you have a better marriage or be a better husband? Probably not, but I just thought I'd share the discovery.

But I do like hearing my wife tell me I look cute in a new pair, though.

"Then What Did I Just Say?"

"What's for dinner?" is the only question many husbands ask their wives, and the only one to which they care about the answer. ~Mignon McLaughlin

Husbands forget to ask their wives about what's going on in their lives. We get stuck in the routine of asking the same questions over and over, and often our questions really come across as heartless. For example, saying something like, "How was your day at work?" while we are watching TV or doing nothing on the internet. We fall into the habit of asking these questions because we're supposed to, and not because we really care to hear the answer.

When you hear your wife say, "Oh yeah? Then what did I just say?" that means you have not been listening and that you should turn off the TV, face her, and continue the conversation. The question "Then what did I say?" shouldn't be taken as a test of whether or not our subconcious can regurgitate information we weren't paying attention to, but it should be an indicator that our wives feel like we're not listening to what they want to tell us.

And why in the world would we want to make them feel like that?

Photography courtesy of byNini.

Leave Her With A Kiss

From month to month and year to year, life tends to take its toll on our marriage relationships. Sometimes this happens without us even noticing the change. Think about those times when you and your wife have been together and then you've left for an hour or an afternoon or whatever. You might say goodbye to her from all the way across the house, or if the two of you are having an especially good day (and happen to be in the same room), you might give her a quick hug or a kiss as you walk out the door.

I remember back when my wife and I were dating...and then engaged...and then newlyweds on our honeymoon. During this period of heightened infatuation, I didn't want to leave her without wrapping my arms around her, giving her a good kiss, and saying something meaningful to her.

If your parting moments have lost all semblance of affection, consider this simple tip: Never leave your wife without a kiss. Ever. They don't have to be earth-shattering kisses; a simple peck will do. But it is a simple way to affirm that she is still your lover, even if you happen to be parting ways for the time being.

And by all means, if you have opportunity in an appropriate setting, try to surprise her sometimes with a longer, steamier kiss before you run out the door. You'll leave her impressed and you just might come back home to a happier wife who is more eager to see you.

What are your goodbyes typically like? Am I on to something here?

— Another Husband

"Where Are You Right Now?"

I hate when I am in a restaurant and there happens to be a T.V. on within eyesight. It doesn't matter what is on that stupid thing, it seems like I have to look at it every ten seconds or so whether I want to or not. I know that males are visually driven, so this of course doesn't surprise me (having been a male my whole life and everything), but it does get on my nerves.

I became aware of this habit a few years ago when my wife and I would be at a restaurant and seated where I could see a TV. Without fail, I would glance up and stare at it throughout our entire dinner. I didn't do it because I wanted to, but because it was there. It's like I am incapable of good eye contact and quality conversation with another person when there is a television nearby.

Though my wife never said anything, I decided that for me to be better focused on her, I would need to sit with my back to the distraction. Now, when we are walking to our table, I take a quick look at the surroundings and seat myself on the side where I will be least distracted. This has helped me show her that I want to be with her, and not with a football game between teams I don't even care about, or with a commercial about something I don't even want.

So am I alone in this, or can anyone else relate?

"Fine" Is Not Fine

The following comes from the book For Men Only by Jeff and Shaunti Feldham. This is a great book for men to read about how to understand their women better. It's not too long, gets straight to the point, and I'd definitely recommend getting a copy for yourself.

Erase "fine" from your response options.

Fine is not fine... Fine is what you mumbled to Mom when she asked you how school went.

One wife mentioned that if she asked at the beginning of an evening how she looked, her husband would typically say, "You look fine, sweetheart." But as she put it, "I worked this hard for fine ?"

I think guys say that word because we simply misunderstand the real question. When she asks how she looks, we think she's wondering if she looks presentable. But what she wants to know is if she's still rocking our world--like she did on that first date. So "fine," sort of by definition, tells her, "No, you're not rocking my world."

I think this is a great point, and one we would all do well paying attention to. Next time you're tempted to say "fine," remember: She doesn't want to know if she's going to embarrass you in public or not. She wants to know if you like what you see.

Helpful words:

beautiful, gorgeous, fantastic, great, really nice, yeah I like that a lot, wow (And adding "absolutely" in front of any of those takes it up a notch.)

Compliment to Criticism Ratio

Family man Trey Morgan has just posted some news on his blog that show what an amazing effect compliments can have on a marriage. With only five compliments a day, you can lower your "chance for divorce" from 50% to 7%.

You can read more about the "Compliment to Criticism Ratio" and the challenge he's giving to husbands and wives on his blog here.

(And don't forget to let this be an opportunity to talk with your wife. Tell her what you've read, and what you think about it. Then challenge each other to try it for a month. Don't let the information stop here! )

Remember Your Wedding Day

Call your wife while you are at work today and tell her that you've been thinking about her. Then reminisce a little bit about your wedding day. Tell her how you were feeling, what you felt when you saw her in her wedding dress, or any other good memories that might come to mind.

If you're not a guy who does things like this, it doesn't mean you can't. If you've never done things like this before, it may feel real awkward to start now, but the payoffs are big. (Women are appreciative when they know you'd die for them, but they really like to hear the reasons why from time to time.)

Some helpful phrases:

• "I remember thinking..."
• "I was so..."
• "I couldn't believe..."
• "You looked..."
• "Thank you for..."

You might close by saying that you would marry her all over again, or that you were so in love with her that day, but that you love her even more today. Then let her know you look forward to seeing her again.

Being Naked

I ran across an interesting article at TheMarriageBed.com about the importance of husband and wife enjoying touch and nudity outside of the sexual relationship. The author talks about enjoying each other's skin without it always leading to sex; something women need and the relationship as a whole can benefit from.

Some highlights:

"Sleeping in the nude seems to violate some unwritten rule in America. It may be good for the folks who make pajamas, but why do we "dress" for bed?" Also, "Part of sleeping together is falling asleep together and waking up together. It's not just about being in the same place; bedtime small talk and half asleep hugs can create a deep sense of closeness."

"When's the last time that showering together wasn't foreplay?! Ever shared a long hug in the shower?"

"Lazy naked snuggling is so easy when you sleep together IF you don't go to bed exhausted and IF you wake up more than 30 seconds before you HAVE TO jump out of bed. Just wrap yourselves around each other and enjoy the contact; no movement or talking is required."

"One reason many women avoid this is they fear that it will 'always lead to sex,' while men often avoid it out of fear that "it won't lead to sex. The problem here is..."

I think this article's got a lot of good things to say, and our relationships definitely won't suffer from trying to be more intentional about this. You can check out the full article here. (And don't forget to come back and let me know what you thought.)

Say "I Love You" With Your Pecs

Sure wedding rings are great -- they tell those around you that you're taken and that somebody is waiting for you at home. But wedding bands don't say whether or not you actually like the person who is there waiting for you. I found a shirt that does.

A while back I stumbled upon a t-shirt with one powerful message: "I love my wife." It's a shirt that makes most girls think you're sweet and most guys think you're whipped, but it lets everyone know that you love your wife so much you like to brag about it. And when your wife knows that you like to be in love with her in front of other people -- even at the cost of being made fun of by your man friends -- it makes her feelings for you swell a bit too.

I was pretty self-conscious when I first started wearing it, and those who knew me made plenty of comments. Some guy friends said I was whipped, and both sexes asked if my wife was making me wear the shirt. But it was in those moments that the shirt's message spoke the loudest. I would simply smile and say, "Nope, I found this myself and surprised her with it."

So instead of surprising your wife with flowers this week, head on over to davidnasser.com and order this shirt. It'll make your wife smile, and what husband doesn't love to see that?

Some Fine Print:

Definitely DO NOT order this shirt if your wife has something against brown or has ever mentioned that you do not look good in brown. Also, I have actually run into some pretty defensive husbands who see the shirt and say things like, "Well I love my wife too!" Just make sure to deal with those situations like a gentleman; build them up and say things like, "Well that's good, I'm glad." Do not instigate with things like, "Well obviously not as much as I love mine."

One Question To A Better Marriage

There is one question I try to ask myself every single day that has had an incredible impact in every aspect of my marriage. It's a very simple yet powerful tool that enhances love and intimacy every time it is used. This one question can change your marriage. The question is:

How have I shown my wife that I love her today?

The how forces us to see if we've done something identifiable, the shown makes us ask ourselves if we've done something our wives have actually been able to see, and today gives us a time limit in which to do it. This question helps us remember to remember to love our wives. Asking this question has gotten me off my butt and into the kitchen to wash dishes many times, and her sweet "Thank you" has always made it worth it. I want her to see how much I love her, and that will only happen when I am consciously thinking about how to do it.

Start asking yourself this question today. Print it out and tape it the top of your monitor, set an alarm in your phone, or tattoo it backwards on your forehead. Let this be the start of phone calls and text messages of sweet nothings throughout your day. Let this be an offer to fold the laundry, bathe the kids, or vacuum the living room. And, if all of your creativity fails, simply go to your wife and ask, "How can I show you how much I love you today?"

(And make sure to come back and share your success stories with all of us.)