November 4, 2008

How Often Do Married Men Masturbate?

At the beginning of September I began a series on masturbation in the marriage relationship. At the same time I opened up a poll in the sidebar to hopefully get a feel for what kind of things husbands were actually doing behind closed doors. The results were most definitely very interesting.

In the two months I left the poll open, 736 husbands voted. Out of those 736, 80 said that they never do it at all, 223 said they occasional self-serve, and 433 admitted to masturbating frequently.

I honestly have to tell you that I was surprised that the majority of husbands (who, in all scientific fairness, are the ones who search and participate in this stuff online) were in the "frequent" category. When I began the series, I knew masturbation was common among married men, but I didn't figure that those men would be doing it so much. It would be interesting to find out how often those men are making love with their wives, but unfortunately I didn't set up the poll that way.

What does this all mean? I'm not really sure. I'm definitely of the belief that if married men are masturbating that the should be doing it much more occasionally than they do frequently. (Wow, how's that for a sentence?!) For more on my personal thoughts on the whole thing, you can check out the beginning of the series here.

I'm interested to know what you think about these numbers. Do they surprise you? Do they make you feel angry? relieved? confused? What things come to mind when you realize that out of 736 men, 59% of them are frequently participating in masturbation?


  1. I am surprised you're surprised. We know that most people masturbate. We know that that long term relationships lose their passion and fire. Sounds like a formula for frequent masturbation.

    I am curious about the 80 that do not. Are they simply not interested? Are they refocusing their energy?

  2. Perhaps the 80 are newlyweds! :)

    I'm engaged to wonderful woman, and we're remaining chaste until then. I know we're both eager, but I am fully aware that my desire will be greater than hers. Will she look on it as enjoyable, a duty, a nuisance...? Will it stop altogether within a few years? The cliche is that sex is a source of contention, and that women tend to win. How sad that couples have to pit their wants and needs against each other at the expense of the spouse.

  3. I'm curious as to what you and other readers think about masturbation as a good thing in a marriage. Since I want sex much more than my wife, instead of bugging her every time I'm in the mood I can just take care of it myself. I still need her to be satisfied (masturbation just isn't as good) so I'm not cutting her out of the equation. Plus, I'm still more that ready and willing when she is actually in the mood.

  4. I'm one of the 80 who voted never. I'll address the questions the first commenter asked. Disinterested? No. For the seven years I've been married there have been many, MANY times I'd liked to have masturbated were it not for what you mentioned in your second question ... refocusing my energy. Or in some cases, just pure simple self-control and delayed gratification.

    My wife has told me that for me to masturbate makes her feel cheated on. That settled the matter for me. I love my wife; I've vowed to put her interests first. Therefore, I do not masturbate. This does mean that sometimes when my wife is not in the mood or is tired I just choose to wait it out and go to sleep aroused -- in fact, I have done this the last two nights. I refocus, or channel, my arousal and sexual energy into anticipation of and preparation for the next time that my wife and I will be able to make love. And usually, that next time is quite good. This equates to less frequent sexual release, but a better and more fulfilling sexual relationship with my wife (emphasis on WITH). You're welcome to disagree; some of you will. But there is a perspective from one of the 80.

    1. Thank you for your post. I am like your wife and feel hurt and cheated on when my husband masterbates. I wish more men had the respect and devotion to there wives like you do. I've been cheated on and disrespected in the past by an abusive and untrusted husband that eventually ended in divorce. I am now remarried and because of my previous relationship feel very negative towards my present husband masterbating. I love him and am always willing to give him what he needs, therefore when he masterbates when I leave the house it hurts me a lot. It actually makes me sick to my stomach. I told him how I feel and he said he wouldn't continue, but there have been some instances were I confronted him because I had a feeling he had gone back on his word and had masterbated when I wasn't home. He confessed he had and then promised me again that he wouldn't. I am suspicious still sometimes but am trying to trust him.

    2. While I am not saying that masturbation is good or bad. I have to wander about women of today who do not beleive their boyfriends or future husbands don't masturbate. If we agree that for most boys, and some girls going thru puberty do it for pure enjoyment and release. What make you think it should stoop because they get real sex. I hate to hear how something that someone has done for most of their life has now become a negative in a relationship. Does any man say that when my wife masturbates it hurts me. I have not heard that one yet. I think as men we see a difference between love and sex. For women like this one there is not a seperation unless we talk about her fantasies. I am sure all of them invole her husband's face body and nether regions.

  5. We've got a good discussion going here, guys.

    For those of you wondering how it can be never, or how it will be after you're married, I strongly suggest you go and read through the series. All aspects of this are pretty much covered, and I'd love to get your feedback on the different articles there too.

    You can access the beginning of the series here.

  6. I think it might be more of a quantifiable poll if you where to ask how many times one masturbates during the week or month due to the fact that people have different definitions of what frequently and occasionally mean. I have really enjoyed reading your post's and the comment from this series.

  7. I agree with "Big Sexxxy". I think I do it maybe once or twice a year, which doesn't really qualify as either "never" or "occasionally" to me. I didn't vote for that reason.

  8. As a wife of seven years, to a husband who would vote 'never' I am very sad. I think it boils down to the understanding of sex being something uncontrollable, something selfish to appease by finding a willing partner. Yes, even when you're married, that idea sticks.
    Sex is intended as a union between two willing people- not always willing in desire, but always in commitment. Not only does that mean sometimes participating when you're not 'into' it, it also means restraining when the desire is there but the opportunity is not.
    Wouldn't it be a bigger message to your wives to say, "Hey, I'm willing to wait out of respect and love for you."

  9. First commenter again.

    Thank you for the responses.

    I came across your website a little too late in my current marriage to help, but the idea of not masturbating, even when I'm no longer married, is intriguing.

    For me the pressure builds up so quickly and it gets so all-consuming.

    I have wondered if I shouldn't be looking for a way to refocus that limitless energy.

    I know this sound crazy, but when you boil a pot of water, the cover will start rattling. Maybe by masturbating, all I'm doing is taking the cover off for a second before putting it back on.

    Maybe instead of using a release valve, maybe I should be building a steam engine and using that energy?

  10. Ok, so I'm not married. Just getting that out of the way. I'm 24, and I've been with my current girlfriend for two years. (She wants a ring.) And I frequently masturbate :-)

    Our sex life was hot HOT hot at the beginning of our relationship, but that always fades as time goes on. She has no problem with me masturbating; She prefers that over my feeling frustrated if I'm in the mood and she's not. Besides, she masturbates, too, and sometimes we masturbate together. We also watch porn together... not often, but on occasion. This all may be a generational thing; I'm not sure.

    I think there would be some problems in our relationship if she didn't let me masturbate. She understands that it provides stress relief and fills biological needs and is in no way cheating on her. Maybe I'm just a horny young adult, but I feel that releasing every couple of days (with or without my girlfriend) really improves my quality of life and peace of mind :-)

  11. I was one of those that voted "never" ... although that's not to say that I haven't in the past. I've been happily married for 14 years and my wife and I's religious beliefs keep us from masturbating. Don't get me wrong ... that's not to say that the urge hasn't been there for me, but I choose to save it for our intimate encounters.

    I have been blessed to have a wife who understands my sexual needs and has, for the most part, been pretty sexually inclined as well. I don't know what kind of frequency is common amongst couples, but having an intimate moment with my wife 3 times a week seems satisfying. I simply don't find the need to masturbate. When that time of the month comes around, there are "other ways" to have fun. Business trips on the other hand (no pun intended) can be a challenge.

    There's also a great book out there called "His Needs: Her Needs" that addresses the top 5 things that men and women need to feel emotional happiness. Number one on the list for men? Sexual fulfillment. When my wife read that (and the accompanying chapter) and realized that it's not just me that wants sex, she's been much more eager to comply.

    In summary, religious/moral convictions and a satisfying sex life has made me "one of the 80 that voted never."

  12. I wish I were married to a bloke who doesn't do it, instead of one who uses online porn the minute he has the house to himself. We don't talk about it any more now - he does his best to hide it as he knows I feel cheated on and belittled, but he doesn't realise I sometimes look in his PC and see the evidence. Yeah I know I shouldn't, it's like ambulance chasing, I just can't help looking even though I know I'll hate what I find.

    He's firmly of the opinion that it's completely harmless, is his own business, and doesn't affect our relationship, and to be fair, I don't suppose it does affect our sex life really as that's usually great.

    But, he still does it, and I think he always will. I don't even bother to ask him not to now, as I know he always, always, always will.

    Seems like I've got two choices: accept it, or pretend it's not happening.

    And I can't even begin to explain how depressing I find that, but short of divorce I can't see it changing.

  13. I'm so glad to see all the discussion that is happening here. My big recommendation is to listen to the ladies who have posted their feelings here.

    To the woman who posted right before this comment I'm making now, I'm so very sorry. Husbands, we can't argue that it's "harmless" when it's breaking out wives' hearts. We've got to be more mature than that.

    And to that woman, I don't know if you've ever suggested this site to him (and those articles in particular), but it might be worth pursuing. I've gotten a few e-mails from men who said that some of the information completely changed their view on the subject. It's worth a shot.

  14. "Husbands, we can't argue that it's "harmless" when it's breaking out wives' hearts. We've got to be more mature than that."

    Does it make any sense at all that she may not understand (such as the girlfriend) that it hurts her, until she experiences the unconditional love of being chaste for her? Just a thought.

  15. My wife and I have been married for 25 years and enjoyed a good sex life. However, over the past year or so, my wife has been having terrible migranes (no cause has been found) This happens on a regular basis. We sat down one night and talked about alternatives and she encouraged me to masturbate with the stipulation that I would only do it while I was in bed with her during the evening hours. Sometimes she is awake and snuggles while I masturbate, sometimes she lends a hand, as it were. Nevertheless, we are together, have nothing to hide and enjoy what we share. I do feel discouraged at times that she is not being satisfied, but she has assured me that all is well. There are still times when we do have sex, but certainly nothing like it use to be. I mastubate once or twice per week with my wife by my side. Talking things out and not hiding one's feeling is key to marriage survival.

  16. my husband and i enjoy a very fulfilling sex life. I would say we have sex 2-3 times a week on average; sometimes less and sometimes more. That being said; He was one of the men who answered frequently (he told me). If your question had been parsed to include wives I would have answered the same. Masterbation is not something that we do instead of being together. Quite often it's foreplay. To avoid being too detailed lets just say we have a clear shower curtain and I love it when he watches me and lets me give him a show. During these little escapades we enjoy watching one another and sometimes we don't even touch. There are other times when masturbation is the result of busy lives. I leave him x-rated stories that I've written about possible encounters we might share (or have shared)when I know I won't see him/ get to be with him that day/night. The next day I almost always ask if he enjoyed the story i left with the intent to find out if it led him to masturbate; and I've gotta say I'm proud of myself when it did. I know that my husband thinks only of me and our sexual encounters when he masturbates and vise versa. I guess my issue here is how you seem to be throwing a blanket over masturbation. From what I've gleaned from you it seems you have already decided that masturbating is wrong/dirty/deceitful/a betrayal to your spouse. At best I feel you are saying that instead of masturbating men could be using that time more productively to be with and connect to their wives. As a wife, I gotta say, that's just not true. My husband and I connect sexually and emotionally in a very poignant way when we make love, when we masturbate together and individually. I enjoy hearing about how his thoughts of me danced around in his head for hours until he had to do something about it. It's sexy. Now granted, it's sexier when we're together but that's not always possible and I think masturbation is a healthy way to connect in a marriage when physical connection is not possible or even preferred.

  17. I feel that masturbating is cheating on my wife-she laughs when I say this, but it is how I feel and how I have perceived it. I love her, and she turns me on, but the lack of sexual relations or that I perceive as her being 'not in the mood' makes me build up an amount of tension that needs to be relieved. In the five months that we have been living together I have gone from never masturbating, to occasional, and now to frequently, (1-3 times/day).

    I never do it in front of her or while she is watching--so in that sense I still do feel like I am cheating on her. If she isn't into it, or isn't in the mood for it to be enjoyable for both of us, I'd rather not do it at all. I am the guy that masturbates to fantasies about my wife 85% of the time, 10% of the time it may involve other people, and I am ashamed of that, while 5% of the time it might involve porn.

    I feel that if we had more sex (3 times/week), than we have now (once a week, if I'm lucky), then I wouldn't feel the need to masturbate on a daily basis. Am I wrong to think this? Help me.

  18. I know that this posting is for men, but I would love to know why these men masturbate so often and how often do they have sex with their wives. I truly believe that most men and a lot of women masturbate, and that it is perfectly normal. But now I think that masturbation should not be a substitute for sex with the wife. I am an attractive woman with a high sex drive, and my husband masturbates more often than he has sex with me. He says that I put too much pressure on him to perform. So I would love to hear from some of you on this topic. Are you sexually satisfied in your marriage and still masturbating frequently or is it a substitute for sex with your wife?

  19. No, I'm not satisfied. We don't even kiss or hug. We have made love a handful of times in the last ten years. I've almost given up ever asking. My drive is such that 2-3 times per week would be ideal. I hate mb, but sometimes the desire for sex makes my skin crawl and unless I relieve it I won't sleep. Sometimes you just want the craving to go away temporarily.

    I work full-time (she stays home). I make tea for her and bring it to her in bed, do the dishes, fold the laundry, take out the trash, feed the cat, and cook occasionally. I make breakfast and lunch for our son, get him off to school, make dinner for him more often than not, read to him and get him off to bed. I haven't gained an ounce since college (she has gained 20+ lbs), and other women at work compliment my appearance (she says I am out of shape and unappealing). Her attitude is that she's miserable and stressed, all her problems are my fault, and she's not interesting in going to counseling.

    For years, I tolerated her snoring and her rejection even of snuggling in bed; finally I moved into the guest room because I hoped her complaints about my snoring would end and better sleep would improve her mood. It didn't help; she still complains of bad sleep.

    Divorce is not an option for me, because the woman always gets custody and I don't want to be written out of my son's life. But I shudder to think about the prospect of living 40 more years this way. If this is marriage, I am hard-pressed to someday recommend it to my son.

  20. To the previous comment by "Anonymous,"

    Your situation breaks my heart, and I wish things were set up in such a way that we could give you specific, professional help in your situation. Know that in all these responses, you can only take the advice and apply it to your own situation specifically, but please make sure not to simply write it off.

    From what little you've said, my initial reaction would be to tell you that it's time for you to stand up and fight for your marriage. I'm glad to hear that you say divorce is not an option; I want to also hear you say that your current marriage situation is not an option either.

    The term "enabler" comes to mind. I feel like you going completely out or your way to try and appease her is just enabling her to be the wife and mother that she is. This isn't helping her or your marriage.

    Exactly how you put the following into action, I'm not sure, but please consider this advice:

    I think your wife needs you to step up and take control of this marriage. You don't suggest getting counseling, you tell her that you recognize the need for it, and that you two will be going together. You don't need to give an ultimatum (like, "Or we'll get a divorce!"), you just need to tell her that you'll be doing it together, and that's it. Enlist the help of family and friends to make this happen. (Get their support, have them watch your son, etc.)

    You could do the same with reading a book together. Tell her, "From now on, before we go to sleep, I'm going to sit on the bed and read a chapter from this marriage book." And tell her why: "Because this marriage means more to me than where we are right now. Because I love us more than this."

    You may not get a positive reaction, but as long as she doesn't absolutely refuse and leave the house (or refuse to get in the car to go to the counselor), she'll be seeing and hearing how much you care about your marriage, and not just her as your wife.

    In short, I truly feel you need to be assertive about this. Don't suggest that you get help, tell her that you both will be getting help. Tell her straight forward that you believe your marriage is in trouble, and you are going to do everything you can to make it better.

    Marriage is hard, but it is worth the fight. Sometimes we have to fight passively, and sometimes we have to fight actively. For you, I think it's time to be active.

    She may refuse at first, but exposing her to positive resources won't make the situation any worse.

    Please keep me updated, I would love to help in any way that I can. (You can send me e-mails using the link in the sidebar if you'd like.)

    Praying for you,

    A Husband

  21. To the man who feels alone and rejected. You are right in that most women get custody of the children. But being a child from divorced parents, I wish that my parents would have divorced sooner. If you and your wife are not happy with one another, there is no way that you have a happy home for your son. He would be better off with two parents that are happily apart than two parents that are misreable together. I thought my situation was bad until I read yours. I am unhappy because I would like to have sex more than once or twice a month. I also do not get any hugs or kisses. I am trying to work on things in my marriage. I think about my children and how our marriage is affecting them. I want them to see two people who love and respect one another. I want my children to see their parents being loving to each other. We set the examples for our children.

  22. I have been married to my husband for 11 years. In those 11 years I have had to deal with disrespect, neglect, rejection, lonliness and betrayal . In 2004, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Instead of supporting me, he used my disorder to justify his actions. It was the worst time of my life. He was a single divorced male to everyone else, giving other women the attention that should have been directed toward me. Fast forward to 2008, we attended a marriage boot camp for 4 days,4/29-5/3/08. I had worked through some really hard things and had forgiven him for betraying me for all these years. I thought this was a new beginning. I FORGAVE him. It was one of the hardest things I have had to do. He apologized and promised he wouldn't betray me again, one being looking at porn to masturbate. Well, the day after we returned, he resorted to his ugly behavior toward me but not cheating on me that I could find. During the months of July to Oct., he started behaving like he did in 2004. I started really digging and this time I was not goint to stop until I knew for sure he was being faithful to me. Last night I discovered that he has been looking at internet porn since July. I was devastated, furious and FURIOUS, and betrayed. Even with all of our issues, our sex life has been good. Since the marriage boot camp and more specifically, since the middle of October, it was wonderful. We had connected on a higher deeper level all to be cheapened and degraded. I am disgusted! I finally thought and felt that he was satisfied and I was enough. We hsd been having sex between 5 to 6 days a week to 2-3times a week. And I am the one who initiates sex most of the time, give quickies, the works. He has never been denied sex by me. What is even worse, he did not show any remorse. He was sorry he got caught,not sorry for what he did. Because I am Bipolar (on meds, doing fine) He called me crazy, psycho, and quack (another promise broken.) His excuse was that he had asked me for a pic and I didn't give him one had only been 2 maybe 3 days since our last sexual encounter when he secretly masturbated while ooking at another woman's naked body. What you husbands need to undeerstand, it's not the actual act: it's what it means. AND if you aren't giving it up to your wife because of this, shame on you for not performing your duties to your wife. Think about your wife getting off, getting excited while looking at another man's hard dick, fantasing about how good it felt and then climazing. She comes home, satisfied but it wasn't youwho put that smile on her face. it was the naked man with a huge one on the internet. (Sorry, just speaking your langauge. I really want you to get how degrading and how rejected and cheated on we really feel

  23. This is really interesting... I wonder what the difference is, how the thought process differs, between women who feel rejected and cheated on when their men masturbate and those (like my SO) who don't care or like it or are excited by it. Maybe it's not intrinsically the act itself but the situations/reasoning/conflicts/state of marriage surrounding it? Anyone have any ideas?

  24. Not surprised at all. Men are programmed to enjoy sexual variety. Many fight this urge, especially if they are married by masturbating now and then either using fantasy or some kind of porn. This allows the married man to escape into his own private sexual world, affording him a bit of variety without him going outside the marriage to seek it like a single or divorced man can.

  25. My guy and I are having a lot of trouble understanding each other on this subject! I walked in on him one time, watching porn and taking care of his needs, after we hadn't had sex for several days- (he told me his penis was sore and we had been supposedly been letting him heal) I offered to join in, started kissing him and enjoying my fantasies about how I was going to please him, and he basically pushed me away, waited till I left, and finished the job alone. I was crushed, I felt angry, unwanted, and yes, cheated on. I keep him happy, I NEVER say no, I am always available to him whenever he wants it. I have offered variety, I have offered to watch porn with him, I have offered to dance for him, whatever. He never takes me up on any of it. I always offer him oral sex during my period, I enjoy it and I want to take care of his needs. He avoids me, treats me like I'm diseased or something, and I end up pushing it on him at some point, and then it's really not fun any more! Recently, he admiited to jacking off during my period, instead of taking the oral sex. Why would any man, in his right mind, do that? (and I know what I'm doing, believe me). Would men really rather masturbate than have sex with a woman? I am so confused!

    1. I know I'm 4 years behind in this discussion, but after reading this last post... I thought I was the only one. I have NEVER said no to ANY of his sexual wishes. And I already know he masturbates to porn frequently... I was told it was just a visual aid. Nevertheless, this doesn't make sense to me when I am available to him 24/7, even to fulfill his wildest fantasies... yet we only have sex like 4 times a month. Could it be that he's impotent (he's only 45)?

    2. I can relate to both of your situations. although mine is a little different due to my job I am at work more than I am at home. I have noticed spurts of detached behavior from my husband, of 7 years, over time and gone digging for the cause of the behavior. recently I have noticed an uptick in amateur porn activity, and even other women coming onto him through work and facebook.(there was even a night he didn't come home and lied about it; but that is a different story) when confronted he tried to turn it back on me and put a password on his computer. I am in my thirties, in my opinion not unattractive, probably heavier than I should be, but never had any complaints in bed. my hormones have been in my opinion normal for my age. I was awakened about a month ago to the bed shaking, and sat still and listened for a minute before I realized that my husband was masturbating in the bed with me less than a foot away, and having already told him that I was so horny I couldn't sleep, I was crushed. I did the best I could to turn the situation around by acting like I was just horny and started rubbing on him. the next day I waited till the house was empty and he was up and around and asked him if he wanted to talk about why he was masturbating in the bed with me ready and willing right beside him. he tried to play it off like he didn't know what I was talking about... so I did a "slow motion replay" describing being woken up by shaking of the bed, his panting and other associated sounds. he still tried to act like he had absolutely no recollection of it at all. I tried to let it drop. I went so far as to ask if he has lost interest in me, to volunteer ANYTHING that he wanted to do in bed (or out), expressed my willingness to work with any fantasies he might have. asked if there was anything I was doing wrong, or could be doing better, to better satisfy him and make him happy. he basically shut me down, told me there was nothing wrong with me, he doesn't dream so he doesn't have any fantasies, and had no suggestions. while I was at home the other night, horny as usual; but had cuddled up to go to sleep, when I turned over I felt him tuck the covers in between us and pull down his sleep shorts (did I mention he sleeps in shorts and a tank top?)started masturbating again. I had made it perfectly clear that I don't mind being woken up at any time for that no matter how sleep deprived I am, because we don't get to spend a whole lot of time together. since finding the increase in amateur porn activity on his computer I have tried to capture his attention in different ways. and our sex lives have improved (try to have sex every day I am home unless monthly curse arrives at which time I will happily satisfy him orally)

      I haven't been able to check his porn activity recently, but he doesn't look at it when I am around. and the 2 times I have caught him masturbating the T.V. was on a boring non-sexual channel, or was off and room was dark. I don't know how to explain to him how depressing it is that when you are ready willing and able to actively participate in ANY way with your husband; that he would wait until you go to sleep and rub one out. feelings of inadequacy, betrayal, depression, frustration are first and foremost, followed quickly by what am I doing wrong? and what can I do to fix it? also wondering if he is masturbating in an attempt to be considerate of my sleep? or am I just conveniently blinding myself to the obvious; and this is just the tip of the iceberg that I have uncovered?

      any suggestion, opinions, or input would be greatly appreciated!

    3. I can relate closely to your situation.

      I do not mind my husband partaking in the self love, it is when I am left wanting more that it bothers me most.

      There have. Even multiple occasions when he comes home from work and gets directly into the shower, which I know is where he masturbates if I'm around. I've spen all day missing him and wanting him near, and on most days would be ready and willing to satisfy the moment he walks in the door. However I'm greeted with a hello, and then the loud moaning of the porn videos he doesn't think I can hear through the bathroom wall.(which connects to our bedroom, I'm not listening through the door)

      In the case of your husband masturbating while you are sleeping, this could be some form of fantasy or weird turn on for him?

  26. To the latest anonymous... your man's got some problems. I WISH my SO was that committed to pleasing me (we have sex about once a week, I mb about 2 or 3 times in addition... if we had sex every other day, I'd never mb). You really need to talk to him about this. It's a real problem if he prefers masturbating to sex. Personally, I'd take sex over mb any day of the week. Tell him he's hurting you, that you feel rejected. Try to figure out why he prefers masturbation to sex. Ask him if he's gay (if he's not, this may bother him and make him give you the truth). See if there are other areas in your relationship that are hurting which may be affecting your sex life. Just make him talk.

  27. My wife and I usually have sex three to four times a week.
    We have a wonderful relationship. I usually masturbate two to three times a week in addition to our regular love making. For me, masturbation is NOT nearly as good as our regular love making, but I do it mostly because I feel I would be "hounding her" if I asked for it any more often. I could "save myself" only for "us only". My wife doesn't have a problem with me practicing self love although I don't make a point to advertise every time I do it and she is usually not here when i do. Maybe it would shock her if she knew just how many times a week I do it. We have talked about it and she says that making love every other day for her is plenty and every day would be too often. I really would like to make love every day sometimes and sometimes more than once a day(not always). She lovingly makes accommodation for me when it comes to every other day (I am thankful that she loves me and "gives it to me" as often as she does). So I guess you could say that I am improvising and making accommodations for us both.

  28. OK, if you're still reading comments here, iamhusband. I appreciate all of the comments I've read in this whole series (and have gotten quite an education!).
    Both my husband and I feel masturbation is wrong biblically (which is not to say we have both not experienced it.) In one of the posts, a person named Geoff expressed best the way that we see it, as well.

    HOWEVER, my question is this: What about when a husband travels a lot? If he only masturbates with his wife on the other end of the phone, and she participates in his fun, with words, promises, etc., is that still wrong?

    Thanks for your blog.

  29. The the previous anonymous,

    Your question is tough more me to answer because, as my posts on the masturbation in marriage indicate, I do not believe masturbation is always wrong.

    Those who site it as "sinful" usually go to two places in the Bible: Onan and Jesus' comments on lusting. All other arguments are based on simple reasoning, which is based on personal experience. That's fine, but it is personal experience.

    Onan is out right away, if he's what you're thinking about. The story was not about masturbation; he pulled out early, he didn't masturbate. It was a common birth control method and, as we learn later in the Old Testament, it was the brother's responsibility to do what he was asked to do.

    Second, Jesus' thoughts on lusting are very true, and I don't seek to say that they are not. But, they are based in the context of "lusting after a women." If you are not lusting, it is difficult for me to see the wrong in masturbation, especially when it is for a reason, like when the husband is away on business frequently. To me, it becomes a tool to help you two stayed dedicated to each other, not separate you.

    A man is biologically designed to need sexual release every few days, but if you've got a husband who is used to getting sex two or three times a week and he's away on a three-week business trip, that's just asking for trouble. As your body builds sexual tension, everything starts to point your mind to sex. Suddenly, it's harder to flip past the inappropriate channels in the hotel room, and suddenly it becomes easy to feel a little resentment to your wife who would rather you feel like this than to spend a few minutes relieving that pressure and refocusing the mind (that can be the husband's thought).

    Of course none of this reasoning applies if masturbation is a sin issue for your spouse. If lusting automatically accompanies masturbation (see the series on masturbation for more on this), than your husband is no better off masturbating and should refrain all together.

    As I mentioned before, though my wife knows all about my views on masturbation and the things I wrote about in the series, she is still not comfortable with me masturbating. That means (to a husband trying to do everything to please his wife), that I'm not either. As yet we have never had to spend more than a week apart from each other, so I've never had to bring it up again. If a three week trip starts creeping up, however, we'll be discussing it again.

    In short, I believe this is something for a husband and a wife to decide. Base your decision off biblical principles, but please don't site the Bible as giving a distinct yes or no on the subject.

    Hope some of this helps,

    A Husband

    P.S. Oh, and just to point out an inconsistency in the reasoning of masturbation being sinful all the time: Though many religious couples believe that it is sinful, wives never have any hesitation with their husband having a semen analysis in the case of fertility testing. Why? Because they desire a baby that much. Now if it is a "sinful act," shouldn't it be sinful all the time? Or maybe the correct perspective is understanding that there are times when it is appropriate, and times when it is not.

  30. I do not understand the need for husbands to masturbate. My wife and I have been married for nearly 22 years. Before we were married she asked me to stop and I agreed to stop. I have not pleasured myself since then. Later after we were married a few weeks I thought it would be great gift to give up orgasms altogether to show her my commitment to her. We discussed it and we agreed to try it and we stuck with it. The only time i have had an orgasm since we were married was when we got pregnant and a couple of accidents early on. Some of the time requires real will power, but mostly, just knowing I made a commitment is enough. I would never want it to be different. The fact that it is sometimes a very difficult commitment to keep makes it more meaningful to me and her. We have a good sex life. I frequently pleasure her and we cuddle a lot. We have the most intense connection to each other. I think this simple act on my part is what made our relationship so much stronger.

  31. Well, I have the most amazing husband. My only problem is that he masturbates (lately) almost everyday. We are both 39 years old and he tells me that there is no way he could keep up with my sex drive. I could have sex everyday and be quite happy. I am willing to try anything as long as it's just between him and I. So why is he masturbating instead of having sex with me?? I think our sex life is great, I would even give him oral sex and not expect anything in return (and do this quite often) but he masturbates later that day anyway. It makes me feel that I'm not doing a good job, yet he tells me it's terrific and that if any other guy knew what he had, they'd be so jealous.

    I feel that when he masturbates he IS cheating on me. I am reluctant to bring it up with him because he is so wonderful in every other aspect of our relationship ... it's just this one thing. And it hurts me so much.

    Can someone tell me what I'm doing wrong, please.

  32. To the previous anonymous commenter,

    It sounds to me like your husband has a serious addiction to himself. A man is designed to desire (not need) release every 48-72 hours. To convince himself that he needs you and himself daily to satisfy his sex drive is an artificial need he has created, and it probably stems from childhood.

    The biggest issue here is that it bothers you. If he is so wonderful in every other aspect of your relationship, as you say, then he should be wonderful in how he respects your feelings in regard to this topic.

    My strong suggestion is that you have him read my series of posts on masturbation in marriage, and then talk about what he read (and if you haven't read those posts, I urge you to do so). Ask him which things relate to him and which don't. The important thing is to bring this up and have it be an open subject in your marriage.

    If would like to continue this conversation, feel free to e-mail me using the link at the top of the sidebar.

  33. His comment would be ... 'you can't get something without giving something else up'. I'm scared to think what I would be giving up.

    I do think your comment about having a serious addiction to himself is extremely accurate though. I know he feels that he DESERVES everything good and wonderful in this life. More so than anyone else I know. Like I said, he's an amazing man. And if I brought it up with him, he'd listen ... and when I did bring it up a couple of years ago, his comment was, 'sometimes it's just about ME'.

    Do you really think the biggest issue is that it bothers me? Because that is what he would say too.

  34. The thing is, in a relationship, it's never about me. (See my post on marriage not being 50/50 here.) In a relationship, it's always about us.

    I do think the biggest issue is that it bothers you. I think the difference between what I'm saying and what you feel your husband would say is that I'm telling you that how you're feeling is an important and valid concern.

    As I wrote in one of the articles on masturbation in marriage, I personally did not see it as a very important issue, and felt I could do it and it not affect my relationship with my wife. However, my wife did not see it the same way. Because I value her feelings above my own (the essence of love), I made the choice to honor her feelings for the sake of our relationship, instead of ignoring her feelings for the sake of my desires.

    I guess the biggest issue here is not that it bothers you, but that it bothers you but your husband doesn't value your feelings on the subject.

  35. Yes, it does bother me ... more than it bothers him. But to be quite fair, I haven't ever asked him to stop - I just don't feel right about asking ANYONE to stop doing something that bothers ME and isn't hurting anyone else. My husband takes my feelings into consideration all the time, I know that. I just haven't been all that 'eloquent' in telling him exactly what I want and how I feel on this subject. I've prayed about it and then feel guilty that I'm asking for peace of mind about something I don't know I want peace of mind about ... does that make sense??

    I have to say, in some ways, you sound an awful lot like my husband. He says the same thing about a relationship being 100/100 ... we tell people that is how & why our relationship works so VERY well. And it does, in EVERY single aspect other than this masturbation problem. I've known for quite a while that I have to talk to him (for my own peace of mind). You really have helped me understand a lot.

    My husband and I both sacrifice (or compromise!) a lot in order for our relationship to work. And it's great! Our kids benefit from it everyday -- as do we.

    Your posts are very insightful and honest, I appreciate that.

  36. Why didn't you poll the women as well?

  37. I'm female. Masturbate probably once a day... or more. If i was with a man who told me that me masturbating was like me cheating on him then i'd say he was either naive or selfish or both. I dont really understand this problem of masturbation; actually the idea of a man masturbating is an arousing concept for me. Porn doesnt bother me either would gladly watch it with him. It's all mediums for sexual arousal - you can't control what people think and im sure many men have 'bad (whatever)' thoughts about women all the time everywhere they go anyway. You have to take these things with a pinch of salt - after all it's better to be involved in these things than for them to be doing it secretly. No one should have to do anything like that secretly you're in a relationship together and supposed to accept one another especially sexuality.

    A good way of breaking bounderies with masturbation is phonesex.. if he is on a long business trip and you don't feel comfortable with the idea of him masturbating might be better if you were doing it together over the phone :)

  38. I don't understand how a woman feels "cheated" by her mate's masterbation. The husband is NOT renting a motel room, he is NOT sending flowers, he is NOT kissie-kissie with anyone other than a mental image of "the ideal woman under the ideal situation!" It is centered on releasing sperm! Read and re-read that last sentence again. FURTHER, he is, as an earlier post refered to it, "relieving the pressure from a boiling pot." It's purely biological. Survival of the species. "Go forth and multiply." GOT IT, GALS?
    It is as biological as a woman's period. Get over it. It's NOT personal.
    HOW SELF-CENTERED AND SELFISH OF YOU! DO YOU LOVE HIM? GET OVER IT! Obviously, (DUH!) you're competing with Mother Nature.

  39. Good book to read: The Porn Trap. It answered a lot of questions I had about porn and masturbation. To the A--hole above, I am not self centered and selfish, actually it's the sleaze bag husbands who have issues with low self esteem and selfishness. I've read dozens of books and articles, and have been to therapy and joined S-anon. I don't sneak and hid my sexuality. And needing "it" I need it now and everyday, Mr. low self esteem can't keep "up" with me, needs to take ED meds. My stuff works great, and I'm considered a"MILF" by my daughters male friends. I hope my husband gets over that!

  40. I'm sorry that I upset you by using the term "self centered and selfish." That was not my intention. Please forgive me. However, in reading the seven lines of your response, anyone couldn't help but notice "I had...I am...I've...I don' need...with me...My stuff...I'm considered...I hope my..."
    You DO mention other people, all of them of the opposite gender, as "A-hole above," "sleaze bag husbands," and "Mr. low self esteem."
    The bible never directly addresses the subject of masterbation. For that reason, I wonder if it is considered as wrong (a sin). You would think that it SURELY would be one of the hundreds of specific "thou shalt nots". I still maintain that it is strictly a biological force. (see April 24 2009 234PM)

  41. As a woman, to the poster who does not understand how a woman could feel cheated... Look at the very definition in this series about "Type C" masturbators. It's not rooted in reality.

    I would like to clarify though. In past relationships I have not had a problem with "Type B" masturbators who remain rooted in reality. My problem comes in when my husband, so used to fantasizing for a lifetime about porn stars, can't look at me and find me attractive because he's comparing me to these women he has fantasized about that are airbrushed and otherwise perfect. My problem gets more difficult when he is SO used to the instant gratification of masturbation and having it only be about himself that he has no idea how to care about what his wife gets out of a sexual experience. My problem is that he would rather masturbate, get his instant gratification, and think about these unrealistically gorgeous women. It allows him to be selfish, and he's only used to being selfish when it comes to his sexual gratification. Where does that leave me?

    I think that women feel cheated when it sends the message that we just aren't good enough. We just aren't beautiful enough. How exactly can any real woman compare?

    For those that wish to save sex for marriage, the man in the relationship most likely has a history of watching porn and masturbation. They've built up-- for quite a long time-- that sex is supposed to be like it is in porn. Then come the wedding night and all sexual encounters to follow, real sex is a disappointment.

  42. Well, first of all, there's no way to justify pornography. It's a gift from Hell! Maybe you need to have a calm and casual talk with him about that "airbrushed" porn star(s). Mention how she has to be high on drugs to perform, being physically abused (on and off camera) like NO ONE should have to experience. Does he think that she isn't a carrier for all kinds of VD? He can add that to his fantasizing. Ask him if he'd like to have his daughter (or sister, or mother) in a sleezy motel "doin' it, baby!" with a bunch of naked, horny, mentally sick guys. Oh, and that closing scene with them leaving their semen in all of her cavities, all over her tired, aching and abused body.
    One the other hand, (sorry 'bout that!) have you ever teased guys by wearing a pair of tight short shorts? (Hundreds of thousands have been sold!) Are you guilty of wearing a top with a plunging neckline? When you were a cute teenage girl, ever stuff Klennex in your bra? Come on now, girl! Why the glossy lipstick? What's it for? I hope you're not going cause some guy to fantisize and... You gals don't show off your curvy hips to impress other women. So, if YOUR husbsnd has been the target... Hmmmm. It seems to be a different story, isn't it? Kinda like waving a match over a can of gasoline.

  43. To the previous poster: I've honestly never been one to flaunt myself. Never stuffed my bra. Never wore short shorts (actually I hate shorts in general). The plunging neckline stuff... I rarely wear anything like that and if I do, it's just for my husband. I don't even care much for makeup-- I've been told I look good without it. It makes me break out anyway. I'm just not that girly, but he knew that when we first met. I'm more of the video game playing, beer drinking, baseball game watching type. I also prefer Best Buy to any clothing store-- I just buy clothes online.

    That said, people will complain that I don't do enough to dress myself up for my husband. And if I do get all dressed up, then I'm accused of trying to flaunt myself. It's really a lose-lose situation, isn't it? I'm more likely to try harder about the way I look when I'm feeling good about myself, but I haven't been feeling so good about myself in awhile, due to constant rejection from my husband that I don't really see the point anymore.

    Regarding your statement about things to tell him about the women in porn-- I highly doubt that's going to help. The point of fantasizing is fantasy. So he clearly likes imagining that the woman truly enjoys all that. That's what turns him on. Even more so, it turns him on to fantasize that a woman that looks like a porn star would enjoy all of that WITH HIM.

    He's kind of stubborn.

  44. How melancholy. You describe yourself as sort of a plain Jane, good buddy, nice-pal-to-hang-out-with person. There’s something missing from your self portrait. In our short exchange, I lack the knowledge to know what it is. How does a high energy, action fantasy guy get hooked on (and married to) that “ I don't even care much for makeup” person you described?? If premarital sex occurred, it had to be more than another chalk mark on the headboard for him. He married you... that’s a major step.
    One of the problems you share with other women in these situations: there are so many things to pull him into his fantasy. Suggestive music on his radio, the sex-garbage channels promoted on cable & satellite TV, backed up with the countless computer sex sites - and their teaser ads ...and those anonymous email "offers." Even the magazine rack at the neighborhood grocery checkout counter is getting sexier covers - that can get your guy's mental molecules stirring. And, I’m afraid it’s only going to get worse, unless some women band together to help enforce some standards of moral decency in this country. Maybe you? Is your man and your marriage important to you? Are you willing to fight to keep your man?

  45. Who invited the above creep to this post? He must be a real catch!
    I'd love to meet with you and debate your stupid comments. Who do you think owns the magazine companies, the strip clubs and the sex sites? MEN! If you didn't know, sex sells! No, I don't hate men, I love men. Men who can be open and honest with their wives about their sexuality. I'm not some old frump who doesn't care about my appearance, just the opposite! My husband just recently asked me "why I stay with him, when I could do better?" Better, you bet! Be with a man who doesn't lie about going to strip clubs, watching porn movies in hotels, and on the internet each day. Introduce me to that man.

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  49. Let me remind you that this site is my site, and just like I wouldn't let you walk into my house and talk like that to each other in front of family, I'm not going to let you talk that way to each other here on my little plot of land on the internet.

    Please everyone, let's talk to one another like we'd like to be talked to. I don't know why we think that being a jerk online is okay, even though we'd never talk that way to a stranger in real life.

    I do my best to allow freedom of speech here in the comments, but when those comments cross a line, I step up and take control of my house.

  50. First off, let me start by saying that I am bipolar. I am a wife of only 2 and 1/2 years. For the first two years, I was insanely jealous of my husband. First, I chalked it up to my mental illness. However, since then, I have found that my husband (a self-proclaimed "good man") was involved in pornography and masturbation. He says that he does neither of the two anymore. I have reason to believe that he is still masturbating. I have always been available to him at any given time. This man was the love of my life; Or at least that's what I believed. Since I found out the truth, I have lost my respect for him. Now, I feel betrayed, belittled and worthless as a woman and a wife. I am a little overweight...not obese. I hate taking my clothes off in his presence. I am a Christian woman though definitely not a saint. While he was indulging in this behavior, we enjoyed a GREAT sexual relationship. I was very open to anything sexually (but only with him). However, he was reluctant to experience anything considered to be kinky with me. I was always the one to initiate any type of "different" activities. He didn't seem to be that interested. Since I found out that he'd been watching porn and indulging in self-love, everytime we have sex, I can't help but feel that he is not mentally with me, but envisioning other women. I know he loves me...but why can't he, or any other man for that matter, understand how it makes a wife feel? I am considering divorce because I don't think things will ever change. In every other way he is soooo good to me, but I am still so hurt by his actions. Any advice for me?

  51. To the previous anonymous commenter,

    I am sorry for your struggles, and your feelings seem to be more common than you may feel.

    Without truly knowing more of your situation, I would suggest that you go and read the series on masturbation here. Then, once you have a handle on some basic information and facts, you can better be prepared to lovingly sit down with your husband and tell him how this is hurting you.

  52. To the "bipolar" wife, believe me I truly understand what you're going through. What you wrote in the above comment, is exactly how I too have felt and still feel. I wish I could tell you the pain goes away tomorrow, but it doesn't. I have been to therapy and with my husband, couples counseling. Next month will be two years ago when my life changed dramatically, as well as my children's too. Pornography has been so corrosive to my FAMILY. There can be no lies in a marriage, it affects everyone! My suggestion to you would be to get counseling, join S-anon, read, read, read about porn and masturbation and take this negative in your life and turn it into something good. Work on yourself!

  53. 29 years old. Married 5 years. The first year, my wife was willing. now we have sex 2-3 times a month. I have tried many different approaches with little success. I masturbate daily. I don't want to, but can't seem to make myself OK with our frequency.

  54. Someone mentioned Dr. Laura Schlessinger's views on MB--I have been trying to look that up. Does anyone have a reference?

  55. I can definitely understand where this could be a significant issue within a marriage. It seems that the majority of guys like to complain among buddies that they are being deprived in the bedroom. And if you view sexual activity as a way of "keeping score" you are sure to be disappointed and feel driven to taking care of your own urges even though that inevitably turns out not to be fulfilling.

    Fortunately, my wife and I have changed our views on sexuality by discussing the issues together and settling on the practice of Natural Family Planning. NFP has really strengthened all aspects of our marriage, and I highly recommend checking it out.


  56. As a husband who's been in the house for the past 6 months ( searching for full time employment) I can tell you the internet is a trash heap of porn and more porn. I've struggled with my tempations in the past and held out for quite awhile.

    For some it probably is healthy is a relationship, for others however, its a very slippery slope.

    I fall into the later catagory, and I can tell you I cannot wait to be out of the house and occupied with work! The other night my wife and I started to fool around, but ended up stopping because I knew I wouldn't be able to get off b/c I had masturbated a couple times that day allready! She feels rejected, and I feel like a total looser.

    I feel so bad for making her feel bad, and its not that she doesn't turn me on - on the contrary I'm fanasaizing about her when I masturbate - its a matter of me being un occupied and giving into tempation.

    Easy for me to rationalize but I can't get over how terrible I know I've made her feel.

  57. I am another one of those wives who feels rejected, worthless, not good enough, betrayed and disgusted with her husbands behavior..When we married 19 years ago, he swore he'd never masturbate when he heard how horrible my first husband made me feel by preferring his hand to me for 5 years. Well, I find out not too many years later that he has been using porn to masturbate to when he goes to work. I was totally devastated because I had made the mistake of actually believing his promises and then to find they were all lies was almost more than I could handle. I went to counseling and all I got was "oh, don't take it so seriously, all men do it" Well, how can I not take it seriously when I can't eat, I'm sick to my stomach I hurt so badly. I just lost so much respect for him with his lies. Well, I had asked him to please just never say anything to me on this subject again, since I knew that I couldn't believe any more of his "promises". I figured this was one instance where ignorance was bliss. Ten years passed and I have only started to relax about this and not still hurt when by accident I found a porn magazine in his desk in the garage along with K-Y jelly. I felt like a spear had just gone through my heart. I asked him about it and he tried to deny using it, but after talking some more, he said that he had been masturbating to spite me! He said that he knew how much it would hurt me and he had felt mad at me for having to have said no to his advances a few times because we had just had sex earlier and since I am going through menopause, I was actually bleeding from our last bout of lovemaking. I just don't know how to make ammends with a husband who would use his wife's deepest insecurity and hurt to somehow "get back at her" for saying no when she was physically hurting from having sex earlier. I asked him who would do such a mean thing and his answer was, "the little boy in him". Well, 2 points for "honesty?" but I thought I had married a man. I am so upset, I really don't know how to get past this one. He has never been one to take responsibility for his mistakes, there are always rationalizations. I have seen this little boy side of him many times, but this is pretty tough to swallow. He also had a fling with another woman and he said later that his driving force was again, just to hurt me. He says he loves me, but I don't call that love.

    I guess I just needed a place to vent, as I know it is up to me to decide where to go from here.

  58. There's a lot of man bashing going on here and I agree with the guy who pointed out that we don't exactly live in a burka-wearing society. Hollywood movies and television are the core of American culture and it isn't a haven for the unattractive. The desire to be attractive is natural and millions of people buy cosmetics, go on diets, buy fancy clothes or expensive cars, or go get their hair done, or wear jewelry or etc.... to make other people think they are attractive. Well, it works.

    To expect that your spouse would never find another human on the planet attractive is completely naive. My wife is into cowboys. I am not a cowboy... but I gladly play one on certain nights at her request ;)

    I'd like to point out that this issue is a two-way street. My wife is addicted to romance books. I know women are going to claim they aren't porn but they are. And the same feelings of inadequacy and hurt go the other way. Those books create fantasies for women that men can never measure up to. I'd prefer my wife come to bed with me instead of staying up late reading them but you know what? She's not cheating on me by reading a book. It's pleasure from her imagination and I think it's oppressive for any spouse to dictate what the other can or can't do for pleasure. If porn and masturbation and fantasy are divorcable offenses to you but not your spouse then you should just get divorced. A relationship isn't about one person domineering and controlling the other. And likewise if one person's needs are neglected for ANY reason then maybe the union is a bad match.

    My wife and I don't have similar sex drives. I need it every day. She needs it about once a month. She's asked her doctor and she said it was completely normal for a career woman with 4 kids to have a decreased interest. Should I divorce her because we aren't 21 anymore and climbing into the back of the car every time we park? That would be stupid wouldn't it? Viva la porn! They don't call it a marital aid for nothing.

    Did one guy really say he gave up orgasms altogether?! What wife would make him do that?! Why doesn't she make him go get castrated?

  59. 30 years old. Married for 5

    Used to MB frequently, but have tried to cutback to once every 2-3 days. Wife has no desire for sex. I try to get her involved and let her help me with a hand job. I try to express to her that I need this release. I always hope that she will initiate or offer to give me one, but it never happens. She doesn't even masturbate. She just doesn't even consider it.

    it sucks

    so envious of some of my single friends who are out and about with girls that want it while I sit at home hoping wife goes to bed early so I can stroke in peace

  60. I've been married to my husband for 9 months. We have a great sex life. We usually have sex everyday, sometimes skipping a day, but not often. Sometimes we have sex more than once per day if the mood strikes. He always says how sexy he thinks I am and how much I turn him on. We do it in all kinds of different positions, I give him oral, talk dirty to him, touch myself in front of him. We both have high sex drives and I thought we were so matched perfectly. The thing is we did not have internet for awhile, had just moved and were trying to save money. Just got it two months ago. I went to bed early one night and I get up at like 1:30am and I find him on the computer masturbating to porn. We had sex twice the day before and once the day before that. I felt hurt. And it seemed so sneaky on his part. Made me wonder if I don't satisfy him the way I thought I did. It's not the fact that he masturbates that bothers me but the fact he is using images of other woman to get off. We had a huge blow up and several days later I find it on the computer again. He didn't even delete it that time, I think to piss me off. I tried to talk to him about how it makes me feel. He says it's just images and a quick way to get off. I've tried to back off. That was two weeks ago. I went home at lunch today and found a cum rag on the computer desk but all the porm was deleted out of the history. I texted him and told him I found the rag. He said he was sorry but was thinking about me from the night before. We had GREAT sex and he got horny and needed to relieve himself. IF he was thinking about me, then why didn't he masturbate to those thoughts of me instead of looking a other naked woman to get off? I don't know what to think. I just know how it makes me feel. Does he have a problem. If he is looking a porn three to four days a week plus having sex with me on average once a day, is that NORMAL? We are both 32.

  61. I totally agree with poster from October 27, 2009.

    I believe I understand why a woman in a committed relationship would feel anxious about her SO seeking another OUTLET for his sexual appetite without directly involving her.

    It is fairly common. I have seen this lead to accumulated mistrust and an eventual breakdown of the relationship as a result of an apparent misunderstanding of a gender-based MISMATCH in MOTIVE and INTENT behind SOLO-SEXUALITY.

    I would like to point out that while it is common for many women to interpret their SO's non-mutual sexual needs as a threat or competition for their affection, many men would feel likewise threatened if they found that their GF/wife had a vibe or dildo stashed in a drawer that apparently was put into service in their absence.

    The same concerns of "Does this mean that I am NOT ENOUGH?", "Is he/she not able to control themselves sexually?" Etc. could come into play.

    Still, I would like to know where all the Male-bashers get the idea that her feelings and objections AUTOMATICALLY outweigh HIS?

    Where did we get the idea that HER "FEELING" cheated on is somehow more important than HIS freedom to enjoy his own sexual "FEELING" of WELL-BEING?

    Is that all WE are as Men and HUSBANDS - TOOLS for a woman's satisfaction? At the first hint that we might NEED something that doesn't involve you, we must be CORRECTED?

    There have been sufficient comments on the VALIDITY of the MALE SEX DRIVE that I will only add one more for those who want to dismiss it:

    Try TESTOSTERONE INJECTION THERAPY to MALE LEVELS for yourself BEFORE you rant on about what is and what isn't controlable. For you men out there who were willing or capable of control at levels from self-regulation to self-castration - bully for you!


    I personally do not addict to Nicotene. I can smoke a pipe or cigar several times in a given week and then go for months, a year, or years and NOT EVEN have an interest or desire. That doesn't mean I think people have "no excuse" to be fighting a tobacco addiction.

  62. I do NOT agree with a MAN voluntarily "REPLACING" his wife with masturbation/porn

    But that is not the EXTENT to which the behavior in these posts has necessarily gone to - the MERE CONCEPT that a HUSBAND might still act solo-sexually is CONSIDERED OFFENSIVE and EMOTIONALLY UNBEARABLE?

    The marriage contract gave spouses the RIGHT to expect that their partner would refrain from sex with any other PERSON EXCEPT THEIR MARRIAGE MATE.

    IT DID NOT SIGN OVER THE RIGHTS TO EXCLUSIVE CONTROL OF THE SPOUSES GENITALIA. To suggest for example that a spouse may not masturbate because everything must BE SHARED, EXCEEDS THE TERMS OF THE CONTRACT. There was never any DOMINIATORY CONTROL conceeded to the spouse.

    I could almost guarantee you that if husbands expressed the SAME EMOTIONS over their wives use of ROMANTIC LITERATURE or a sex-toy, WE WOULD BE TOLD WE HAVE "CONTROL ISSUES" and to "GET OVER IT".

    I will AGREE that the husband would HAVE TO TREAT these concerns as LEGITIMATE FEELINGS that his wife HAS regardless of whether he conceeds to their validity.

    But it is not balanced to expect that he has to simply accept her feelings and deny his needs BECAUSE she expressed her feelings. She needs willing to EQUALLY validate his feelings and and "needs" and not just DISMISS them as "wrong".

    You people amaze me with how unilaterally dictatorial some of you want to be about forcing someone to do something YOUR way because you CAN'T ACCEPT something your spouse feels they need.

    What the hell made your feelings so damn important that you EXPRESS OWNERSHIP? Since when do you think you CAME TO OWN your man's penis?

    This comes from women in a society that would argue that a husband has NO RIGHT to block his wife's abortion because "...nobody has a right to tell a WOMAN what she CAN or CANNOT DO with HER BODY!" Yet you are going to tell a MAN that his wife has every right to TELL HIM IF and WHEN HE MAY EJACULATE???

    I won't argue the porn issue, but for those of you who think that HUSBANDS penises are OWNED/CONTROLLED by their WIVES - You need to step back from your emotional reactions and look at what the hell you are IMPOSING on another human being!

    Thank GOD my wife of 25 years and I APPRECIATE our sexual relationship as an ONGOING GIFT we voluntarily GIVE EACH OTHER - not this TWISTED sense of SELFISH ENTITLEMENT that REACTS to something WE think we DIDN'T GET as a THREAT.

    I don't OWN my wife's vagina; I consider myself PRIVILEDGED to be the regular (2-3x a week) recipient of her sexual/physical expressions of love and affection. She feels the same way when I OFFER myself to her WILLINGLY.

    I would not begrudge her a solitary pleasure if she wanted or needed it NOR DO I HAVE GENUINE CAUSE to FEEL THREATENED OR CHEATED - she has been more than generous. Likewise, she understands and "permits" me to acknowledge my OWN NEEDS as well without the desire to SELFISHLY CONTROL me because she "could" have some insecurities.

    Of course this is just pure venting.

    It is sadly unlikely that anyone will ever really LEARN anything reading these posts; they are simply LOOKING FOR SELF-VALIDATION to continue whatever they have already decided to accept.

    I feel sorry for you people. My marriage is very satisfying and sexually alive and fulfilling. Masturbation IS a part of it on both sides as solo and mutual sexual expression.

    We would never introduce infidelity (sex with someone other than our spouse) and have very strong feelings against that. Yet WE are able to see the DIFFERENCE between solo-sexuality and adultery. It's too bad that some of you can't. You are too worried about ME ME ME and your OWN level of control to be willing to see how easily this can be a NON-ISSUE if you will just let it.


  63. "Did one guy really say he gave up orgasms altogether?! What wife would make him do that?! Why doesn't she make him go get castrated?"

    I agree.

    If a woman expects a man to give up his manhood to be her husband, what kind of a "marriage" is that? Why in heaven's name would you think it was some kind of virtuous advantage to give up the most intimate personal gift you could give each other?

    I would suggest next time you consider buying a nice piece of jewelry for your wife, be sure to pay full price and throw the diamonds in the trash and just give her the empty BOX it came in!

    You can justify it from your personal experience all you want, but that is EXACTLY what you have done; ALL of the MARITAL PACKAGING without the JEWELRY at the CORE.

    *again sigh sigh*

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  65. Hi, iamhusband,
    I am happy to have found your site and would love to see more advice on masturbation in marriage. I am 38, have an at least 28-year relationship with my internal sexual imagination and was for a long time very shy and inadequate about dating. I didn't have sex (with someone else) until I was 27 and that was with a prostitute. I had a prostitute habit for a while, have looked at lots of porn, had some short-term relationships (first girlfriend at 30), one-night stands, and then unexpectedly I met the woman of my life and married her. Lo and behold, much as I found her sexy during courtship, somehow now that she is my wife forever I find it much less erotic. I love her deeply and I see that she is beautiful, but I avoid sex with her and still masturbate regularly, clinging to long-standing fantasies or memories of short-term thrills that could never have turned into fulfilling relationships. At least, that's what I did until a breakdown last week, since when I have been abstinent and have been seeing a sexual counselor. The counselor told me that there is, in a long-term relationship, a transition that happens from the "fantasy" sexual excitement when you are courting the person, to a deeper erotic intimacy that kicks in when you are in there for the long haul. Well, I haven't made that transition and there has been a break. I am so hoping I can come back from this because I love my wife madly.
    Well, that's me. If anyone has some advice, the more specific the better, it would be gratefully received!
    I'm going to call myself "LovingTheLongie"

  66. As a 55 year old male that has masterbated since I found out how good sex feels. It is part of my married life now the wife refuses. My wife has refused sex for nearly 10 years...bash men for masterbating, cheating, using prostitutes etc. Sex is a natural act, some women like it many more get so they hate it. I don't blame men for seeking sex somewhere else. Some men have fortitude some have less of it. I'm one of the unfortunates, my wife thinks sex is for young people. She started turning off the sex spigot after age 40. Now the sex faucet doesn't even drip. So I stroke alone.

  67. I have to say, the man who said that he chose (by himself) to give up orgasms during sex with his wife just baffles me.

    I am a young woman, 22 years old, and set to marry in a few months. I have sex regularly with my fiance, 3 or 4 times a week. Although I sometimes do it just to please him, I wouldn't object to doing it more often. I turn him down only when I'm feeling tender, or when it's very late at night. In those cases, he either takes care of himself, or I 'lend a hand'. I've said to him before that I'd be more willing in those cases to participate if he would approach me earlier in the evening and not when I'm half asleep, but I guess he feels the urge before he falls asleep.

    On top of our pretty regular sex, he often masturbates. At least daily, and sometimes several times a day. It doesn't really surprise me, he is a young man after all. It also doesn't bother me in the least that he takes care of himself using porn. To me, it means that I deny him less often (again, I get very tender sometimes), and to me the women in porn aren't real women. If they were friends/acquaintances of his, it'd be an entirely different story.

    For the sake of full disclosure, sometimes I worry that he fantasizes about other women while having sex with me. I don't really have any foundation for this suspicion, he often tells me that I run through his thoughts all day long.

  68. Give him a couple of years, and watch your marriage fall apart! I know first hand how corrosive porn (sneaking it) can be. I had a great marriage, lots of sex, no hang ups about sex until I was lied to constantly about porn and strip clubs. Don't think you have to allow anything .... think about your feelings too.

  69. My story is different I'm very much in love with m wife I find her attractive and sexy and we been married 21 yrs but sex to her is not important or does she feel in the mood at all for it. When we have sex sometimes it's a one way sex act, she'll just lay there till i'm done, other times we both will reach climax but it's just something she can live without. So not to bother her or get rejected I'll just masturbate to some Internet porn. She has pull the history and found stuff and asked me about it my deffence was that i didn't want to bother her or disturbed her. So her low sex drive and needless need for intimatecy makes me go that rout.

  70. This is a very intresting blog and I'll say i've read every post on here. I have a question or two for you fellas. I'm 28 my husband is 30 we were friends for years proir to our coming together. We've now been married for a year and a half and we have a very very active sex life. The fact that my husband masturbates hasnt really bothered me until recently and i believe this is due to my own insecurities ( had twins 3 mo ago) I'm not extreamly over weight or anything like that and my husband seems to desire me even more now then before. We are expirmenters no matter what it is if its a thought we act on it with that being said i confess that i've done some pretty crazy things on his account and havent complained one bit. If i know it pleases him or theres something that would drive him crazy then i make a point to do it! We both ahve very high sex drives and to be fair i'm a lover of self pleasure. Now what i dont get is why he thinks its fine for him to play solo but when it comes to me i get the wait and i'll take care of you or something along those lines. For god sakes he buys me toys to use during "OUR" sex play and if i mention playing later after the kids are down he objects to it. Wtf.. is it just me or does that not seem odd its ok for him to do it but he doesnt want me too. He often asks for pictures and vidioe to aid in his practices and i comply with no complaint. I enjoy doing things for him that he wants and to me its somewhat of a turn on taking pictures and video sending them to him while hes at work or anywhere for that matter. I'm very open about it and hes is when i say something about it. i never complain about it directly to him and i think it bothers me as much as it does cause he doesnt want me doing it at all!! what happened to the whats good for the goose... saying. Sorry if this is jibber jabber and all over the place but again i have 3 month old twins so i am back and forth but please if u can understand my ramblings please respond

  71. I am a 40 year old many married for 15 years. I used to masturbate every 1-3 days for most of my life even into marriage. My wife does not masturbate and has a low sex drive. We make love every 1 -2 weeks. Starting marriage most of my initiations to sex were rejected and I became resentful. I was a virgin when we were married, during our wedding night she didn't want to make love with me because she was tired. We both worked on our relationship through marriage counselling and this was good and we both benefitted and learned how to communicate better. However the sexual imbalance did not improve. I chose to go outside the marriage for sex a few brief encounters and not long term. Feeling guilty, I confessed this to my wife and have been attending intense personal weekly counselling and men's group for the past 2.5 years. My counsellor indicated that my masturbation was a learned way to self-medicate my pain. Through my selfish actions, I have hurt and betrayed my wife (and this is an understatement as I can never truly fathom the depths of how I hurt her). I know that many of you have low regards for people like me. I accept this. She has not left me and we are working through a multi-year amends process. I still love my wife very much. The past 2.5 years has been very painful and I have learned not to masturbate. We still make love every 1 to 2 weeks. Physiologically, this is hell for me as I start feeling a strong desire for sexual release after 3 days. Day 5 - 12 is very difficult and I find it difficult to focus, I am depressed, experience anxiety, and journal and pray to God to address my distress. Although this has been several years now, it is not easier dealing through this physilogical withdrawl from the sexual release of intercouse or masturbation. Right now I am willing to do this personal sacrifice as an action of love to my wife and in hopes that things will change.

    It is very confusing as my counsellor suggested that I consider antidepressants as a way to help manage my emotional state. So I should take a man-made pharmaceutical substance to help manage my emotions, instead f the natural God-given bio-chemicals of the sexual climax through regular intercourse and marital intimacy? Sounds very backwards to me. Also, sometimes, when I do climax (through intercouse with wife), my semen is congelled and can be slightly painful. I have heard that neglecting regular ejaculation is not good for the prostate. Am I putting my health at risk as well?

    I love my wife very much and want to make these personal sacrifices to show good-faith and rebuilt any semblence of trust. However, these past few years have been the most difficult, painful, and lifeless that I have ever known.

    Is this the way to live a fulfilled, meaningful, happy, and bountiful life?

    I will keep going with the hopes that things will get better at some time in the future..............

    1. You probably are putting your health at risk. There is a study out there in which the investigators conclude that 21 ejaculations per month reduces the risk of prostate cancer. (google "prostate cancer 21 ejaculations month.) I do not suggest any man take any allopathic anti-depressant unless you are close to suicide; many of them kill the ability to orgasm. (Prozac made me anorgasmic.) If your situation is pushing you into low serotonin, try 5-HTP or tryptophan ... one of the natural ways to support serotonin, just as you can support other neurotransmitters with other amino-acid-like substances.

      Perhaps you should carefully consider if your aversity to masturbation is, in the long term, bad for you. It is inevitable that your female mate will lose her desire (excepting perhaps Suzanne Somers :)); no reason to punish yourself over that.

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  73. I have been married for almost 32 years. My wife and I have sex 4 to 5 times a week. We both enjoy it. I also masturbate to orgasm at least once a week. She masturbates Saturday morning as I have an early golf game. She knows I masturbate and isn't bothered by it. I actually think it helps our sex life since it keeps my hormones stimulated. I feel sorry for the gentleman with the preceding comment whose wife only has sex with him a few times a month. That would be tough. The problem for me now is that as I approach 57, EDD is becoming an issue. When you make love to the same person for some 31 years, it is hard to get "excited." I love my wife and have never had sex with anyone but her. However, my early morning erections aren't as hard as they use to be.

  74. I have been with my partner for 3 years and married for 4 months. I am 27 and he is 31. Very happily married. We have sex once a day, more on weekends. My husband has a very high sex drive, he works night shift so when I get home at 5pm from work we have sex before he goes to work, he will also masturbate when he wakes up at 3.00pm and when he gets home at 5.30am (or maybe twice) depending on his mood. He likes to watch porn. I am home during the evenings by myself and I masturbate on average 3 times per night, I also watch porn. When we have more time together on weekends, we also experiment with Toys and ‘sometimes’ watch porn but very rarely together. Our time together is only him and I, if it was my husband’s way we would have sex twice daily and I wouldn’t be able to keep my clothes on during weekends.

    Are we nornmal?

  75. My husband and I have been together almost 5 years (married 8 months). While we were dating I found out that he masturbates, sometimes he'll lay next to me in bed and masturbate. He also works from home in the mornings and watches porn (5 days a week). This bothers me, and we've even talked about it, but he seems to think this is normal. What baffles me is why he still has to masturbate and watch porn so frequently despite the fact that I never refuse to have sex, in fact, I want sex more often than he does.

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  77. I've really enjoyed reading this and your series on masturbation, it's been very interesting. I have a question though, you mention masturbation with religion, and I was wondering how much religion plays into your objection to masturbation? Because I myself am not religious, but I object to masturbation in a relationship anyways and I was wondering your thoughts on why you object.

  78. To the previous commenter,

    I appreciate your comment, and I'm glad you enjoyed the series. Your statement referencing my "objection to masturbation" hit me funny because as the series explains, there are two types and I am only "against" the one type that lives in fantasy, objectifies women, and tears up marriages. I am not just outright "against" it, but I am against certain dark areas of it.

    But to answer your intended question, my religious beliefs call me to a much higher standard for marriage, women, and even for myself than is average in the world today. Women are not objects, they are partners. Sex was not designed specifically for me, but for a husband and wife to enjoy together. I believe we, as humans, are here on purpose and for a purpose. That belief is why I am so serious about this topic. And it's why I'm so serious about my marriage.

  79. I think it's annoying. I love having every kind of sex with my husband, daily and he still jerks off. I find it stupid and annoying personally...

  80. Frankly a guy needs to be with himself from time to time. I read the earlier post where the wife was annoyed that her husband masturbates to porn even though they have a great sex life. My wife and I have never discussed it, but I know that she knows I masturbate. I actually look forward to it on the days I am home alone. It's an opportunity for me to have pleasure without having to pleasure someone else. Is that selfish? My orgasms feel great with my wife, but they feel amazing when I masturbate because I take my time and "edge" a bit which I can not do with my wife. It has never affected our sex life at all. But frankly, I am tired of the guilt of it all. My wife has a certain look on her face when my semen load is lower than normal. I think of this every time I go to jack off and I don't think it's right that I should have these guilty feelings. That is why I came to this sight. To validate that as a man I have the right of self pleasure married or not as long as it does not effect the sex life of our relationship. Thanks for listening - I feel better now.

  81. I need your help!! My husband masterbates, he knows how I feel about it - I have never denied him sexually. I don't understand!
    I feel he has lied to me about lubicrant I have found. I really don't know what to do, since I'm not "with him" when he self-pleasures.
    Sad, confused and wanting to work through this!

  82. Please email me using the contact form linked at the top of the page so we can dialogue about this more.

  83. Hello:

    I am a wife and just recently caugh my husband masturbating. I really feel cheated on. I would understand if didnt give it to him, but I love sex and I am ALWAYS willing to get it on. He says he is tired sometimes and that is the easiest way to do it for a guy when he is tired, but he says he does it once a week!!! WTH! I think he might not like me, but he says I am hot! and I know I am, I am fit, I go to the gym , I have a good body, and we havent been married for so long its been 4 years.
    What bothers me is that he denies it to me, but then he does it himself, so I end up going to bed horney and he takes care of himself!! He says he loved me so much, but I dont know if I should believe him.

  84. I am not able to contact you to dialogue more about this, keeps giving me the message wrong code entered, it is as exactly as I see it!
    another way to contact you or will this be fixed?

  85. I just sent myself a message and it worked just fine, but in case it's acting up (as it has before), you can send me a message at iamhusband at gmail. I will write you back just as soon as I get a message.


    I Am Husband

  86. someone told me that if its full he has to get off otherwise he get headache it true?i dont understand why men doing it i mean its nature but its all diffent when your married my point of view ,sex is sacred should also consider womens feelings...its alwaysbout bout our feelings being cheated, whats going on ..thats why we they called it MARRIAGE its supposed to be COUPLE not bout u or her ..communication mate communication.if things doesnt work anymore ..thats what divorce for ...

  87. I wonder if things change over the years and sfter kids come. When I met my wife she was adamant about me not masturbating. Now, 14 years later, and two little kids later, she is 32 and she prefers for me to masturbate so she "does not have to work on it (penis)." Though she would never approve of porn being apart of my masturbation.

    She is in the mood 2 or 3 times a month, the rest of the time I will masturbate in bed while she reads. I would like her to participate, but she has absolutely no interest. She is just happy to have one less job to do.

  88. My husband and I have been married for 5 and a half years. I realized after about 3 years and being turned down so many times that he didn't need me because he was taking care of it before I got home. I was also very hurt and unsure of how to act. I only asked him at first to try not to turn me down so often. I soon realized he was, in my opinion, addicted or borderline addicted. We have had many fights and disagreements and talks since. He has also lied to me since before we married and is sneaky. He learns from his mistakes of letting me find out and simply hides it better the next time. I love him so much. I do feel selfish that I let it come between us and wonder if I should have just ignored it. Am I just over sensitive? If it isn't a betrayal then why would he feel the need to hide it? Hats off to the men who can do it with their women by their side. I have even asked him to do that. He would rather hide it and lie or not do it at all. So, here is my question. How do I get passed it? He says he won't do it again which wasn't what I was asked him to do. Everytime I leave him home alone I wonder. Everytime he closes the bathroom door I wonder. Recently, I overheard him telling his dad about 2 really hot chicks at work and how they were all over him. He then lied about that. It was hurtful. Why do men need to impress other men? Or ANYONE other than their wife? So now I wonder everytime he goes to work. I don't want to always have to wonder what he is up to next. Besides counseling, what can I do to get over it? I just want a husband I can trust. I don't care if he masturbates as long as I don't get my hopes up for sex and get shot down. I just want the truth. Have I caused him to feel the need to lie, I wonder? Will he ever be completely honest with me? I am so, so, so confused. Divorce seems so easy and sensible at this point...Thanks for this website. Glad to know I'm not alone and it is very infomative.

  89. I believe after much discussion with my husband that he is now probably a type a maybe if he is lying to me about it a type b. You see years ago i begged him for sex one morning only to be turned down because he was too tired. Needless to say i was ticked. I went and took my shower so i could move on with my day only to walk in my room and see that he had climaxed himself while i was in the shower to calm down!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I mean really! i don't get it. I ALWAYS want to have sex if you are going to Masturbate then you have time to be with me! I don't turn him down! EVER. Needless to say this morning turned into a huge fight and i still to this day as you can see an irritated with it. I'm not irritated because he masturbated but because i was turned down for it. i put my foot down and I'm sure was overly hateful about it but what it came down to for me was i cannot and will not live like that. I need it too much so if that's how it was going to be i would get it somewhere or from someone else. i needed him to step up to the man he was before marriage and give it up or give me free rein. it did take time (especially because what i said was so hurtful and reading it back to myself disturbing) But it did stop on his end as he realized i was always willing to "step in"

    I am a woman that masturbates well almost daily. As i type this i am so grateful for being able to do this anonymously!
    My husband knows I do it i think he even likes it most of the time. The problem for me comes when he thinks i don't NEED sex with him because i have already had an orgasm. This is NOT the case! My sex drive is obnoxious! I wish it wasn't so pressing for me but to be perfectly honest if i don't "take care of the situation" I am possibly the most horrid mean person alive. My sex drive is through the roof and his crawls helplessly on the floor :( i am oh so scared what age will bring me as men tend to loss the libido they have with age.

    i see so many comments from wives upset that their husbands masturbate and i completely understand if they are willing to have sex with their husband. But I also KNOW plenty of women that express their anger about it. But when he tries to have sex with her she is too mad at him for doing it to have sex with him. maybe this is because most for my friends are deeply religous and its SO TABOO that even talking about it is shamfull. So what is he going to do??? i am lucky to have a husband that understands unless we are having sex everyday i need compensation and is okay with that so i don't for lack of a better phrase wear him out. we still enjoy an active sex life and i am not so cranky all the time. I'm glad men are more understanding than women! i cannot imagine if i had to just grin and bear it because to be honest there is no way i could

    I'm not sure if this made ANY sense at all but i felt the need to share thank you

  90. I have a very good male friend I have known for many years. His wife was a once or twice a month for sex and that was plenty. Of course, he was taking care of things himself. One day she caught him and got so mad, she couldn't believe he would do that. She told him no more sex for him and they didn't have sex for about 6 months. He told me about the dry spell.

    Anyway, she stops giving him sex, what else does she expect him to do?

    I am married 25 years and probably mb 3 times a week every week.

  91. It's ridiculous that this is somehow seen exclusively as a male problem. Maybe the guys wife needs to have sex with him a little more.
    "But it's not just about him!"
    Well guess what, it's not just about you either, toots.
    "I don't understand why men have to have more orgasms!"
    Me neither. Gotta go, feeling the urge.

  92. I have been married now for 11 years .. our sex life still results to, on average, 3 times a week of great sex.

    On top of this, I still masturbate 1 - 2 times a day. 1st thing in the morning and most times in the evening as well, if we are not having sex. Sometimes.. if we did have sex.. id even masturbate after.

    But my masturbation is not shared with my wife. no particular reason. Lately however she has been asking if I masturbate...

    I think she masturbates from time to time but also keeps it to herself.

  93. I have not visited this blog in a while and I am the poster that shared my experience of stopping masturbating at the request of my wife before we were married and eventually stopped having orgasm altogether. I see a couple posters could not understand why I would do this or how it benefits our relationship. All I can say is that once I made this commitment and stopped having orgasms, I became even more attracted to my wife and I had even more desire for her and pleasing her. I relationship improved and our love intensified. Yes, I get excited, but controlling that excitement and denying my release makes me feel closer and more connected to her. In the beginning, we were not sure how it would work. It took a lot of work for me to develop the self control and a lot of understanding from her to support me with a balance caring and insistence.

    I would not want our marriage to be any different. For those who do not get it, perhaps you should try it, I think you will be surprised at how you feel.

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  96. My wife and I have been married for 25 years. We treat sex the same way we treat food. We enjoy preparing and eating a great meal together. But sometimes we are both hungry, but don't have time for a great meal, so we just have a quick meal together. And sometimes one of us is not hungry, so the other person just makes a sandwich.

    Imagine having a rule that we could never eat alone. Every time one of us was hungry, we would be pressuring the other person to sit down and have a meal. Why can't a person just make himself a sandwich when he's hungry? Of course, if you eat a sandwich 30 minutes before having a special meal together, you might not enjoy the meal as much.

  97. My husband prefers masturbation to REAL sex. He only wants to have sex if I "dress up" in stockings or hose. He is often "too tired" for me, but is NEVER too tired to jack off. He spends every available moment online, talking to other women and looking at porn. I went to his man cave to take him coffee one morning, and he was jacking off to porn. I'm ready to leave. There are too many other men who find me desirable without dressing up, and who actually LIKE real sex with real women. He even bought me a vibrator(which I have always hated!), for Christmas last year. I have been reduced to using it for sexual gratification but still get no EMOTIONAL gratification. He refuses to go to counseling with me since he feels he doesn't have a problem. What now?

  98. I too have an issue with my hubby masturbating.We just had a baby 4 months ago but I still look great. Was back into my size 1 jeans the minute he was out.My boobs are bigger, I feel a new sense of energy and could honestly go for sex more then once a day.When we first met.We were both busy.. then we spent a few months n his parents basement in our own rooms till we could move out. Back then I jumped him every chance I got and I was hurt but assumed he'd do it himself once in a while. We are young both 23 and only been together a yr and a half. I found out a couple months ago that he was masturbating. In the shower.In bed beside me.I have never turned him down even after sex I still could go for more at night but I don't take care of things myself.While being pregnant I got the idea he thought sex might hurt me. He barely came near me and with feeling like a whale I didn't want to initiate it all the time thinking I may be bothering him. Only to find out he was masturbating all the time. The first time he caught me off guard and just kind of mentioned it. I didn't know what to say. I was disgusted. Turned right off.If we were working different shifts or never saw eachother I could understand.. I wouldn't be ok with it but at least I could understand .I didn't end up confronting him until a couple weeks ago. I got sick of lying in bed beside him crying myself to sleep knowing my hubby wants himself more then me. Like really?I told him it was hurting me. Asked him if I should be masturbating instead of going to him. He said no. Told me he was going to change it. Got to a point where he couldn't even orgasm when he was with me 50% of the time. Well at the end of last week I was telling him about my friend and her boyfriend having the same problem. He quickly threw in that he wasn't like that guy and hadn't done it since. but has no intention of quitting completely?He has me anytime anyday he wants.I know what a few of the women on here mean when they say they wonder everytime he's in the shower. or home alone.We shouldn't have to feel like that. I want sex quite often when he's not home.I WAIT!Now I'm in a predicament.Last thursday he took an extra 7 or so mins in the shower.(That's right that's how paranoid I am now) I can't help but wonder if he's done it.but it's been two weeks since our talk it's hard to bring up.I thought he was the sweetest guy in the world.Hard to even look at him the same. Also with the pictures though he claims they weren't anything sexual. When I first asked him about them he lied. So now my perfect man has turned into a betraying liar. I have a hard time looking at him the same. I'm obsessed with this now to a point where I'm writing on an internet blog.. I don't want to ask him to stop. I want him to stop because it's the right, mature, loving, deacent thing to do especially now that he knows it bothers me. I want him to tell me he's going to stop. Promise me to put my mind to rest. I in my watching him have also caught him twice checking other women out.Is it my mind playing tricks or is he not the loving man I thought he was?? To top it off he masturbates in his sleep. He says sometimes he wakes up and realizes what he's doing. So is that supposed to make it better? When he still finishes on his own knowing full well what he's doing? Is it not bad enough I have to watch and be woken by that going on in the middle of the night.He says he'd do anything for me. If that's the case then why after finding out how bad it hurts me would he tell me it's nothing he plans on stopping permanently? MY friend has left her man because of this.I can see why.I love him to death but I can't keep going crazy watching him every second.. Not trusting him

    1. I can totally understand how you feel. I also feel like I am going crazy. I had my suspicions that my b/f was doing it earlier this year. I confronted him and he admitted it had a few times. He told me that I turned him on that much that when he would drop me off at work in the mornings, he would come back feeling horny and do it. We have sex everyday, sometimes more than once. I asked him if he was unhappy with our sex life, he said no. But I still can't get my head around why he does it still. I went away on holiday for 2 weeks and he promised he would save himself for me. To this day he swears that he didn't masturbate whilst I was away. I asked him why he could last 14 days and yet when I am here he can not wait until I am back from work. I think the thing that hurts the most is when he lies to me and tells me he hasn't done it and I know he has. Honesty is very important. If he was to tell me and explain why I could cope a little better. I am not sure if he looks at porn whilst he does it, he says not. I even posted a few photos on a porn site of myself (nothing too bad). My thoughts were, let other men pleasure themselves whilst looking at me, if he can look at other women on those sites then that is fine. I told him what I had done in anger and he was really mad with me. He said he couldn't believe I could lower myself to do such a thing. Well double standards I say!!!! And at least I was honest. I have a laptop which I decided to put a lock on, he didn't like it, said he felt I was hiding things from him. Well guess what? He also has a laptop, that has a lock on it!!! Two can play that game I say!! All I want is for him to be honest with me when I ask him if he has done it. Sex is good, but I do find it takes him awhile to come and we hardly get that perfect timing of coming together. Probably because he has been doing it himself! It's the lying I hate the most. Communication, honesty go hand in hand. Talking it through. He says it is normal and nothing to feel bad about, I agree, but if he feels like that he won't mind sharing it with me and being honest when I ask him! I am always honest with him if I have. Think I may treat myself at Ann Summers!

  99. I totally Understand the last post. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over 3 years and our sexual relationship is almost nonexistent. I have tried to discuss this on numerous occasions and he acts like I am a nympho. I am really lucky if we have sex twice a month.
    I have looked at his computer numerous times and seen porn on his history. I knew it was wrong but desperate times call for desperate measures and I was trying to figure out what was going on. I didn't mention these things for a long time because I thought it was normal even though It did upset me. But lately I have noticed a lot more happening. I have found his rags by the computer, I have noticed our lube moved around in the bathroom, and one day when I came home I could actually smell semen on him. Like the previous post it has consumed my life when he takes his morning shower I try to listen and have on more than one occasion heard him panting in the bathroom. It sounds crazy but I don't know what to say I can't help but wonder what he is doing. I do whatever he wants during sex I have even done anal sex tons of times because he likes it even though It hurts and I hate it! I have tried to talk to him about his without attacking him and I even admit to doing it to myself especially when I was pregnant. Big he is not honest with me. He finally told me he does it four times a month, which is once a week and I told him that that is more than we have sec. He tells me he is too tired from work and that is why we don't sleep together but I dont buy it. I always offer to go on top, go down on him, whatever but no matter what I do it doesn't work. My self esteem is non-existent at this point because He has no desire to be with me.I have been completely open with him even about looking through his things and I haven't done that in so long because it only hurts me. What can I do any further to save this relationship???

  100. I forgot to mention that he admitted to doing it four times a month although I know it is more than that. I'm positive it is once a day maybe even more. Also when he sleeps with me I feel like he is doing if just to shut me up. It makes me want to deny him but I am so starved for intimacy that I always give in. He thinks it is just about the act of having sex but he doesn't realize I need to feel wanted and loved and I need that closeness with him. I don't mean to be man bashing at all but I am so hurt and even though he's here I feel alone. He has recently said " I don't know if you've noticed but I have been trying to have sex with you more" that is exactly what I wanted to hear!! I am so glad I found this cite and know there are women out there who feel the way I do it really helps knowing that I'm not so crazy.

  101. I feel cheeated on , which s why I am getting a boyfriend. Women are not visual so if hes gonna jerk off all the time, than I'm getting laid. I told him how i feel and asked if he wanted an open marriage but he said no. Then we were about to break up but then he promised to be better but he lied. Not that i expected it to change. I am married to the biggest pervert, cant even go to the grocery store without him getting a boner. If he gets hurt, we're even. He shouldnt have lied and he shouldnt have marrried me when he knows he doesnt want to be with one woman. I will divorce him soon enough. Im looking for a place.

  102. My husband used to have a problem with masturbation, but since I let him know how uncomfortable it made me, he says he's stopped..though I don't really know if I believe him. He's not doing it as often, I do know that. I could always tell when he had done it. The sex was completely different. He was also very into his masturbation, it was always a fantasy thing with him. He would either read mind control stories or listen to recordings. He watched some porn, but it was mostly the other. I have always made it a point to satisfy him MORE than 3 times a week, because I always heard 3 times was average and I try to be above average. I've caught him reading the stories and watching erotic movies recently. He says he's just reading and watching and not actually masturbating, but I still have a problem and it's putting a strain on my end of the sex life. I'm finding myself not as attracted to him anymore because all he cares about is what he's into. I've even tried roll playing as the women in the stories would, and of course he loved it..but what about my fantasies? I feel like my whole sexual being is dying. I've told him what my preferences are, and he says he tries, but it doesn't seem like he's trying very hard. I did hard up research when I acted out his fantasies, and he hasn't so much as googled anything! My husband is a good husband and a good man, but I need to be satisfied too and it is very much putting a strain on our relationship. I don't know what else to do..advice?

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  105. I am so glad I found this site. I am having the same problem with my husband. We have been married almost 19 years and he always masturbated, lied about it and tried to hide it. I am the sexual one in our relationship he always seems to be too tired and says "Can it wait until tomorrow". Really? His thing is watching porn first thing in the morning before everyone gets up but I always seem to know if he has done it, call it woman's intuition. I could have sex everyday sometimes more than once but throughout our marriage he could seem to just do it once a month and all was fine. I had him tested for low testosterone but all was well so no excuse there. Back in March of this year he up and decided he was leaving me for an old girlfriend he had reconnected with on facebook but after I caught him before he had the chance to tell me he quickly changed his mind. Since then our sex life had gotten better but he still masturbates without giving it to me first. This really bothers me since this other woman thing because I feel like he thinks of her. I have told him my feelings but he still will not stop. We had sex night before last but he gets up yesterday morning and masturbates which really pissed me off cause now I am thinking he wasnt satisfied enough from the night before. I confronted him and all he ever says is all men do it and he is no different. That doesnt help me. I love him dearly and am grateful that he changed his mind about leaving me but I love sex and just want him to do it with me. If he wants to masturbate then atleast give me the option before he becomes hands on. Yes, I do feel cheated on especially when our sex life was almost null and void but he still masturbated to porn a couple times a week. I have always done what he wanted during sex, even anal, which I hate but do it because I know he loves it. Why is he turning me down? Why does he love to masturbate to porn and not try me first? I know most men will say its because they just want to satisfy themselves, well then you should just be single. Sex is one of the most important things in a marriage and if you are not communicating about it and being satisfied with the results then what's the point? Now my husband is angry with me because I have been spying too much on him(which started because of the other woman thing). He just doesnt get it. I am worried and paranoid all the time now and the masturbating for me is an all new low. I need help!

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  107. I prefer mb which allows me to have my fantasies without straying from my marriage. We jointly have sex once per week. I mb a few times per week. Alone its on my terms, no complications and I can fantasize about anything. When we are together it's entirely different and involves both partners being in the mood at the same time, worrying about what the other wants and trying to make the best of things.
    We both know but don't discuss each others mb.

  108. i just found out that my husband of a year masturbates and i am shocked. im not sure how frequently he does it because he clammed up when he saw my reaction, but based on his vague answers to my questions, i think it must be a few times a week. aside from the fact that we have moral/religious reasons compelling him not to, we have a really good sex life, where we have both acknowledged that im more often in the mood than he is and where i make sure that his needs are VERY well met (even when mine are not). he always offers how satisfied he is with our sex... and i believe him.

    i dont think this says anything about me because he tells me all the time how beautiful he things i am and how lucky he is to be with me (it was love at first sight practically for both of us, thats been enduring thankfully). we are very much in love and care very deeply for each other. yet, i feel betrayed and am wondering what this says about him. does this mean that he can't control himself? does this mean he's more inclined to cheat? does this mean he is selfish (like, come on you can't wait till my period is over?)?

    when i learned of this and told him that i would really, really appreciated if he'd try his best to not sexually gratify himself, he said "im sorry you're disappointed, and i'll try my best."

    my question is: can't men control themselves or does it vary from man to man? is it a personality thing (like the more self-centered men are more inclined to do it) or more of a biological thing (some men build up more semen that just needs to be released or else it hurts or something).

  109. i Masturbate weekly, if she dosent want sex , im allowed !! kudos :)

  110. How often we masturbate has NOTHING to do with the quality of our sex life with our spouse! God made us to need a release. The more buildup we have, the more we think about sex and the more attractive other women look to us. Not all of us are porn addicts or perverts. We releave ourselves. If your nose is stuffed up do you now blow it? How long will you go without a bowel movement? Would you say, "the longer the better?" NO! You would take a laxative for relief.

    The orgasm a man has when masturbating is totally different than when he is with his spouse. Of course, it is MUCH better with his spouse! Knocking off a little alone on the side never hurt anyone.

  111. Wow, good site.
    I have a new problem to present. I did skim this site so perhaps I missed it. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. He was masturbating regularly for 10 of them. The most recent 5 years, he had incorportated porn. He had changed towards me and our children, too. He was angry and volatile on a regualr basis. He had complained to me about unhapiness with our sex life which had been normal in my mind. I reasearched the issue and decided we should schedule sex at least twice a week. Little did I know, he was doing porn/masturbation along with our scheduled sex. I finally found out the situation when he downloaded a virus into the computer. It's been a year and a half of struggles ever since. He relapsed into the masturbating and lying about it, and after that he has not masturbated since. Here is my problem: he pressures me whenever he feels the urges(every couple of days), and I usually comply, but I feel like a tool for him to get off. The balance is gone. It's a familiar reminder of the previous 5 years of pressure and using me like a tool in additon to the porn/masturbation. We can't seem to escape the cycle. I'm the only one that can satisfy him but it's extreme pressure on me because my emotional needs are never met. I've never had a break or a chance to heal from all the hurt of suspicion and lying. Years of it. He wants me to forgive and forget but I have deep scars of distrust and resentment. Help!!!!!!

  112. I find it odd that so many people see masturbation as emotional (and physical?) infidelity. For me it's like scratching an itch.

  113. my husband and I have been married for 9 years together for 11 and he confessed four months ago that he had been visiting public toilets for 25 years 2/3 times a year and either watching men wank off and them watching him or actual mutual masturbation, I feel sick, I do not want sex with him, he still masturbates daily and looks at porn, he too got viruses on our computer cost me over £200 to put right and he thinks the masturbation and looking at porn is normal and that I shouldn't make him feel like a pervert! I have zero trust am having to pay to see a therapist about my anger and resentment (he is also seeing one for his actions which he says he is very remorseful about) he has always had a high sex drive, we used to have sex every day, watch porn film once a week and even up to confession we were having sex 2/3 times a week so I have never denied him we've always had a god sex life even when both my children were born I used to do oral sex to pleasure him but he has never met my emotional needs yet pressures me to have sex even a day after a miscarriage and yet he didn't support me at all during that, every day I ask myself why I am staying with him. He doesn't see that after his infidelity and double life the last thing I would like him to be doing is masturbating and looking at porn on a daily basis, I even saw him looking for 'cum shots' on the computer last week and I nearly puked, he has zero respect for me.

  114. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, we probably have sex once a week or once every 2 weeks. I would definitely prefer to have sex more than this. I try and initiate it but he tells me he is too tired or doesn't feel like it. However I find that he has often been watching porn and I assume he must have been masturbating to it. If he feels that he needs that release why does he not have sex with me more frequently? It is very hurtful and it is starting to make me feel down about myself, he should want to have sex with me and get turned on by me, if i'm offering it then I don't understand why he feels a need to watch strangers.

  115. Part One

    There are two real problems that I see with those posts that have found masturbation to be a negative issue in their marriage. I would like to give what I think is a healthy solution to these problems and will hopefully help those who are struggling with their spouse and masturbation.

    First I want to give some background on myself so that the advice doesn't come across as hollow. I am a 42-year old man who is proud to have a great sex drive and an amazing marriage for the last fifteen years to an awesome woman who fulfills me in every way, especially sexually. We had our fourth and last child three years ago. We are a Christian family.

    For the first twelve years of our marriage I did not masturbate a single time. I used to masturbate before marriage, which caused me a lot of guilt because it was secretive and self-serving. At the same time, the vast majority of people masturbate and I dont think this is something that we should all be condemning, especially because a lot of young people need support.

    So I abstained from masturbation for twelve years in marriage, and despite having sex with my wife about 10-12 times a month, it was never enough for me. I appreciated that she was willing to do it more than she wanted, but I felt a lot of tension when I would get horny, and hope and press for her to be available as soon as possible. I also did not do a good job of being sensitive to my wife during those time.

    Even though we communicated well in sharing sexual desires, I struggled to "hold out" many times. It was a source of great frustration and sometimes anger. So after reading the experiences of other couples who masturbate, I sat down and had a talk with my wife about including masturbation as a way to supplement our sexual relationship. She did not want to masturbate for herself, and still doesn't, but let me start masturbating as long as I always communicated and came to her first with my advances. This is our arrangement:

    If she is sincerely too tired or unwilling she will tell me to take care of it. If I wake up horny in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning--and these are times I sometimes am greatly arroused--then she doesn't want me to wake her up. She wants me to masturbate, and then let her know the next day--which I always do.

  116. Part Two

    But most of the times, my wife is willing to have great sex, and we enjoy it A LOT MORE. I am more patient looking to give her pleasure, and she will let me use my fingers to rub her to pleasure, or she will get on top more often. She has a lot more orgasms and has a much better time with me making love. I can delay my orgasm for her much better, and if not can still patiently bring her to orgasm. We still have sex 10-12 times a month, but much better quality. I masturbate 5-6 times a month, and it's amazing what these times do to better help me focus on pleasing my wife better next time, and then really enjoying the womanhood she provides through touching and sharing together.

    Other benefits have abounded. I no longer feel that desperate horniness, tension, or resentment towards my wife. Everytime I masturbate I think only of her, past sexual memories together and future encounters. I feel close to her everytime. I never think about sex with other women anymore, or wonder if others are having more sex, etc. Instead the sin of aduterous thoughts (which the Bible clearly shows to be a sin, though nothing said about masturbation)is gone in my life. I'm closer than ever to my wife because we share this. I'm kinder and more patient to the kids, and feel more confident and a better man. We both started working out at the gym and run some races. We love our bodies and sharing together.


    Our sexual life together feels much more satisfying and I would hope all couples can find honest spiritual and physical fulfillment through sex, masturbation, and whatever will build up a couple. Sex and masturbation should not be used to divide a relationship. I hope many of you out there will find ways to come together in marriage, sex, and life. Nothing is more valuable!

  117. Hi, it makes me so sad to see that there so many unhappily married people in relationships. I think that masturbation is fine as long as both the man and the woman are having deeply satisfying sex with eachother on a regular basis and each is aware that the other masturbates, or even better, they get to enjoy masturbation with eachother.

    My best friend has been married for over a decade. She is a very attractive professional, sometimes opinionated, but with a good heart. She recently confessed to me, and I was shocked because she was so independent and 'take charge', that she had sex with her husband less than 6 times a year although they professed to love eachother. She was very sad and hurt as she was always the one who initiated and although he was willing and sometimes eager, he never ever initiated. She said that is was a situation that she didn't think she could bear, but because she loved him and they had two kids, she had been willing to bear it until she found out accidentally that he had been masturbating to porn regularly for years, not every day, but several times a month. She talked to me although she was very embarrassed because she had been so hurt by this betrayal. She told me she had then talked to her husband about this situation and she had tried to make it better by making herself very available to him for easy and sexy blowjobs that would require no effort on her husband's part at all. She said that even this was kind of satisfying after years of no real physical contact but her self esteem and confidence was so low and although she was an optimistic, vibrant woman, she told me that she was becoming depressed, clingy and unable to think about anything clearly, not even about her kids who were normally her priority, as she was obsessed with her husband's porn and masturbation. Her husband told her that he would change, but it seemed that he still did not initiate - my friend complained that he also told her that he would like to satisfy her sexually but in rather vague terms, and he didn't seem to really take an active interest in reciprocating or learning how to reciprocate with either oral or manual sex.

    When I read these other comments, it reminded me of my friend and it made me sad that there were so many people who looked like they were happy and successful but were in fact so close to the edge of falling off.

    I would like to tell my best friend's husband that he must have a low emotional quotient for his inability to talk about these things with her and to give her the intimacy that should be in every marriage - ha, I sound like a counsellor, but of course, I could never say that to my friend's husband and expect to remain her friend.

  118. This is all really interesting stuff and I've been enjoying watching the mass debate (tee hee) from afar. There's certain things in these articles I very much agree with, and certain things I don't.

    I agree with the fact that masturbation can be very destructive to any relationship, not just marriage. BUT, every couple is different... every husband and wife team have different quirks, different habits and different boundaries they set for themselves (and eachother), so depending on you and your wife's relationship, it's not necessarily going to tear you apart or cause problems. The thing I agree with the most is that you should be able to discuss subjects like this with your wife. If it makes her feel like crap and it's upsetting her, you shouldn't be doing it and should probably be talking to her about what you guys can do to fix the problem. BUT, if she is genuinely ok with it and it's not something she is at all bothered by (I will speak from experience later), then I think, within reason, it's not a problem... as long as it's not interfering with or replacing your sex life and you're not doing it like a lunatic, then I think it can be perfectly healthy. At least you have discussed it with your wife and are not living in a pervy little secret world. Remember, lies and deceit are responsible for their fair share of bitter divorces.

    I think I have been all 3 types of masturbator during my marriage! But I have always been open about the fact that I masturbate, and even honest about the fact I used to watch pornography. It is definitely true that we start these habits early, and grow up thinking that it's the norm and that everybody does it. The most important thing to remember is that just because lots of people do something, doesn't make it right. I stopped using Pornography after an epiphany I had a while back. I used to think there was nothing wrong with it and it's every blokes right to watch it... but it's not right is it? It's pretty horrible really, especially when you think of all the poor women comparing themselves to pornstars and thinking that's how they're supposed to act to please their men. It's an unfair amount of pressure and yes, it can definitely cause people to detach from reality in a very unhealthy way. Also, from a purely selfish point of view, it's utterly depressing and makes you feel like a bit of a loser.

    Even though I have always been honest, I sat down with my wife recently and talked to her in a bit more detail about all of this stuff. She told me she doesn't mind whatsoever that I masturbate, as she does too... but she never liked me watching porn, for all the obvious reasons, and was glad that I finally saw the industry from a more female point of view. However she sees nothing wrong with me doing it every now again... as long as she's not in the next room! We still have fantastic sex. No, it's not as regular as it used to be, because we're not excitable teenagers any more and our lives are a little more hectic these days, but infrequency to me means nothing. As long as it is still a wonderful, tender and loving experience when you do it, that's all that should matter.

    The last thing I'll say is... the 'Starving Your Eyes' thing? I don't really agree with this. There have always been beautiful women walking the earth and just because you're now married, doesn't mean they suddenly stopped existing. Sometimes I will see people so striking, women AND men, I can't help but acknowledge their attractiveness. I'm not overcome with paralyzing lust and it's no more than a fleeting glance, but it does happen. Despite this, to me there will never be a more beautiful human being than my wife, and I know that. As long as you feel that same way about your spouse, then there is no problem. You're only human... don't beat yourself up.

    Sorry this was a bit long, didn't realise I had so much to say! Congrats on the site, it's really cool :)

  119. Dear Latest Anonymous from January 10th, 2012.

    My boyfriend's masturbation is one of his most powerful addictions that I'm trying to get him to break - that and cigarettes. It's not helpful that his masturbation, and his body when he does so, utterly disgusts me. But it's also not helpful that he abuses sex/orgasms and remains so isolated with his addictions.

    We both do a healing form of counseling and have tried working on these things in our practices, but I'm not hopeful about it. He feels repressed, and I feel disgusted.

    I guess I'll try to become more of a 'sexual' being, but only if he stops using masturbation as an addiction. I can even tell the difference when the sex is 'present' and when it's just part of the addiction. I guess I'll have to interrupt this somehow. **I'll take book recommendations**

    I do become quite lonely when I see that I'm helping him out of an addiction. If I had the gall to 'step-out' of the relationship then I would, but my life/thoughts don't revolve around orgasms and it's not fair.

    I dream of a man who doesn't abuse his ability to give himself pleasure and I dream of it all the time. To what extent does that exist? Are all men porn-addicts?

    Well, here I sit in loneliness trying to find solidarity.

    Thanks for the great blog.

  120. After reading what everyone's post, I would say as a women I don't see what the promblem is -- now. A few yrs. I was upset when I found my husband watching internet porn and jacking off. I made him get rid of all his porn item. The reality was I was upset for no reason. For one I have kids, what do you think he does while waiting for my six week check up, and for to he's known from the beginning of our relationship that I personally love playing with myself w/ or w/o. How can mb be accepting at times, but not at others? I realized I was completely tripping!

    Women, truth is men a sexual creature who are easliy aroused. I believe they get a hard on several times a day, and if you are not putting out, chances are there is another women. I would perfer my husband to on me any day w/ himself rather then another being... I know my husband loves me just as much as I love and trust him; and if he wants to pleasure himself thoughtout they bc we are away from each other -- by all means and I will see him when he comes home

  121. I guess I don't mind if my man masturbates as long as he is sharing enough intimate moments with me and we are getting enough sexual fulfillment from eachother.

    It's a problem when a man masturbates only instead of having actual fulfilling sex with his partner or prefers mb to sex because mb is easier and doesn't require you to relate on an intimate level with someone you love (other than yourself of course). But I would like to see what kind of porn he masturbates too so that I can better understand his fantasies and maybe share those with him if possible??

  122. Busy Mom Part II:
    P.S. As a Christian, it makes me sick to my stomach how he could throw our vows out the window as he mentally and quite physically cheats on me, it makes me sick to think of all the women, 100, 200, 300? He disgusts me. Especially since not even once, have I imagined myself with another man since I took my vows over 5 years ago, in fact that was the deal we both took in front of over 200 people at the altar.

    It’s sad how he’s let an honest and pure, beautiful and natural way to love your spouse be ruined by inviting the enemy into those moments.

    I praise and congratulate all the men on this blog that admit their eyes have never wandered from their wife, even while masturbating. You are a real man, a man of his word, a man of his promise, a man always willing to put his wife ahead of his own needs. You are a man that I don’t even know and you have my full respect.

  123. I just found out yesterday (through curiousity) that my husband mb's. I have asked him several times before. But he always avoided it and assured me that he was not the type. For whatever reason, I finally got the truth out of him. He's a very honest person, I don't want to make him sound like a liar. I am guessing he was embarassed by this is why he wasn't forthcoming with the truth of it. I was so shocked. I mean, I wasn't mad at him or disgusted by it. I was just very surprised to hear it. We are an extremely sexual couple. He says he is completely satisfied with only me. He said he has never even felt the need to step outside of me in our relationship. Even when opportunity was presented. I am proud of my faithful husband. Not many men would come home and tell their wife that a woman tried to bed him and he was able to come home and say, I only want you. He had a bad childhood over an ufaithful parent and his faithfulness stems strongly from it. But here is my feelings - right or wrong - I am jealous. I thought I gave him everything that he'd ever need. I thought I fully satisfied him. He never lacks to tell me how beautiful I am or how much I please him. Why did he feel the need to mb? I am glad he did that over cheating, if he was bored with me. But he swears he is not bored with me. I feel so inadequate now. I have always been upfront with him on my own sexual gratification. He knows that I do it. I tell him what caused it, what I was looking at or watchig while I did it, etc. We both know that my sexual urges are more often than his. I do it in between times or when he is not available to me. I always thought we were so open with each other. I feel so stupid for feeling jealous. He said he does it maybe once every 2-3 months. He assures me that he prefers me to mb'ing. I believe him. I'm just still wondering what it was that had his interest. If I knew, maybe I could oblige and be more like what turned him on. And another bit of info, I don't look up guys pictures or watch porn with guys to get my pleasure. I think that women are beautiful and I'm very much attracted to them. He knows this. I just feel like if I were to come in here and look up a guy's pic and do my would bother him. This was more of a venting thing for me. These posts have helped me understand mb'ing in men a lot more. I just really wanted to understand why a sexually satisfied man would still mb occasionally? I have fantisized about him doing it, but to discover he done it without me, just makes me very jealous.

    A jealous wife! :P

  124. My husband and I are Christian and he masturbates a lot. I feel cheated on, disgusted, like marriage is a farce. I really need good links to help me with. I am so lost and drowning in a marriage whose sex life I have never even enjoyed. Help!!!

  125. I started reading this post about a year ago, at that time I seriously questioned the happiness of my sex life. We had sex once a month at best and I blamed that on my wife because she usually dictated the frequency we had sex. I masturbated every day, sometimes more then once, if for any reason just to make sure that everything was still working down there. I have several successful businesses, I do most of the cooking, laundry and other duties are split mostly 50/50 and we have a housekeeper so keeping the house clean is not a big issue. My wife is a nurse and works four 13-14 hour days each week, so sex on those days is pretty much out, I work all sorts of hours and have to go to many evening functions so that takes care of lots of the other opportunities we might be able to “rise to the occasion.” So one late & I must admit lonely night I found this string. After blaming my wife for a awhile I asked myself if it might be me, I was super sensitive that my wife would never initiate and that really bothered me, so much so that I resented having sex with her. And while I was a great provider and a loyal husband I was not overly happy with my personal appearance. I lost 75 pounds decided that no matter what I was going to fix the one flaw in my marriage. I was going control the frequency of when we were going to have sex. Once I told her that we were going to have at least 3 times a week she rolled her eyes and tried to go back to our old habits, I did not let this happen and stuck with it, even if we were not in the mood to start things usually ended on a great note. We were always happier having had sex then not. As the frequency of sex has gone up, the mb’ing has gone down. We are now working on the quality of the sex, yes the “popcorn” version of a quick interaction is just not doing it anymore – so there will always be something to work on. The one thing I can say from experience is that you have to make the change, sadly your partner might not know or be able to address your needs. If your marriage is worth it –save it.

  126. I have been in a relatonship with my current husband for 5 years and we have been married for 7 months. I thought I gave him all the sexual pleasure he needed and more. However, I recently discovered he is signed up to many sex sites and I confronted him about it. He claims he never intended to cheat, yet he has no answer as to why he joined initially. I also saw that he emailed himself nude images of other women from his work email?????? I was completely hurt and now it has caused a great rift in our marriage. I am pregnant and have considered leaving him, but with a baby on the way, I have a lot to consider. I feel like he does not love me at all and would rather be with someone else. To make things worse, I caught him masturbating to a sex channel a couple of nights ago. I always told him that he could be open with me if he wanted or needed anything sexual, so if he does love me, than I dont understand why he would result to this. I just see him as a filthy pervert now and I dont know how to get past this???

  127. so sad to hear... I wish I would be able to say "oh no, it's nothing bad, you're will get over this", but I can't. That's exactly they way I would see my husband. I just do not understand why "need" to do it. My husbands masturbates every time I'm away and he is in the house by himself and it tears me up. Even our adventurous and very active sex life is not helping. I'm on a verge of leaving :(

  128. So, I just found this blog and I have taken into account many of the thing that I read on here. I want to understand why my husband of 14 years would masterbate. I am bothered that he would feel the need to masterbate when I am right there..willing.

    Here is my story...

    Several years ago we were having sex almost every night after he cam home from work (2nd shift), and if I was sleeping because he had to work late he didn't have any qualms about waking me up from a deep sleep even though I would have to be up a couple hours later. I don't believe that I ever turned him down; not consciously anyways.

    Well, I am not real sure what happened but it got to the point that we were having sex maybe once per week. When I confronted him about it he said it was because he knew that I was tired and didn't want to wake me up. I knew that was a lie and told him that right when he said it. At this point I didn't think that he was cheating on me and I didn't consider masterbation to be an issue either.

    So time goes on and now we are at the present. Last year he went on a mini vacation with a couple of his guy friends to Chicago and when he came back I happened to be looking for some of my clothes in his dresser and found a male masterbator. I wasn't happy about it and let him know that fact. I do realize that he could have cheated on me while he was there and after I cooled off about finding it I wasn't so upset. Since I found it he has it hidden somewhere, I hope that its in a place that the kids won't find it.

    Well, a few weeks ago we are in bed and I am talking with him about his porn watching and I ask him why he feels a need to look at it if it does nothing for him and if he has masterbated lately and when the last time was. I realize that this is something that is private for him and obviously he wants it to be a secret. I know that everytime he is alone in the house or when everyone is sleeping he looks at porn, whether it is a video or pictures....well anyways he told me to my questions that he doesn't know why he looks at porn and the last time for masterbation was the week prior. So...yes I know I brought this on myself...I ask him why he masterbates and this is the reason that he gave me. "Well after being together for 17 years (married 14) it's just not the same and maybe I need something different." After he told me this I was speechless. Of course it is going to be different, I have had 3 kids. That in itself is going to change a woman.

    He comes to me the other night and says "if you want some you better come on", and I said to him "since you are the one that has the problem with me, you need to be sure that you want me" and I don't feel that I was out of line. He has also said in the past that he is a very sexual person and needs sex alot and he like to look at good looking women...I have gained quite a bit of weight in the last 14 years from both kids and from being an in home daycare provider. I basically stayed in the house for 3 years because I provided childcare around the clock. So I realize that I don't look the best but I am still madly in love with my husband and I just don't think that he feels the same about me because of the weight that I have put on.

    1. This goes with the above comment...

      So, I am not out to man bash or ridicule my husband but everyone changes and changes again. I guess I am hurt that my guy is masterbating but I would be even more devastated if he was out there cheating on me. He does tell me that if I am feeling "needy" that I can take care of my business by myself because I have toys, but I never do. In my mind I feel like I am betraying him and what if I get finished and later he wants me and I am not in the mood because I already handled my business.

      Well anyways, I am not real sure what to think of all this. But something for all you guys out there, if your woman is severely hurt by something and then you try to hide it and she later catches you, it just drives the wedge that much further between you and if she would like to be a willing participant to "help" you, then why not let her join in? A least me anyways..doesn't always need to get off. Sometimes we just want a quick fix same as you guys.

  129. I'm disgusted that my husband can only respond to his own touch, but expects sex all the time. I'm at the point where I have to go dead inside to do it, or be drunk to forget. It's pathetic.

  130. My fiancé and I (we are in our early 20s) have been together nearly 3 years now and have a great relationship. He has told me all throughout our relationship that he doesn't masturbate and never has felt the need to. However, a few months ago I found porn on his computer. I am a relatively fit woman because I have played sports all my life, however he has a fetish for fitness models (with abs and perfect muscle definition) and I know that with my busy schedule (work and nursing school) I won't be able to achieve that level of fitness. It makes me feel very insecure and inadequate knowing he watches porn because ever since I was young I have wanted to be that fit but my schedule and genetics have always gotten in the way. I eat as healthy as possible as well so it's not like I'm not trying my hardest.

    He is in the Air Force and I only see him every few weeks, if that, and then it's only for a weekend typically. He has been home for the past 3 weeks on leave and we have had a very active sex life (pretty much every day). He has been telling me that he only masturbates once a month, but I felt like it was more often than he said so i approached the subject again tonight. He finally admitted that he masturbates between 1-3 times a week and very rarely it is to me. He says it is because he doesn't have pictures of me but he does. He has atleast 30 or so that I have sent him. I delved even deeper by asking how many times he masturbated while he was here on leave and he said around 5 times. When I asked why he masturbates he said it is because he is bored but he wouldn't give me any other reasoning behind it. When I asked why he masturbated that much while he was here AND we were making love every day, if not twice a day, he didnt answer me and just left it at that.

    I don't understand his reasoning and would love some clarity on the matter. Why would he need to watch porn when I am more than willing (I desire sex more than he does) to help him out? And why does he watch it so frequently? Being bored just doesn't seem seem like a good enough reason to me. Just imagining him masturbating to a woman other than me upsets me, especially when they have traits that are practically unattainable to me. I have read and understood much of what people have said on the subject, but I just can't seem to tell my brain to not care if he watches it.

    Please help me sort out my feelings and put my mind to rest on the subject because I am having no luck trying to do it myself

  131. This is very silly, women who are upset about men who masturbate and equally silly are men who try not to do it. People need to understand human sexuality. Men have a larger sex drive than women, it has been this way from the beginning of time and it will always be this way. It is natural to masturbate. It is unnatural to prevent yourself from doing so. It is also very rude of a woman to ask a man if he masturbates and ask him not to, or to wait. That's totally ridiculous. Men need to masturbate and should. Being upset about a husband masturbating is like a man being upset about a woman watching a movie with a leading man in it. Get over it, it's human biology and this is the way we were built. To treat it as it being about you is totally foolish. The ability to masturbate is to take care of a basic need just like having water and food. You wouldn't ask your husband not to have meals away from home because you are jealous that he is going to like someone else's cooking better than yours would you? Of course not, because that's foolish.

    For those 80 that claim they don't masturbate, most are lying to themselves and those that don't should consult with their family doctor why they don't have the urges. Men often wake up every morning with an erection, and if the wife isn't going to make time for sex, the man has no other choice.

    1. Its obvious you have NEVER loved anyone else more than yourself to care about their feelings... what a pity AND RUDE!!

      BTW... what a bout the women who comment their sex drive is highter than their SO? Its it their human nautre too?

  132. This was an amazing read.

    While reading this thread, I wondered what would cause this porn addiction and with it the desire to masturbate so much behind your wife's back.

    I have been married for 5 years and we dated for 3 years before that, so we have been together for 8 years. I have, like almost every other guy, a higher sex drive than my wife, and we had to find a way to deal with it. Mornings are the worst.

    I made her part of my masturbation sessions. She once said to friends when this subject came up, that a day has 24 hours and if she devotes an extra 5 minutes to my needs, it doesn't ruin her life.

    Over the last 8 years our relationship has deepened to the point where I can't reach an orgasm while masturbating if she isn't involved or I am thinking about her.

    Sure we have watched porn together, but have never once watched the whole DVD. First it becomes utterly boring listening to the same dialogue scene after scene and then most importantly, it is just a visual and there is no way it can ever substitute the warmth of your wife's body.

    But my wife always makes me feel like the hottest guy on earth. She would walk up to me when I get dressed in the morning and either grab my buttocks when I put my trousers on and rub my crotch and smile.

    The other amazing thing she started before we even married was calling me at work and pretending to be the maid or the flight attendant or the naughty little school girl. I never knew who I was going to find in my bed that night.

    Before I met her, I was in bed with a girl I today can't remember the name of, and after I reached orgasm that night and left her apartment, I knew I have had enough of empty sex.

    Now having read about all these guys masturbating to porn, I just wonder how much "empty sex" could a man endure before you have had enough? Because masturbation and fantasies about the women in porn is such a one-sided act, that one can only describe this as being done by very selfish men. How would these guys respond if they were face to face with a porno star?

    Surely if average sex doesn't excite you and you need a kink or two, like some cuffs, wouldn't it be lot more fulfilling to cuff your wife?

    Some guy on here mentioned that we look at other women when our own wives are not around, or even when they are with us. Man whore that I was, have now gotten to a stage that I might see a good looker, but there is no desire to go near another woman because my wife takes such good care of her own appearance and body. That might sound very shallow to women on here with a weight problem or spinning the old story that beauty comes from within, but sadly it doesn't work that way.

    8 years later my wife is still the girl I wanted to marry above all the other girls that have crossed my path, simply because she takes good care of herself. In return I need to make sure I stay in shape because life isn't a one way street and I can't expect her to go to bed with a pot bellied husband reeking of beer.

    1. But the most important issue of all was the fact that we had a deep discussion before she fell pregnant with our eldest. We jointly decided that we weren't just going to end up as parents, and make the kids the be all and end all of our existence.

      So we have this rule that kids are in bed at 8 at night and we don't discuss anything about kids after 8. That is the time we would either discuss my work issues or things that only she and I share. Kids are forgotten unless they are sick. Saturdays and Sundays are devoted to kids, but only until 8 at night.

      I have read a lot of bitterness on here from women feeling cheated because their husbands masturbate. Every coin has two sides to it and if the wife doesn't make herself part of his masturbation, then she needs to start asking herself some questions. No guy that decides to get married has the intention of closing himself up in a porno fantasy world, masturbating away and out the sight of his wife, if she hasn't dome some psychological damage at some point in time.

      Do you treat him like the King or do you want to be the Queen of the castle? Have you looked into his eyes lately and told him how much he turns you on or are you waiting for him to rave about the 40 pounds you have accumulated since the wedding day?

      Do you make him feel like a man or must he go hide at a computer sneaking around on Internet to find an acceptable place where he can be a man?

      We need to be men and if you wives don't allow us that basic function, then no amount of porn or counselling will save the situation. Marriage becomes a hell then.

  133. Fascinating read...

    I did my own poll, asking 48 men to tell me their thoughts on pornography. Here's what they said:

    Keep up the great work! Your blog is basically my calling in life!


  134. OK, can you men please explain why your selfish pleasure of porn and jacking off are more important than your SO emotions, security and trust? Controlling your "self-love" is no different than any other guilty pleasures mankind chooses not to indulge(i.e. smoking, drinking, cheating) because they are damaging to either themselves or your relationship. Are men really that selfish????

    I recently discovered my BF was jacking off to porn, I have a feeling everytime he is alone in the house he gives into his urges - WHAT A PERVERT!! A vibrator would do just as good without worrying about him getting off (as you men has stated about having to take the time to satisfy a woman)

    If your woman is not worth waiting for (and I am ALWAYS willing and wanting sex) then it says how weak a man truely is and I deserve BETTER THAN THAT!!

    I have read the comments from the women saying they still love their husbands so they choose to be neglected and emotionally abused by their self-centered, lying perverted SO's?? My words to all you wives and girlfriends..... YOUR man is a dime a dozen (statistically), and ask yourself, Are you not worth the extra effort?? If your answer is yes then repeat after me... NEXT!!!!!!!!!!! I will not stop until I find what works for BOTH of us, not just him!

  135. Hello,

    I am 48 and married. I jerk off daily and fantasy of other women, but does not mean that I would be unfaithful. It is something that I plan and think about during the day at work and then come home and play away. I think that is normal and also believe that more women masturbate then they admitt to.

    1. Jerking off while fantasizing about other women IS being emtionally unfaithfull...

    2. Your so right about it been unfaithful emotionally, but is it not the same for a wife when she does not tend to her only husbands need sexually. I mean I only have one sexual partner for life and when there is no reason physically for her to say no, u still do. I guess that not cheating. If there is a reason that stops this from happening beside your head, back, small pinky toe on your left foot, hen should it not be your responsiblity to be our sexual partners??????

  136. What about if your husband masturbates when he initially said he considered it offensive to your partner when he found out I did it? I also told him it was natural but I would stop if it bothered him, I haven't masturbated since and it's been almost three years.

    1. He is a fool and you one if you think he is not doing it. Dont let someone else steal your joy. For three years, you have been happy without it then great. If not masturbate in font of him and tell him it makes you happy. Whats wrong with us in America. We are such buttheads

  137. What a shame men are not as attentive to their SO's needs and/or feelings as women. If we had the same selfish attitude about sex their would be no procreation!!


  139. I came across this website while looking for some articles for my hubby to read about masturbation and fertility. As I'm sure he masturbates in the mornings in the shower, and I wanted to show him that it was effecting our fertility and sex life.

    I find that often I am the one who is more often in the mood and he is not. Or he simply doesn't pick up my signals... Or something.

    But I do find that if he could refrain fe beating off in the morning before work, he would be more likely to come home and share some intamite moments with me.

    In that way I do feel he is being selfish and a bit insensitive (as with every month that passes that I don't fall pregnant makes me wonder if we will ever have kids, or if I am even capable of doing so) and I'm wondering if I would feel less terrible, and have a better chance at conception if he would simply masturbate less.

    Do not get me wrong, I really don't mind that he does, or that he watches pornography. It is simply that I am left wanting more, and he keeps his desire from me.

    I do try to talk about it, it's always "oh I'll try harder" and it gets better for a few days... Then it's just back to how it was and I feel like we need to talk again.

    I'm at a loss, and I have sent him a link to this site, hopefully he can see where I'm coming from and see that other people go through this as well.

    1. men are self centered, lying perverts PERIOD!!!!!!!!

  140. As a man I have always been interested in this, well odd, subject, and even though this blog is several years old...
    Men have higher sex drives than women. Gay men, in committed relationships, have a more active sex life than their lesbian counterparts. So if a man feels the urge more often than his wife and she, who WILL NOT submit to him at his will (not to imply that she ever should), what should a man do? Hold in his urge and become a sex crazed maniac that will cheat at a moments notice? (Catholic priests ring a bell?). Or would it be better for us to release ourselves in advance and rid ourselves of the urge?

    I would argue for the latter. I have always wanted to put a woman in a mans body and let her feel the burning fire that is the male sex drive. just for a few days...

    1. If you read the feedback from woman you have noticed their complaints vary from being turned down by their SO's when they initiate sex, to men masterbating while their wife/girlfriend lay next to them. Maybe man should be put into a womans body "just for a few days" to know what it feels like to be emotionally disconnected, unwanted sexually, feeling unattractive and competing with his penis because of his "burning fire"

    2. I just had a conversation with my husband about masturbation. I've kinda always suspected that he was doing it since there were weeks he never asked for sex with me. I have to mention that we've been through a really tough time financiAlly so there has been a lot of tension in the air between us. Man was I surprised about his response. At first he of course denied it accusing me of being paranoid but then I mentioned one particular situation when I knew what he was doing in the bathroom ( showering for 45 min !) . The moment he got out I tired to initiate sex knowing him well enough to be sure nothing will happen cause he just can't do the same task twice. He was shocked that I noticed ( I know him well enough after 22 years of being married ) he stuttered mumbling some ridiculous explanations then he finally admitted mb . Was I mad? Yes just for lying cause my first rule is say the worse truth rather than the best lie. My feelings ......hmmm relieved but disappointed that he chose self pleasuring over me ( always willing to play i) I honestly can't tell how I feel about the subject I just don't understand men's nature. I would never act on the moment of urge ( as my husband put it) I would much rather do it with him. I'm still I a stage of shock I guess to be able describe how I feel

  141. If men think masterbating is just a part of being a man and think women are over reacting then why in the hell are they hiding or wait till they are alone to masterbate? Why dont they do it in front of us? Thanks for being open and honest in your relationship! Dont they think we have the right to know their sexuality?? COWARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Since finding out that my boyfriend does it ALL the time I have lost respect for him cause he has no respect for my feelings. If it affects me then it affects us therefor my whole attitude about "us" has changed and I no longer care what, where or who he is with. Thank you my wonderfull boyfriend, I love you but no longer like you without rose colored glasses!

    1. who the heck are you women. In the early 70,s late 60's, we found out that most men masturbate.We found out that men think about sex much more often than women. If that the case and it is, where were you when these men were 13,14, 15 or sixteen and needed you then. Oh I'm sorry, you were not there to take care of his needs. Let me did he say then, Oh let me cheat on my future girlfrien by knocking one out before I meet her 7 years from now. I don't think so. It is just amazing how humans are so flaud and yet so self centered. No man in the world masturbates to cheat on the women he loves. Men masturbate because it FEELS GOOD. No to hurt you or your sister, or you mom. We love you, but let be honest are you really going to want to have sex with us everytime we think about. Come on girls. I here you. Is it OK for you to tell us H NO. Yes because sometime we can take care of ourself. Now if you want to schedule some good lovin M, Tues, Fri and Saturday nights. for the rest of you married or regular relaionship then that great and we will plan accordingly. But u don't So if we ask your permission to indulge our needs while lying about think of you, is it ok.

  142. Im sure Im not alone when I say I have NEVER turned him down, and we are talking about 1,2, up to 3 times a day. On the otherhand if Im not home, he cant even wait 3 or 4 hrs to have sex with me, instead he masterbates. I can tell when hes done it cause he acts weird, so naturally I initiate sex and LOW 'N BEHOLD guess who gets turned down?!?!?!! And that my friend does NOT FEEL GOOD!

    And as far as your comment about boys (not men) 13, 14 15... would you like them poking your 13, 14 or 15 year old daughter??? Again, they are boys, not men and have no idea how to please a girl much less "make love", they are only knowledgable with the term "quickie"

  143. Shopping makes me FEEL GOOD but we would be in bankruptcy if I kept doing because again... IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD! Right ladies?!?