Talking To Your Wife About Sex

For some reason, talking about sex is a very sensitive subject between couples. You'd think that since we have no problem actually doing it that talking about it just couldn't possibly be a problem, but it is. We tend to keep our distance from quality conversations about sex and just focus on making jokes about it (much like the topic I wrote about here). Just like every other aspect of marriage, however, only open communication can lead to positive change.

Last week I read an article on MarriageActually.com called "Pillow Talk: Sexual Communication In Marriage" (linke here). It was a very helpful article on how to talk to your spouse about your sexual relationship, and it got me thinking about how open my wife and I are in our marriage about the subject of sex.

In the article the author mentions seven questions for each spouse to ask and answer about their sex lives. Questions like, What would show you that I'm interested in your sexual needs? and What do you need me to do more often? are pretty blunt, and definitely not the kind of conversation you can just throw in after the "How was your day at work?" question. In my experience in this area I've learned two things. The first I read somewhere a long time ago, and the second I've observed myself.

First, NEVER talk about the quality of your sex life right after you've made love. Doing this only leads to defensiveness, disappointment, and distance between you and your wife. It is so important to talk about your sex life with each other, but it is so important that you do it far removed from the act of love itself.

Second, no matter how awkward or out-of-place bringing it up may seem, take time to talk about your sex life with your spouse. I've had to do this several times in my marriage, and it has been difficult to take that first breath and let her know that I wanted to talk to her about sex, but it has always been worth it. I tell my wife that I want to continue to learn her better, and so open conversations about sex allow us to make that happen. Maybe actually schedule a "check-up" time would be helpful for you; something like "Can we do a verbal check-up on our sex life every three months?" would be a helpful agreement.

Remember, communication is both information and presentation. If you don't present the information correctly, it will not be communicated correctly. Though this is true in every aspect of communication, it especially is helpful in regard to improving the physical intimacy in marriage.

I would love to hear about how open you and your wife are in the area of sex, and anything you've learned about discussing such an important topic with your spouse.