October 18, 2008

Let Her Help You

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about the importance of frequently asking your wife if she needs any help. Today I want to talk about the importance of asking her to help you, whether you need it or not.

Women are, by nature, helpful. They want to help in whatever situation they're in. That's why when you go over to a friend's house for a dinner party, the wives usually head straight for the kitchen to see if there's "anything I can do to help?" The guys? Usually not so much.

Women are "completers." They generally thrive off of helping finish a project. Women find acceptance and feel loved when they are needed. When they run to the kitchen to help like they do, they're bonding through service. This is an importance concept for husbands to understand because one of the easiest ways to grow intimacy in your marriage is to let her help you.

Most times we men are perfectly able to accomplish what we're trying to do. We don't need her to go the hardware store with us, and we don't really need her to hold the flashlight when we're trying to do something under the hood. Having her help navigate on a trip is often more of point of tension than it is helpful, and having her sit nearby when we've completely butchered putting together the new shelves doesn't feel great, but it's important.

What I'm saying is that your wife wants to be a part of your journey. She loves knowing that you want her nearby. When we deny our wives the opportunity to be a part of our adventures, we're choosing to keep her heart disconnected from ours. Show her that you know she wants to be needed by you. She wants to help because she needs to feel accepted by you.

Your wife needs to be needed.
She wants to help. If she's not sure how to help, take a few minutes to show her what to do. Invite her to go wherever you're going. Ask her to come to the garage for a minute to hold the flashlight. Have her proofread something you've written. Ask her to pick out a shirt she'd like to see you wear at your friend's wedding. Say please, and then don't forget to say thank you, but just make sure to let her help you!


  1. Very true. Something I had to learn as I don't like asking for help much. Something I always have to remind myself of. When we were first married I was amazed at her quick response help, something I wasn't used to from other people.

  2. I think this is even more important with children. It's not that you need the help in order to get the job done, it is that they need to learn to help in order to become who they are supposed to be. And vice versa.