Whether or not you see masturbation in marriage as okay or not, the fact is that many husbands are doing it, and many are doing it pretty often (as is becoming clear here on this site in the poll in the sidebar). I don’t think any of us would disagree that sex on your own is not the way it’s supposed to work, but because we’ve been doing it for most of our lives it’s not an easy habit to break. As we discussed in part three, when we ejaculate we train our brains to associate those amazing feelings with what we are seeing and experiencing at the moment, and because we got stuck on that before marriage, our wives don’t become a replacement for the self service method, they just become an addition.
Today I want to talk about some practical ways to help retrain our brains to desire and receive sexual satisfaction strictly from our wives. These are not cure-all methods, but these are exercises that greatly helped me as I began to transition from “Me Sex” to “We Sex,” as Dr. Doug Weiss puts it.
This may seem obvious, but the first step in conquering these misguided desires is to quit satisfying those desires. You cannot retrain your brain for your wife if you keep reinforcing the old habit with yourself.
This may be the last thing you want to do, but this is probably the most important. She needs to know all of you – she deserves to know all of you. As I mentioned in part four, talking with my wife allowed her to know the struggles I was having and the desires to masturbate that I was experiencing. And because my wife was not okay with me pleasing myself, she chose to be more aware and giving with her time when it came to fulfilling my sexual desires.
A quickie after the lights go out and before you both fall asleep is fine occasionally, but retraining your brain to receive pleasure from her is going to take a little more effort than that.
To take advantage of the chemical overload happening in your brain during orgasm, you have got to let your eyes lock onto your wife. Remember that your eyes tell your brain where the sexual gratification is coming from. In order to retrain your brain to desire your wife sexually – and not the naked models in a magazine – you must look at her before and during ejaculation. Don’t close your eyes or bury your head in the pillow – look at her. Alternate between locking eyes with her and gazing at her body during climax.
Note: This is the best way to make your heavier-set wife look like the hottest woman you’ve ever seen. When you are receiving sexual gratification while looking at her, you teach your brain to associate great sex with your wife, no matter how she compares to an airbrushed super model. This principle is also very closely tied to the next.
No matter how “natural” you may think it is to “admire” other women, this bad habit has a very negative affect on your sex life. Your body was designed to be visually stimulated, but that does not mean you are designed to stimulate yourself over every visual image. The strong desire you have to look at women is meant to make your marriage awesome because you take all those desires and pour them into one woman. If you keep your eyes off the Victoria’s Secret magazine, the Swimsuit Edition, underwear commercials, etc., and you keep your eyes on your wife during lovemaking, you will train your brain to want gratification through sex with your wife, and nothing more.
Also, it is this point that can seriously help you in your quest to stop masturbating. Our bodies naturally desire sexual release every 2-3 days, but if we are stimulating our minds with sexual images all the time, the desire for release is going to be much more often. The more we see, the more we want. If you are trying to get your masturbation habit under control, stop allowing your eyes to take in extra-marital sexual images.
Read more about the concept of starving your eyes for your wife here.
These are the main methods that have helped me curb my masturbation appetite. It’s not easy to break this habit, but it is possible. Yes, there are still times when I occasionally crave the convenience of masturbation, but the constant desire that I once had is gone. I no longer instantly crave to please myself as soon as the house is empty because I have taught my brain to crave my wife. And when I do feel overwhelmed by my sexual desires, I feel at peace knowing I can go to my wife and tell her that I would love to make love with her that night. By being honest with my wife and choosing her over myself, I have given her all of me. And she deserves all of me.
I really enjoyed this last week, and I hope it helps husbands out there who are struggling with this. We don’t talk about this enough, but we need to. I would appreciate any feedback in the comments below, and I also want to remind you to take the one-question survey at the top-right side of this page.
previous articles in the series on masturbation in marriage: