This is Part 3 in our discussion on masturbation in the marriage relationship. Don’t forget to check out Part I and Part II.
When a man ejaculates, he receives the greatest natural chemical high that he can possibly experience. Endorphins and enkephalins are pumped through your system straight to the preopticneuron part of the brain, and nothing in the world compares to this experience.
It should go without saying, then, that what we look at before and during ejaculation has a very profound affect on our sexual conditioning. When we release, our brains associate that particular object with sexual gratification. This has amazing implications when you experience sexual release in the embrace of your wife, however many of us come into marriage with our minds already locked onto something else (porn, fantasies, situational conditions) and so the transition to married life is hindered by the things we connected to before our wives.
I mentioned in Part II of this series that the most unhealthy type of masturbation is what author Doug Weiss classifies as “Type C” masturbation; that is, those who masturbate completely disconnected from reality. This an object-focused experience, men in this category objectivify anyone in their fantasies to do anything (picturing the nude model giving oral sex, for example). Many people today claim masturbation within marriage should not only be tolerated, but embraced; that a wife stumbling in on her husband masturbating with a Playboy magazine is a completely normal thing. When it comes to this disconnected, Type C masturbator, however, I could not disagree more.
Dr. Doug Weiss, author of the book Sex, Men, and God has this to say about the disconnected masturbator: “...if a man engages in an object-type of self sex and develops a neuropathic chemical reinforcement in his brain, it will affirm to him that object-type sex is chemically awesome. The desire to repeat this disconnected sex increases with the frequently in which he participates in this behavior.” It’s no wonder that since many of us have been masturbating to these images for 10-15 years before marriage why breaking the habit seems so impossible — you’ve already told your brain what good sex is. No matter how great sex with your wife is, you brain still craves for what it has already defined as “great sex.”
It is because of this fact that I say Type C masturbation can be the most threatening to a marriage. It is because of this fact that husbands sometimes begin to prefer sex with themselves than sex with their wives. I have even heard of men who can’t make love with their wives without a porn magazine lying open on the bed because they can’t get turned on without it!
Weiss continues: “Not only is this man disconnected during his sexual acts with himself, he is also reinforcing some pretty powerful yet unrealistic belief systems about sex.” Some of those beliefs he lists are: “Sex is only with beautiful women,” “Sex is all about me and what I want,” “There is no good reason not to have sex,” and “Women want to be degraded and talk dirty.” And because we often develop these attitudes before marriage, we are under the false assumption that we deserve sexual gratification anywhere, at any time, and if our wives can’t help us out, we’ll do it ourselves.
These expectations are not only completely false, but they set your wife on a pedestal that she is not able to stand on. Men often complain that their wives never want to try any new things sexually, but we don’t stop to think that many of the ideas we have come from places we should have never been. When we ejaculate watching porn with two girls going at it, that’s what our brain tells us is good sex. When we ejaculate to that Penthouse we have hiding in the bedroom, our brains tell us that looking at an airbrushed woman is what defines good sex. When we masturbate with images of a celebrity giving us oral sex on a beach in Tahiti, there’s no wonder sex with our heavy-set wives in our tiny one bedroom apartment just doesn’t stack up.
Type C, disconnected masturbation should not take place in the marriage relationship because it attaches your brain to situations that are not real, and in so doing, weakens the power of sex between a husband and wife. Masturbation to pornography and fantasies dilutes the power of sex between a husband and a wife, and if that’s baggage you brought with you into marriage, you have cheated your wife from receiving all of you. And you are cheating yourself from receiving all of her.
Remember, what you look at (or fantasize over) during ejaculation is what your brain “glues” you to for sexual fulfillment. That information is power, so use it wisely. When you starve your eyes for sexual fulfilment with your wife, you will lean to seek fulfilment from her, and only from her.
Hope you guys are enjoying this. If you do happen to think these articles are worthy, I would appreciate a few StumbleUpon recommendations. I really feel like this is such an important topic for husbands to discuss.
On Thursday we’ll talk about the Type B masturbator, and about how involved our wives should be in this area of our lives. Hope to see you then!
Related Reading: Masturbation In Marriage Part I and Part II