August 30, 2008

Masturbation In Marriage: Part I

I not sure why we all thought that the desire to masturbate would stop after we got married.

Before marriage, there was hardly any wait time required; you had the desire, and you fulfilled it. After marriage, however, desire for sexual release often comes hours or days before you and your wife can come together. Before marriage, you could be sitting around the house, start feeling it, and take care of the need right away. After marriage, you know you and your wife just made love the night before and there’s no way she’s going to feel like it tonight when she gets home from a long day of work. This all-too-familiar conflict of interest was a little stressful early on in my marriage, but it was something we were able to work through by both sacrificing something for the other.

Over the next several days, I want to talk about the subject of masturbation, particularly paying attention to how we approach this personal topic in our mutual marriages. Much of the information presented will be coming from an excellent book, Sex, Men, and Godby Doug Weiss (also available in Spanish). I can’t recommend this book enough, and will be doing a specific recommendation for it after we finish this series.

I am very much looking forward to the discussions that will happen in the comments section, but do ask that we keep it respectful and clean (check your vulgarities at the door). I also know there are a lot of women who read this site, and so I ask that they be respectful and helpful in the comments that they make. Thanks so much for everyone’s cooperation. I’m really looking forward to this next week.

It’s time we talked about this. For real.

Up Next: Part II

48 comments:

  1. Hey good for you tackling the tough topics! I'm looking forward to the rest of it.

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  2. I was a frequent "self-helper" prior to getting married, and now that I am married I am just an occasional "self-helper".

    Now 3 years into marriage I want to kick the habit all together. Will you be covering any techniques on how to quit?

    Love you blog and I can't wait to read more.

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  3. I find I usually need to save my libido for my wife. We're atypical in that she needs sex more than I do.

    I got a vasectomy this year. Sometime in May I had to produce a specimen to verify that the procedure had been effective, and I realized I hadn't masturbated since January. Hmm.

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  4. I honestly don't understand the issue. If you're in the mood and your partner is unavailable for one reason or another, then why shouldn't/wouldn't you masturbate? It's not like you're cheating on them. You're not taking anything away from the relationship.

    On the other hand, I do think people should do their best to accommodate their partners even if they're not really in the mood. Very few things are more important in life than making your partner happy.

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  5. Anonymous, Yes I will be talking about ways to help eliminate the habit in our marriages later this week.

    Jordan, I cover why I think it can be an issue in Part III extensively. Definitely check that out on Tuesday.

    Thanks to you all for your comments. This is good stuff, and it NEEDS to be talked about! I appreciate the honesty.

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  6. I am not married and am abstaining from sex (with someone other than myself, that is) until marriage. No prospects at the moment. Could you expand this to involve single guys and how they should deal with the masturbation issue pre-marriage. Waiting to confront it until being married is too late. Thanks!

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  7. You know, I believe in saving my libido for my wife, and I do try. The problem is that she doesn't want it. It's been well over a year since we made love and the more I try to ensure her happiness, the farther away intimacy seems to get. Sometimes I just give in just so I can get a decent night's sleep, know what I mean?

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  8. I just want to know if is normal for guys who are in a stable, long term and sexually satisfing relationship to masturbate even when their partner is in the same room sleeping (or pretending to be, since this activity woke me up!) I couldn´t help but feel like he doesn´t find me all that grate anymore. Am I crazy?

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  9. My husband masturbates even though I have begged him to have sex with me instead. I wouldn't care at all if he masturbated as long as we had sex at least once a week too. I know he's not having an affair and there is nothing wrong with me, so I just feel sad and frustrated and at a loss of what to do. This has been going on for at least 5 years. I am fed up.

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  10. To the last anonymous comment,

    Please, please, please have your husband read this series. If nothing else, it will let you guys have some good discussion on this important topic.

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  11. Me too. I am so sad and depressed. My husband prefers masturbation to sex with me even though I am willing and open minded. I do not know what to do. Any suggestions?

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  12. Same November 30 post ....TALKING does NOT help. I notice the second post says 'have your husband read this post for discussion'. But at least in my case, this does not help. No matter how I try to open a postive discussion, he immediately becomes defensive and aloof. And we are both so open minded about sex. AND he KNOWS that I dont care if he continues as long as we have some intimacy in ADDITION to his masturbation!!! But nothing ever changes. And I feel lonely and abandoned and rejected. My overtures are rejected. It seems hopeless.

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  13. I was the one who wrote on the 20th Nov. My husband too, reacts very defensively if I want to talk about it; says he is sick of talking and that it only makes it worse! I feel hopeless and desperate to think that this is the way I am going to spend the rest of my life and I am only 38. I, too, feel rejected and undesirable even though I know I am an attractive and intelligent woman. Lately, though, what seems to be happening due to our complete lack of intimacy is that I have closed myself off emotionally from him and on the rare occasion that we have sex, I am unable to orgasm, a problem I never experienced ever before. And so the problem continues to get worse. We have even been to counselling to discuss the intimacy problem, he said he would try but nothing has changed. Please help!

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  14. Hey..am driven into all this again..As a teenager I would once in a while engage in masturbation to relieve myself off..But soon I got into marriage..this habit went off and didnt imagine I could come to it again..In the last 2 years, we have moved abroad, me, my wife and our little 4 year old daughter and our sex life became so bad..my wife sulks at me most of the days..and shes blaiming whatever little things haapen to her life on me..for reasons I cant understand...she has sex with me whenever only she wants..claims shes tired, sick or am stinking or am coming to bed too late after my studies which i can only do too late coz shes working all day and refused to downsize her hours to be with our daughter fo rmy studies sake..recently I started masturbating as I only find it as a way of relieving myself..I have never told her this since I do it secretly or in my office at night..Please..help..should I tell her again coz I have told her many times of my stress? think this marriage is ended to disaster..what can I do to save it if it can be saves?

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  15. To the wives posting on November 20 and 30, you are not alone. I, too, discuss this often with my husband, and have vocalized many times that I am unhappy with his masturbation (and the related accompanying activities) and even that I feel rejected and sad about it. So often so that I'm now starting to get angry about it, as I feel so much that my needs/wants don't matter. I, too, am an educated, intelligent and reasonably attractive. I, too, communicate that I am interested in having sex with my husband and would always much prefer him attempting to have sex with me (which at this point would probably always result in success and not rejection) than to decide to masturbate. So far, to not much avail. I, too, am beginning to close off emotionally from my husband because this topic is too big an issue to ignore or gloss over or hope will go away, and because I do not feel cherished or like my intimacy with him is misplaced.

    I have yet to read iamhusband's entire masturbation series but hope that something comes of reading it. I think my hope is well-placed, as my husband is the one who sent me this link, in the midst of our current Argument about masturbation/porn. I'm crossing my fingers.

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  16. Is it possible that some married men are not coming to terms with their own sexual preferences-they get more turned on by a penis than a woman, even if it is their own? Why else would a man continuously choose himself over his attractive/willing wife?

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  17. My wife has caught me several times masturbating to porn, when we have sex it is good ,i do it occassionally to relieve myself she just left me, she said i was cheating on her because i masturbated to porn ,i love her so much and did not think i would lose her because of this, i didnt think it was that bad but in her eyes i guess it was, i wish i saw it through her eyes

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  18. I masterbate becaue my wife doesnt want to be open minded and try some fantasies of mine like swinging or seeing her get it from me and two other guys in a 3 on 1. So thats why I masterbate so I can think about it and get off the way I want to.

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  19. Hi, iamhusband,
    I am happy to have found your site and would love to see more advice on masturbation in marriage. I am 38, have an at least 28-year relationship with my internal sexual imagination and was for a long time very shy and inadequate about dating. I didn't have sex (with someone else) until I was 27 and that was with a prostitute. I had a prostitute habit for a while, have looked at lots of porn, had some short-term relationships (first girlfriend at 30), one-night stands, and then unexpectedly I met the woman of my life and married her. Lo and behold, much as I found her sexy during courtship, somehow now that she is my wife forever I find it much less erotic. I love her deeply and I see that she is beautiful, but I avoid sex with her and still masturbate regularly, clinging to long-standing fantasies or memories of short-term thrills that could never have turned into fulfilling relationships. At least, that's what I did until a breakdown last week, since when I have been abstinent and have been seeing a sexual counselor. The counselor told me that there is, in a long-term relationship, a transition that happens from the "fantasy" sexual excitement when you are courting the person, to a deeper erotic intimacy that kicks in when you are in there for the long haul. Well, I haven't made that transition and there has been a break. I am so hoping I can come back from this because I love my wife madly.
    Well, that's me. If anyone has some advice, the more specific the better, it would be gratefully received!
    I'm going to call myself "LovingTheLongie"

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  20. to the Nov 25, 09 poster - I was once actually like you in many ways, though I'm a non-gay woman, but have been searching for something different for many years now. I don't know how you don't tire of the baggage and crud that comes from either not choosing between polygomy and monogomy, or if not that extreme, at the least you don't let go COMPLETELY emotionally and physically with a woman. Here's advice I tell my hubby that he never listens to -- Stop enjoying other women so much that you ignore your wife, including in SEX! How about THAT as something NEW, exciting, and different for you??! The most exciting sex I ever can think of is a deep, passionate relationship in which we both deeply care about each other, and let go of all inhibitions, just get kinky, loving, caring, and H-O-T, physically and emotionally total freaking blissful love and lust. REALISTICALLY, YOU CAN'T REACH THIS ULTIMATE CLIMAXING W/ FAKE-Y RELATIONSHIPS LIKE HOOKERS, ONE NIGHT STANDS, AND (ugh this next one sounds old-fogey to me lol) MISTRESSES. There is a real ape side to our natures that would LOVE a full-blown passion with a long-term mate, but that's not hollywood, trendy, and news-worthy convo, now is it? Instead, we must all focus only on the part that wants to hump all in our sight, forgetting about other human traits that are also very real. DUH. Many ppl are moronic sheep. I've had about every kind of sex possible (call me whatever you wish). I would LOVE to finally find something different than the distrust, inhibition, poor-esteem, and, frankly, the BOREDOM that many guys and women offer to other GROWN adults that are attractive, fiery, passionate, and too old to have this same old boring crap-of-a-lacking-fun-in-a-real-way relationship. Why prefer the hand or the same old filandering to a very offering, willing, highly erotic in a REAL WAY partner?!! DUMB!
    8 yrs of this crud, and I am bitter and sexually SAD! :(

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  21. Hi! My husband did not have sex (intercourse but did do oral sex) before we married and he himself admitted that he watched and read a LOT of porn and masturbated a LOT. I have been married to him for 35yrs. although I divorced him for 2 of those years and we remarried. I am sad that I did. When we first got married we had an awesome sex life. We loved (and still do) each other so very much and having sex was so wonderful...there were no limits..I would do anything for him and he for me. Then after our girl was born (at 2 months of age) I discovered that my husband was picking up prostitues and exposing himself and calling massage palors and masturbating while talking to these women. He also was frequenting adult book stores! AND, he told me that he would stand in the back of the store where he worked and look through the window at his boss and masturbate!!! This was my CHRISTIAN HUSBAND!!! To give you some history, my husbands' older brother starting giving him oral sex when he was 14 and he participated willingly!!! After the prostitute incident we moved out of state and it seemed all of that stopped. After 6 1/2 yrs. we moved back "home" and after 30 days there, I get a call at 10pm at night that he's been arrested for propostitioning a hooker..said he'd give her $25 for oral sex but only had $.75 in his pants. Now that we are in our 60's we haven't had sex for about 15 years. I've talked and begged and cried (thru the yrs.) and divorced him and still he continues to masturbate even when I'm willing to do ANYTHING with him. I've even begged him to just "get naked" together and enjoy being close. I keep waking up in the morning and finding him masturbating to TV..just so long as there's a pretty woman on the screen..not even a sexy scene..I also see him doing it at night after I've gone to be and I get up to go to the bathroom..there he is in front of the TV. My heart is breaking as who knows how many days we have left before the Lord calls us home. I am still turned on by him and love him and when I mention all this to him...ohhhh he's "so sorry" and "things will change!" Well, they haven't in the last 15 yrs. I've offered oral sex...anything just to be close. I don't know what to do with my desires and I feel like we aren't husband and wife anymore and ohhh how that breaks my heart. Plus the fact that I get horny and want him. As a Christian...is it wrong to want to divorce him and live on my own? I would miss him but he just hurts me over and over!!!!! SO SAD TOO!!!! :o(

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  22. I sooooooooooo empathise you - I have been married to my husband twice also. He promised when I remarried him that it would be a relationship between the two of us...sadly his sex life is solitaire and his own lone private sexual agenda is fulfilled. If I press him for sex he gives lots of excuses and on one occasion became very aggressive and hurt me. It was quite terrifying.
    Our children told me at the dinner table about finding his stash of porn, innocently unaware of the formidable masturbation habit he has. I catch him rubbing himself in front of the TV whilst I am cooking dinner. He has changed his chosen seat to conceal this from me also. I now sleep alone as I just feel so humiliated and revolting laying next to him in bed, wanting him so badly but knowing that he pulls away from me and turns his back to me whilst he masturbates and then snores.
    I love my husband and I love his body - I don't want anyone else - he knows this and plays with my love and loyalty. I have always tried to please and perform oral sex for him but it is a
    one sided affair with reciprocation of any sexual behaviour towards me.
    I too am considering leaving and living on my own but I keep thinking of the saying am "I cutting off my nose to spite my face".
    We are close friends if the matter of our appalling sex life is omitted from the issue.
    I can't help but feel that he doesn't really love me and possibly resents me - why else would
    someone treat their wife like this. I can't get my head around his selfishness.
    I cry regularly. I feel broken, beaten and worthless. I have had to resign from my job I just can't function. It is just eating me up.
    I think about his secretive antics the majority of the day and do not know what to do. When I told him I was moving away he simply said he was coming with me and it would be a great adventure.
    I think I need to tell him he is not coming, I can't trust him and he has demonstrated repeatedly that he does not love me.

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  23. I had no idea that when I bought my fool husband a laptop that he would be getting a lap dance everyday, while I walked around starving for sex! Well I'm getting my self a real man!
    I wonder if he will put up with my real thing as long as I have put up with his fake thing?
    Hope that laptop does the dishes :-)CHUMP!

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  24. I no longer masturbate. I view it as totally counterproductive to a healthy marriage. I see no way for it to add to marital intimacy.

    My wife and I have not had sex for 16 years. For many of those years, I masturbated. I realized that this was not adding our marriage, or my spiritual life, so I stopped. I am glad that I did. I now life in 100% Christian integrity, and I am 100% masturbation-free.

    (That does not mean that I am without temptation. I resist temptation, with the aid of the Holy Spirit. I have prayed for the gift of purity, and I have received it.)

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  25. Some of you women who posted anonymously are clearly married to sex addicts. They are to be pitied. There is help available. Talk to a psycologist first, esp. one who deals in addictions, and find out about resources in your area. If your spouse will get help, they will be a happier person, which is a first priority. They're probably miserable and stuck in this dead end addiction. They might be willing to try to become healthier first so they can be happier, and then so they can be a better spouse. In other words, they need to get better for themselves first. they're not likely to do it just for you. Addicts are by nature selfish people in some ways, so they need to see what's in it for them. Unfortunately, sex addiction has been very overlooked and there is such limited help available.

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  26. I was diagnosed with a "Sexual Addiction" problem and have been in therapy for almost 3 years now. During my early years, I attributed my problem of masturbating and viewing pornography as because my wife had a low sex drive. Taking responsibility now, I am practicing abstinance from pornography and masturbation. However, during the past two years, my wife and I have sexual intercourse every 1 or 2 weeks. Even two years later, the immediate withdrawals are powerful and I am fighting depression. So now I am taking a different approach. I find it is easier on my system to forego sex completely than to endure the weekly withdrawl syptoms. This is OK for me, but not OK for my wife as she still occasionally enjoys sex. Also, since my start of celibacy, I have experienced my first nocturnal emmision at 40 years old. This happended at day 50. One side effect I have noticed since my celibacy is erectile dysfunction during a time when my wife and I chose to have sex (breaking celibacy). During the few times breaking celibacy, I feel a huge dispair. Now I am fearfull of having sex for how negatively I will feel afterwards. I don't know how my marriage is going to survive this as my counsel suggests this is better than masturbation and pornography. All I ever wanted to have was a fruitful sex life in marriage...

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  27. It would be interesting to see how many wives have their own think going on. Actually my opinion is that this goes alot deeper( no pun intented) This is one of so many things that should be talked about before marriage. Yes I know very well that this is something that isn't easy to talk about and as men we alot of times avoid it by saying, " It's none of her business". Well I hate to break this to you men but it IS her business. Anytime there are any secrets between a husband and wife it's an openning for trouble. We also need to look at what sex means to both partners but that's a whole subject in it's self. My wife said she had never had an orgasm while having intercourse ( obviously we've both been marriaged before). Our solution was to masturbate together. Sick? Some may think so and some may say we're both going to hell. I feel what we do in our bedroom is our business. The important thing is that it's consensual. That is the key, it needs to be agreed on otherwise it becomes selfish and there's no room for just thinking of yourself in marriage.

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  28. I began to masturbate at 14, and became sexually active at 15. The sexual fantasy began to consume my thinking any time I came around the girls. Porn just fed the flames, to the point that I found myself masturbating and fornicating in a mirror. It was the ultimate depersonalization. I could not form any meaningful friendship with a girl, even though I had a lover, because the sensuality completely consumed my thoughts and drove from my mind the reality of the person. I knew it was wrong, and I would confess to the priest, but always in secret, in hiding. There was no intimacy that was fulfilling, there was only satisfaction. I craved quiet from the burning, but never found peace of soul. Of few of my friends refrained from all sex and masturbation, and they were at peace. I then began to realize how futile sex was without true friendship, without family, and without children. I began to beg God for help, and one day I confessed openly to a priest, and God delivered me. I am not without temptation, but God continues to deliver me every time. It has been 50 years. Ask, and you shall receive. Knock, and the door shall be opened.

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  29. My husband and I have been together for over 25 years. We have weathered many storms. Our sex life has truly been the glue that held us together. Over the past three years we have been going through a very stressful time with our business. He started taking blood pressure and cholesterol medication. I could immediately tell a huge difference in his ability to stay aroused and his interest in sex all together. I have tried to talk with him about this and he turns the tables and tells me I am the one with the problem. It has gotten to the point that what use to be sex 2 or 3 times a week has turned into I cannot remember the last time we had intercourse and sex of any type is rare. We have not had sex more than 5 times in the past six months. I try to arouse him, I make sexual suggestions, I wear his favorite perfume, I try to set the mood with as little stress as possible, I tell him how attractive he is to me ... and I get nothing but broken promises of his interest. Two weeks ago he told me it was because I was being too aggressive and he wanted to be the aggressor. I backed away and just wait for him to act. Last night I asked him if he is taking care of himself. HE told me yes ... and I was devastated. I feel betrayed. I feel like he has lost interest in me. I feel like I need to just get away from this relationship because of the pain and rejection I feel. I love him dearly, and I will always be friends with him. But I am at my wits end and I would rather be by myself and be lonely than to be with him and be lonely. Not sure what to do.

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  30. I think it won't be stopped even if you're married. It has been a part of the lifestyle of most people.

    buy generic viagra

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  31. I have been reading most of the comments and its enlightening. Im a married man and i masturbate when i get horny and when i have the chance and oh boy i get so horny most of the time. But making love to my wife is still better though.

    My wife knows that i still masturbate and she understands me, and i love her for that.

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  32. I am not sure how long ago this was written, but I want to say that I too am very fed up with my husbands masturbating. The other night while we lay in bed he suddenly became erect, so I tried to engage him in sex. He rejected me by telling me that he just wanted to masturbate, and it hurt me so deeply. I a very attractive female, and get a lot of guys coming on to me with offers of sex(which I refuse.)I simply don't understand his need to masturbate if he has me next to him in bed. I feel hurt, I feel ashamed, and devastated by some of the ways that he has rejected me in favor of touching himself. I have felt it so deeply that I have been questioning whether or not sex with me is good, or if I am in some way not as pleasurable to him as his own hand. I have contemplated getting vaginal rejuventation because I somehow felt that my vagina was the issue. As I am reading these other posts I am starting to understand that it's not me at all, it's him. I love him with all of my heart but this keeps me up at night sometimes.

    :o( Sometimes he sneaks out of the bed to look at porn and masturbate, and he used to be on dating websites when we first got in a committed relationship to look at other women. I also had many issues with him flirting with women, and even him having sexual conversations with them. After the other night he has been sleeping on the couch, and I have been sleeping in the bed. Worst part of it all is that we are newlywed's. We will have been married for 3 months tomorrow 8/21/2011. I am sad, and confused, and questioning if I even want to stay married to him. I simply don't like feeling the way that I do. Do guys also masturbate because they can regulate the sensation that the penis is getting due to being able to hold it tighter than a women's vagina can grip it? What's the deal?

    I dont mind him masturbating, but sometimes he loses his erection right in the middle of sex, but he never does while masturbating. I am at a loss for words and just ready to see a therapist. If he would stop that would make me happy, but I know that he would never give it up - Confused

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    1. wish I were your husband...sounds like you at least try...

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  33. We've been married 18 years. For all but the first two years we were married I've wished my wife wanted to make love more often. I find it amazing that there's women out their that actually want to have sex more often than the man. I admit I am jealous. These men are so lucky to have a wife who wants to make love that often.

    I've been masturbating 5 or more times a week so I don't get so sexually frustrated with my wife. No one should feel guilty about this! In my case, my wife is not interested more than once every 7 to 10 days despite my best efforts to please her, to be romantic, to try to reduce her stress, to be closer, etc. In a perfect world, I'd like to make love every other day but even twice a week would be fantastic.

    I also find it frustrating that 4 out of 5 times I'm doing all of the "giving" in our lovemaking. I like to do everything to please her but it gets so demoralizing when she doesn't want to do the same for me. Quite often she just lays there and enjoys herself. I make her cum multiple times which I love to do, but how about trying to please me?

    Typically I get pretty depressed about this by the 5th or 6th week. It's only then that she eventually will have pity on me and be less selfish in her love-making. And yes, I've talked to her about it multiple times. She just gets angry about it, or if I catch her on a good day, she say she'll do better to placate me, but then nothing changes.

    Without masturbation, I'd have divorced long ago. You should not consider this some sort of "sin". That said, I always make sure I'm not doing it so much that it affects my desire or ability to make love with my wife.

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    1. I absolutely understand you, being one of those wifes who wants sex more than their husbands.
      Having said that, would you masturbate if you always got YES from your wife?
      I simply do not understand why my husband masturbates if I give him the best sex ever ever (his words)?
      It's breaking my heart

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    2. I am with you sad wife, because I too can say that I am one of those women who has a higher sex drive than the typical man, but I am not proud to say that my husband doesn't appreciate it as much as I Think he should especially as he masturbates every morning before I get up, but am totally awake from his alarm, and then maybe again later if the house is empty or he's too tired for sex. I masturbate just about everyday too because unfortunately my husband rarely gives it to me long enough to make me O... I'm going crazy here.. but I think your point is spot on... Why wouldn't they just masturbate to satisfy their own needs in 5 mins or less and work at it whenever they feel like it because were always good to go.

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  34. Masturbation takes care of my needs and them im fine. sexual frustration should not be taken lightly.. thats the reason their is such a need for Sex Toys for men :)

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  35. Please Tell me!
    I am just as the other wives my desire is strong for my husband. I try to please him however I could. married for 14 pretty much sexless yrs. he tells me Im fine. Yet he chooses to masturbate and lie about it. I caught him watching porn(sorry never do it again) We did all that everyone talked about. This and that, circle talk, and smoke screens, blame shifting... if I was happier bla bla. The fact is if I masturbated and never wanted sex from him he would be perfectly content. I have to know!!!! How can I meet his needs/dreams if I dont know what they are. He wont tell. truly I ask in a loving way. All I know is he cant stop his eyeballs from watching every beautiful women that passes. I so wish the grass really was greener on the other side someone please tell me it is. My heart hurts

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  36. We are in our mid-20's, married over 5 years, been together for 10 total. My husband gets "something" from me at least 5 times a week, and I'm pregnant. More when I wasn't pregnant. We have an amazing sex life. We have watched porn together because it's been a big fight for years. I understand we're young and I understand that we're the only partners we've ever had, so I finally have into the watching of porn, as long as he was truthful with me about it. I got pissed one day and he deleted all of the porn, but I can't help to think he just hid it on one of his many servers and uses it when I'm not home. I always tell him, if he's horny ask me to do something with him and he swears he doesn't masterbate, even when I'll check his phone or history or snoop around once or twice a year and I always find something, so it leads me to believe he lies to me the whole time. He says he looks at stuff and doesn't masterbate, and I ask what else he gets out of it and he says he just likes the way females look. I understand and provide him with videos and photos of myself in hopes of him not looking at other girls. But, he says he doesn't want that stuff because it could get into the hands of other people. He's so silly. I just want to make sure he's not lying to me. Lying is not healthy.

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  37. It's just heartbreaking to read all the comments from the wives of sex addicts! D:

    ~Violet Black

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  38. What to do about a husband who hides his cups of crisco? It's disgusting and we have a tv in the bathroom so I'm positive he is viewing porn, hence the crisco. I've seen many porn images and movies on his computer, but now he hides them. He could have sex almost anytime with me, but we never have it. He comes up with every excuse in the book. I've caught him masturbating. A counselor suggested he be evaluated for a sex addiction but he said he didn't have a problem. He also drinks and hides his whiskey bottles. I believe he drinks with the porn to enhance it. Is he addicted? I think so, but he refuses to change because he claims he's not addicted. It is hard to be married to someone who is almost 50 and still enjoys his daily porn.

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  39. My husband also hides what he does.. Waits till I go to bed and jacks off..whether we have just had sex or not!! He does this on the couch .. He does it while flipping channels with the remote!! Gets it all gross.. He hides kleenex under his shirt encase i suddenly come down stairs.. And then he quickly tries tom pull up his pants.. Several times I stood on the steps to see him going at it ..or watching porn.. He here's then yells what are you doing up..slams down the laptop and tries to pull up his pants!!! I have asked him..why don't he just come to bed!! A good share of the time he tells me it is because I shot him down earlier.. This is what he does.. He comes home..he gets mad of I do not kiss him and notice that he is home..so I go up to him give him a kiss.. He can not even do that with out first yanking and snapping my bra..or giving a grungy..oh yeah that is real romantic now isn't it..or he grabs my breast and using them like a steering wheel to pull/push me around.. Or he says he is tuning in tokyo...or he pounds on my chest like I am an ape!!! He masturbates most nights..and when we do have sex now he ejaculates on my leg or stomach a few minutes into kissing.. It is quite gross.. Then he is use to his own touch and fingers ..hen can not keep it up for long.. But he just can not see anything wrong.. And it is all my fault...

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  40. Most men really do not see it as a problem... "It's just something all men do" they say.
    In my opinion, they see woman as "means to satisfy their needs". Not a partner and a friend.

    Any single men out there who would not masturbate in marriage? Marry me and I promise not to turn you down... :)

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    1. What age group? LOL

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  41. I absolutely believe that masturbation is destructive to a loving relationship, particularly when it is the man masturbating. I have been married a over 20 years. I did not understand the damage it does until my wife (soon to be wife) discussed it. She asked me if I masturbated and I admitted that I did. She was not upset, but she immediately asked what I think about when I do it. Again I was honest and admitted that mostly I thought about her, but sometimes other women would enter my fantasies. Her position was that masturbating that I was having sex with those women in my fantasies. She told me that she had never masturbated and would be very concerned if I continued. She had a high sex drive and we made love often, so at the time, I was not sure I believed her when she said that she never did it. After some time married I became confident she has never masturbated and never would.

    Over the next few days it came up repeatedly and I developed an understanding for how it made her feel to think about me pleasuring myself. First was betrayal because of the other women in my fantasies, but almost more important was that she wanted me to have the same level of control over my urges as she had. Finally she asked me to promise to stop masturbating and never do it again. I knew this was a very serious matter for her and if we were going to be happy together I would need to stop, so I agreed. As a test we agreed we would not make love again until we were married. We lived together, so I knew she would be able to tell if I slipped up, so I made an absolute commitment to myself that I would stop. This period was very difficult in the beginning, but I managed to learn to control myself and did not masturbate or orgasm for the 6 months before we were married. This is not to say that I did not have periods of extreme arousal, as did she, but as I said she has incredible self control. For me it was a little tougher.

    Once we were married we resumed our normal sex life. In the beginning, it was an incredible relief to have a release again, but oddly I soon started missing the energized feelings of closeness and connectedness to my wife I developed during my period of total abstinence prior to our wedding. I started talking with my wife about it and she said making love and having me give her an orgasm actually made her feel even more connected.

    Soon we realized that for me having an orgasm actually decreased my feelings of intimacy. This was a scary thought because it meant that to ever get the highly connected feelings back that I would need to stop having orgasms as much. We discussed it for a long while and decided we would try only having orgasm every 4 times we made love. This experiment taught us several things. First, even though the time of abstinence was good for me, it was all lost when I had an orgasm. Second, refraining from orgasm had the opposite affect on her. So we then tried a period of a month where I would make love to her and pleasure her, but I did not allow myself to orgasm. As you can imagine, this was not easy at first and we had a few slips on my part, but after the month we both knew this was the best for us.

    That was over 20 years ago. I do not masturbate or allow myself to orgasm when we make love and I love my wife more everyday and feel connected to her in ways I cannot possibly describe. When we make love her pleasure is even greater knowing that I hold back for her. This probably would not work for every couple, but I would not want it any other way.

    I love my wife!

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    1. that was beautiful !!!anonymous that posted on March 2nd 2012!!

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  42. Married 14 yrs and Its nice to know im not alone. My husband isn't nice the day after sex. But before and right after he's loving and kind. I love him and our sex life. But once I figured out his mood changed the following days I didn't want him as often. I explained it to him but he said it wasnt true. Then I pointed out his mood change. He said he would try to be nicer. Worked great for a while....now he's masturbating instead so I get attitude without the pleasure of being with him. Or when we are sexual it takes him forever because he just came that morning without me so I have to fake pleasure so he enjoys it long after I'm done. I also spoke to him about it and begged him to wait for our time together. I hate it when he masturbates then lies about it. I'm an attractive woman that enjoys satisfying him. I feel hopeless. Does anyone else notice mood change after sex?

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