June 26, 2008

Why Doesn't She Want Sex Like I Do?

My wife and I watched a marriage seminar on DVD this last weekend that we both really enjoyed. It's done by a guy named Mark Grungor and is called "Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage." First of all, it was very good and I highly recommend it to any couple interested in improving their relationship.

It gave us a good time to laugh about our differences, learn some things, and then discuss later the things we agreed with and didn't agree with (which is a very important step after these type of things to make sure they apply to your situation). There were many pearls of wisdom throughout the video, but I'd like to share one that really stuck with me.

I have often been amazed at how God designed men to need sex to feel loved, and how women need love to want sex. For years it has seemed like a big cosmic practical joke, something to frustrate both sexes for all of their married lives. Why? has been the question for many men in this area.

Instead of looking at this as an impossible impasse, however, we need to look at it as a circle in which we both help complete. For me to get the sexual intimacy that I desire, I need to be focusing on loving my wife in the way she wants to be loved. And, for my wife to get the love she wants from me, she must understand that she creates that attitude in me by giving me the sexual intimacy I want.

If husband and wife both had the same needs, it would be much harder for those needs to be fulfilled because we would both be wanting the same thing all the time. But since we have "opposite" needs, we can each focus on fulfilling each other instead of ourselves.

Mark Grungor said the reason why men have the sex drive they have is not because we're dirty, perverted, or sex crazy, but it's a simple way to force us remember to love the girl. Our sexual desire should make us ask ourselves, "How have I loved my wife lately?" and "How can I love her right now?"

Of course the problems arise when we turn our sex drive into a reason to be self-fulfilling and not self-giving. So we must ask ourselves: Am I completing this circle or breaking it?


  1. you not only shed light on this topic for me but screwed the bulb in and flipped the switch to a light similar to the one that signaled Batman. I 've been re-learning this whole concept of marriage not being 50/50 but 100/100 and this post totally affirms that idea. I also hate this post because it reminds me just how selfish I can be when it comes to sex and loving my wife. But thank you.

  2. Wonderful post as usual! Always making both halves think about our own relationships!

  3. I love the line, need sex to feel loved, and need love to want sex. That is so true.


  4. where was this site before my divorce....

  5. Interesting theory. I agree that men usually place sex as the first priority in a relationship while for women usually place emotional closeness first.

    But I'm still not sure why if men need sex to feel love, some men search for sex without any commitment and pornography. If sex=love, then men who slept around would seek a loving commitment with the women they sleep with.

    I think sex brings my hubby and I closer, but I don't buy that sex is purely an expression of love for men.

  6. I appreciate your comment, and you're right, "If sex equals love then men who sleep around would seek a loving commitment with the women the sleep with."

    But the thing is, I'm talking about "feeling" loved, not "equals love." Does that make sense? Men need sex to feel loved, whereas women often need love to want sex. Men often feel like they aren't being loved when the sexual relationship is rejected.

    There's a whole other article on what you're talking about; about what true love is and how to fulfill it. What I'm talking about here is about simple feelings, and I'm most definitely (on this site) speaking about it within the commitment of marriage.

  7. Great post.

    I really appreciate that you've framed this sexual difference as an OPPORTUNITY.

    Grungor is very funny and largely hits the mark from what I've seen.

    Women tend to have their heart connected to their genitals, while men can be quite disconnected in this regard. Sex for men can often simply be an unconscious act of releasing tension. There's nothing "wrong" with this, it's just a lower level of sexual relationship.

    I've learned that when it comes to understanding differences between men and women, expanding the context from "men and women" to "masculine and feminine" is helpful, because men and women BOTH run varying degrees of both masculine and feminine energies, which often explains why man/woman stereotypes don't apply across the board.

    I teach a model for understanding the differences between masculine and feminine and making these differences work FOR you in your relationship. It's called Gender Synergy and you can learn more on my site: www.MenMasteringRelationship.com

  8. interesting, however I have found that no matter how much effort is put into maintaining the love portion of the circle, it will never be enough to create a desire for a DAILY maintaining of the sex portion of the circle. "a big cosmic practical joke" is most accurate. Much love an respect for God, however, we gotta have a word about this when earthtime is over. Ill be sure to wear some hip armor!

  9. This issue is as old as men and women. Men want sex more and more often tham women do. There is no way to change it, so it is what it is. You may find ways to improve your sex life and make her more willing at times but it always boils down to the basic truth. Men want sex more than women.

  10. women are wired difrently , its not a bad thing , we as men need to compromise when it comes to Sex :)

  11. I keep reading about how women are wired differently and feel differently about sex than men do. However, I think it is important to note that woman also WANT sex. At least my wife does. And there have been times when she has been "in the mood" and I have not, although the opposite is far more common. I think the point is that men are the only ones in the relation that like sex and want to engage in it.