May 9, 2008

Marriage Is Not 50/50

I hate it when I hear married couples say things to each other like, "It's your turn," or "I did it last time." Even before I was married, hearing exchanges like this made me feel really uncomfortable. They reminded me of how my sister and I would argue over chores, and I most certainly didn't want to marry my sister. Hearing people say, "Marriage is a 50/50 relationship" didn't sit well with me either. Then one day the thought hit me:

Marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100.

The 50/50 mindset is self-seeking. It's when we say things like, "I did the dishes last time, so I don't to have do them this time." And whenever you are asked to do more than your share, you are tempted to be put out. 100/100, however, carries a whole different perspective. Instead of being focused on what you give with your half and what you get from hers, you are solely seeking to satisfy her needs. You'll still both take turns, but not because it's your right, but because you're submitting to each other's love. And 100/100 keeps no record of who did what last. This is yet another way of answering the question, How have I shown my wife that I love her today?

There are many times when it is my turn to do the dishes, but because I have something else I need to do (like this very post, for example), my wife goes ahead and does them. We don't keep track, we just keep working at 100%.

When we are focused on each doing only our own half we are centered on where my job ends and hers begins. But marriage is about teamwork, and what team ever got anywhere with the players only giving fifty percent? If we want to succeed in marriage, both sides have to give it their all, all the time.




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54 comments:

  1. This is something that my Father always told me. The Hubby and I often bicker...and my Dad always tells me- "Your Mother and I have been married happily so long because we don't keep score". And after reading this post... Its so true. I am still trying to over come the scorcard... and its so hard when I work full time, take care of the kids full time (until the weekend when he has three days off)..take care of the entire house inside, trying to be a wife and trying to get "me" time. I don't even know how to communicate to him that I need him to sacrifice like I do- It's mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting during the week when I don't get any help with anything from him (except cutting the grass).

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  2. If that's how you need to think about it so that you'll you do the dishes, so be it, as long as the damn things get done! :-)

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  3. I find my husband uses the 'don't keep score' theory when he's not doing his part..

    I agree there's no need to keep score if everyone's giving 100 percent - but that's not the case for most couples. It seems like women naturally have a sense of nurturing and caring and thoughtfulness to their loved ones. From what I've seen many men don't naturally have that. I find myself wondering what I can do to lighten my husband's load and I notice him only recipricating the thought on special occasions. It makes a person feel used and underappreciated. I do the same amount of housework since I started work too, then I did when I stayed at home - is that right?

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  4. buttafly and annonymous, I understand where you are coming from, and you are not alone. It is most definitely hard to keep giving a hundred when the other half isn't. In fact, it's things like that which inspired this website in the first place.

    I am thankful for all the visitors I get to this site, but I really hope you ladies can send your men over here. This whole post was written with the intent that men would read it, stop, and ask themselves if they really are doing everything they can do. When women read something like this, it may only confirm harsh feelings you have, and as a result may grow any resentment that already exists.

    I know how you're feeling (to an extent), and that's why we've got to get the men reading this thing.

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  5. A husband:

    I agree, this website would help my husband so much. And I admire what you're trying to do; and usually agree with you. Your advice would help most marriages. But, as I was reading this post, I zeroed in on the message my husband would have taken from it: "Don't keep score" "My wife is doing the dishes while I blog and not complaining about it"

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  6. I cannot possibly affirm your statement enough! This should be proclaimed on billboards around the globe, shouted from rooftops and written across the sky. You nailed this one on the head: Marriage is 100/100. Absolutely! Great job.

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  7. Thanks. Needed to hear it today.

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  8. Ridiculous. If you want something done, do it. Don't expect someone else to do what you want done.

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  9. What a great concept. 100/100. I like it.

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  10. Anonymous who's doing too much housework:

    I think the scorekeeping isn't the fix. (*Sounds* like it isn't. You're keeping score, and you're still not happy with what he's doing!)

    I do most of our housework. (Believe it or not, I'm the husband!) I'm tempted to keep score, but I don't. I reflect that I didn't marry her so she could keep the house clean, or work as hard as I do. I married her because I like her company. I could interpret her leaving clothes on the floor as not loving me enough, but it feels better to interpret it as being more tolerant of clutter than I am. (Not only does it feel better -- I know it's the truth!)

    What I do instead of scorekeeping is I ask her to help me with it, not in a weary why-can't-you-just-DO-it way, but as a *favor*. And she does.

    I still do more. But at the end of the day -- I still have her with me, which is way better than being alone in a sparkling house!

    I also resolve -- this is tough -- that when she doesn't do as much for me as I want, I will be more generous, not less so, as inspiration. I don't think it has much effect on how much housework she does, but it does make her happy, which makes me happy.

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  11. someone smart once told me marriage is never 50/50, but always 30/70. Sometimes you're the 30, sometimes you're the 70, but don't be too comfortable when you are the 30, and don't be too unhappy when you are the 70, because your turn on the bottom will come. (that tip scored extra points with me for the sexual innuendo).

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  12. Women do the housework and men don't. In our house Hubby has to make enough money and I stay home and take care of him. Unfortunately, that's the way it is. The 70's Liberation Movement forgot to tell the guys what they are suppose to do around the house.

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  13. Anonymous Wife
    If you assume the worst of your husband you'll most likely get the worst from him. Why would he try to be thoughtful if you assume he's going to be thoughtless. I don't doubt your tired and frustrated, but people are much more likely to change when you are hopeful that they will change.

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  14. Wow, okay yeah - only the first 2 anon. posts were me. I love my husband dearly - and I'm not expecting the worst from him, I'm stating facts from our relationship - and from talking with other wives it's kind of a common theme. In many relationships the husband's don't like to keep score because they would have to face how little they are doing to help their wives with responsibilities they are supposed to be sharing. I've tried to explain it to him like this. If we were partners in a business and we would both profit from the business' success, wouldn't he be kind of angry and resentful if I went on vacation while he did all the work to start it up and keep it going? Would that be right?

    Also, our brains are different from yours. If any of you think we're not keeping score or records - think again. Mens' brains are compartmentalized. Things can be separated easily. In a woman's brain everything is linked together. In your marriage/relationship, there are no isolated events - ever. They are all in some sort of context. You not helping with the dishes a month from now might very well be linked to you not doing them tonight and create a huge situation in her brain..

    Anonymous wife..
    Ashley S.

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  15. "There are many times when it is my turn to do the dishes, but because I have something else I need to do (like this very post, for example), my wife goes ahead and does them."

    Husbands are extremely good at finding "something more important to do." The trouble is husbands never really see what their wife "needs to do" as quite so necessary.

    I think in real world terms husbands aren't stepping up quite so much as they think they are.

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  16. So, we're not married yet, but he is often over at my place, and we spend almost all our free time (save for sleeping) together. He does a lot for me, and he is one of those exceptions where I'll just off-handedly say that I need to get something in the other room, and before I realise what he's doing, he's already gone to fetch it for me. I've caught myself taking it for granted sometimes, so it works both ways.

    But in the beginning of the relationship, when he obviously was not quite as serious about me, but we were still spending a lot of time together, I did get frustrated that he would think exactly as tracee said: That when he had "something more important to do," and he really needed my favour, he would "ask" me to do something, but it was really a demand. It always frustrated me when he said, "Well, it's not like you have anything to do right now anyway!" Yes, I'm not in class or at work. It doesn't mean that I don't have plenty of tasks to do at home or work that's important to me to do. Nobody I've ever heard of got into law school by just attending class and never doing work in their own time.

    But when I would ask him for a favour, he would say, "Not now. I have something important to do." It could be anything from washing his car (which is important! - I think so too! But not necessarily more important than what I had to do) to preparing for a big meeting. But he would take it for granted that I would be intimidated and back down.

    The good news is: We've worked it out, and this is even before we're married. I expect other things to come up when we're married, but one of the best pieces of advice I've gotten is "commitment is more important than compatibility." Yeah, we may not agree or share certain things, activities, views, but we are both committed to this relationship, to our faith, to our values, to our family (with or without children), to forgiving each other, to giving each other chances, etc...

    I can understand where one partner gets frustrated because it's not necessarily about "keeping score," but reciprocation. When one person is frustrated that another doesn't return the love after s/he has given the other so much, it's not about how many times the other has shown love or the "quantity" of love. It's just that one person gets burned out. Starved. They're just looking for something else dependable and consistent.

    Just remember, folks. Commitment is more important than compatibility, both ways. If you're committed to loving each other, your actions should be the natural overflow of your desire to love and please the other person.

    In other words - if the dishes need to get done, do them. If they're already done, find something else to do to lighten both your burdens! =P

    God bless, hugs and kisses.

    Lots of Love,
    ><> Elizabeth <><

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  17. My husband and I have been married for 27 years and our sharing out of tasks has always been unequal. We have 2 girls, he was brought up in a family of boys and any time any decision is made concerning the girls whether it has been behaviour or boys
    I have found that I get the say,he will not imput into this which frustrates me at times but,he does the cooking and grocery shopping and some outside chores,as well as work and I get the decisions to make, house to clean and I also work. Hey this seems to work for us. I think you just have to be fair and choose the tasks you are better at than he or she is and let them take care of the tasks that they are better at, it doesn't need to be 50/50 just love/love.

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  18. Reply to the annon husband who said:
    >I still do more. But at the end of the day -- I still have her with me, which is way better than being alone in a sparkling house!<
    Couldn't agree more. I cannot control her behavior but I can mine. We both do LOTS of chores, but we can't do it all alone. So when we need help we just ask, without frustration, and without anger. Emotions are tricky but to keep your family healthy, negative emotions like anger should be given little attention, while productive communication is encouraged.

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  19. Let me just say that I think you husbands are awesome for putting time and effort and thought into what would make you a better husband. That alone would impress a wife. Keep it up.


    Ashley S.

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  20. I want to thank everyone for all of their comments. I had intended to get on here earlier in the comment game to make specific follow-ups, but it seems that the time got away from me too quickly.

    I am so thankful for how far around the world this article has reached, and I hope — whether you agree with the 100/100 concept or not — that this is making you think more about giving more in your relationships.

    Again, thanks everyone so much for your participation in this blog. You make it what it needs to be!

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  21. 50/50??? 100/100?? what is wrong with every one?????in a perfect world Yes I can see 100/100. In an imperfect world 50/50. Reality is you never know what you will get. I work in an office. My wife runs a store. She pays the bills. she cleans the house. She is the one that stresses out and understands. The world is not fair. It never is and never will be. You ask how is it that she does all the work and its ok? Its not My wife loves to clean she enjoys it. Picture how a guy loves to walk into an electronic store and he goes gaga over everything. Well when we go to the supermarket and reach the isle with all the cleaners she loves it goes nuts.
    We are two different animals men and women. We can not share the work. we can not pick and chose what we will do. At all times it is UNFAIR to Women how things are done and not in this life time will that change. The reality of it all is that as long as you have love, a helping hand and a little awareness to help when you know your wife needs the help, your married life would be as perfect as anyone can get it.

    If you were a fly in my house you would see the following. I would be on the couch on my computer doing my work. My wife would call me "john" and that would be it. I would get up and she would tell me what needs to be done. once done I would sit my but down and wait for the next call. I don't say no sometimes I complain that shes calling me to much but she always wins out. People might think that i don't care and I am not helping. But look at it my way. I sometime am not aware what my wife needs done. allot of guys have blinders on. I like it this way. I do what she wants me to do. I help as much as is needed. Shes happy I'm happy. Again its not perfect but just to be honest I don't ever thing it will be perfect.so wake up grow up 50/50 100/100 get real

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  22. My wife doesn't work. I earn decent cash. I used to go to the pub in the afternoon with my buddies - and she complained that I should be working. I said it's not her business what I do from 9 to 5 as long as the bills are paid.

    Anyway things got bad - she is dead anti-drink - so for the sake of my daughter I stopped drinking completely. I now work harder at home. I have tried doing stuff around the house like the other folks on the message board.

    But - I can't get over the 50 / 50 thing...

    Example - last week I cooked every night - she appreciated it - I told her I enjoy it and it relaxes me. I always did the school run in the morning and got breakfast ready for the kids and the lunch boxes etc, but I started cleaning the kitchen also last week....

    Gradually the "thank you's" dried up.

    I had to bite my tongue this evening when I walked into the kitchen and she was sitting watching TV. She said "I'll have a cup of tea" .... I realised I would NEVER have said that to her - I wouldn't even ask for one - and if I did, and I was so lazy I couldn't get my arse off the chair I would at least say "Please my angel, would you make me a cuppa?" or something like that.

    I don't mind if it's not 50 / 50 - but I want some thanks for what I do... otherwise I'm just going to explode and go down the boozer again and get sloshed - at least I enjoyed that !!!

    Any answers anyone ???

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  23. Here's an answer for Matt: Don't explode. In fact, try the opposite. Talk to her in a voice so soft and quiet, she has to turn off the TV to listen. For me, almost whispering works better than shouting. In a very calm voice, tell her what's bothering you. For example, "Please my angel, it bothers me when I do a week of cooking and cleaning and don't hear thanks. I feel unappreciated." Even though you're not accusing her of anything, she may still be a little defensive. But hopefully she'll come around and you two can work through the issue. Talking about stuff helps my wife and me keep it all balanced. Dont' fear talking honestly with your wife--there's much smaller danger there than in getting smashed.

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  24. I'm in an opposite situation than most, my wife and I have a very unconventional marriage. She works full time as a General Manager for a womans retail store and I'm a stay at home graphic designer and amateur game designer. What income I bring in is really negligible in the long run, but she doesn't mind. I do all the housework, laundry, care for the cats, and I work at home doing my own tinkering and other hobbies.

    What's our secret? We married each other because we love each other for who we are not who we could be. I didn't marry my wife because she is more financially stable, when we met, started dating, and moved in with one another, I made more money. I did all the housework then as well, I didn't mind... I love her and want to make sure that she's taken care of and that not one day goes by that she isn't 100% sure that she's absolutely loved with all my heart. So I let my design contracts run out and didn't renew them, didn't find other ones, instead I began doing what I truly enjoy and at the same time we are both happy.

    I don't want her to change, that's something I see a lot of couples that I know and a couple I see here trying to do all too often. If you don't like how they are today, why did you marry them to begin with? You don't buy a shirt because how you think it will look in five years, you don't buy a computer for how well it will run in ten years, and you don't buy a Nissan Sentra thinking that in a few years it's going to turn into a Lexus. Your spouse is no different.

    We understand this, so we don't try to change each other because we love how we are today and there's nothing we want to change. 100/100, 50/50, 30/70... the 100/100 is the correct answer, you are either all in good or bad or you are fooling yourself.

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  25. women read these kinds of posts because women want to know if the information their men are getting is accurate and really fits in with their lives. more often than not, the message gets jumbled up, and this is another example.

    "There are many times when it is my turn to do the dishes, but because I have something else I need to do (like this very post, for example), my wife goes ahead and does them."

    even though i'm sure the intentions are good, this gives the wrong impression. i don't see anything about a husband sacrificing for his wife, i just see a wife sacrificing for her husband. there will always be something that a husband can say is "more important" to do than, say, doing the dishes. women aren't as easily distracted from the chores. and good thing, too, or else nothing would get done.

    the best way for a husband to make his wife happy is to first see the things that need to be done, notice that they should be done now, and then do them. i recognize that it doesn't come naturally, but it still needs to be done. women naturally see things that need to be done. a woman might on her way to the bathroom notice that the trash needs to be emptied, so she does that. then she sees that there's some grime on the wall above the trashcan, so she cleans that. it goes on and on, and before she knows it, the entire night has been spent cleaning and fixing issues, and she hasn't had any time to relax herself. and this understandably creates a lot of tension between her and her husband if he's been watching tv or working on his interests the whole time, and she gets resentful.

    even though women don't naturally succumb to relaxation, they really do need to. relaxation is necessary for the happiness and health of all humans, so it shouldn't only be granted to half of the population. and the only way for a woman to relax is to know that things that need to be done, are done, or are in the process of being done.

    husbands should learn to notice issues around the house, and then take care of them. i certainly don't mean that men should do everything and women should relax the whole evening, as that would be just as unfair, just in different positions. what i do mean is that if you're on your way to the bathroom, take a look around you. maybe the trash is full. maybe the sink has a couple dishes in it. take some pride in looking around your own home to keep tabs on what's going on in it.

    because women have a hard time letting go of chores, husbands will have to convince them that it's ok to relax, because he has everything under control. then, she will be able to get to her own neglected hobbies and get some much needed rest.

    the way for a husband to make his wife truly happy is to do things on his own will. not to wait for her to ask, not even to do what she asks with a smile on his face, but to see, notice, and do things on his own without her having to mention anything to him at all. women do it for their men. and when women say, "why didn't you do the dishes? were you waiting for me to do them? why can't you think about me sometimes?" all they're really saying is, "i notice these things that need to be done and do them, so why can't you notice them and do them too?"

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  26. Hi Randal - thanks.

    I have been doing a lot of thinking - and it's me that's changed and that's changed her.

    A couple of years back my business was very successful, but I took a huge hit (a partner stitched me up).

    Before then we went on many holidays, overseas, cruises, had whatever we want. We are still living a good life in a big house on a golf estate in sunny climes, but my confidence took a knock.

    Before my motto would be "I do what I like, when I like, with who I like" - she never complained once. Nobody, inside or outside the house was left in any uncertainty who was the boss.

    Now however the line has blurred. With me taking this confidence knock I had started hitting the bottle a little harder - not getting drunk all the time understand, but sitting in the bar with new buddies talking about the good old days rather than getting out there and hitting more big deal s then celebrating.

    I remember the days when I would phone her from the bar and say I've closed a big one, come and join us at some fancy restaurant and bring the kids. More recently it would be her phoning me to see which bar I'm getting smashed in, and me dropping the call....

    ...so to cut a long story short, I believe I am the engineer of my own sad destiny. My wife was happy with the alpha male if you like, but I am now a bit battered and bruised, and since trying to pick up the pieces and do things for her she is maybe not used to it, or maybe she's getting her own back...

    On a lighter note, reminds me of a joke I heard recently;

    We've all heard about people having guts or balls.

    But do you really know the difference between them?

    In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:

    GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

    BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

    I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.


    Hope it raised a smile - I can still laugh!!!

    So in closing, I think money and hence confidence is the root of my problem. Once I get the business properly back on track without that shyster on board, I can get the R8 back, start hitting the big deals again, and Mrs Matt will suddenly realise I'm BACK - complete with confidence and sports car - and she better get her act together as there's several other younger models after her job... catch my drift ?

    Thanks again for the ideas guys, but 50/50? naaaaah - if the glove fits!!!!

    Matt

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  27. Matt, does fortune have to smile back upon you before Mrs. Matt will come back around, such as, lucrative dealmaking, an impressive sports car reintroduced into the garage, your drinking abstinence continued , many holidays, overseas cruises, etc. "My wife doesn't work and [yet] she complained that I should be working." Doesn't this seem a bit one sided to you? She may feel on more equal footing since your business isn't making you the obvoius superior party these days. Your situation will improve soon enough, but now may be a good time to accept more balanced roles. Talk to her about your insecutrities about your business lull and if she provides you with inspiration and understanding until dark clouds are lifted then your relationship can flourish. But if too much depends on your staying rich, she may not be your best match.

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  28. Thanks Randal - I appreciate your time and input....

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  29. Randal - F.Y.I. - things going better now :-)

    Cheers guys, and thanks for letting me rant !!

    Best wishes all...

    Matt

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  30. I think that many of the wives (and husbands) that have commented already have fallen into the trap of assuming all relationships are the same. I think that every relationship is different or at least my marriage is very different from all those described already. All men and women give and receive love differently; the secret is discovering how your spouse receives love and giving in that way. I highly recommend the book "Five Love Languages" on this subject.

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  31. My bride and I don't keep score. She does the dishes most of the time. I change the oil in the autos all of the time. She vacuums the floor all of the time. I cut the grass and trim the shrubs and trees all of the time. She washes the clothes. I repair what's broken.

    Basically, we do what we do well... so it gets done and we can go have fun.

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  32. I didn't read everyone's post, but I do wanna share my ideas on this.
    The husbands need to realize that by helping out with the chores of the house is like foreplay for women. It also give them more time to relax and let's face it men she will have more time to take care of your needs. And with a clean house, she won't be distracted with all the things that need to be done, because women are multitask thinkers, so the less they have to worry about the more likely they are to give you the attention you want.

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  33. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  34. solucky,

    You should have added a disclaimer clause at the end of your post stating:

    There is no guarantee that doing your part, or all of the housework for that matter, will arouse your wife to have more sex with you.

    Doing things because you expect something back in return from your spouse, will only lead to resentment.

    Sometimes it is not that a husband isn't doing his share of the housework but that he doesn't show any appreciation and consideration for his wife's efforts in doing the housework.

    If a man makes the effort to emotionally connect with his wife on a daily basis, he will have a very happily married woman and marriage.

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  35. I love this article.

    This attitude is the reason why WonderHubby & I have made it through all that we have in the last 11yrs.

    And it's why I call him WonderHubby, too. :)

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  36. My husband and I try to divide things equitably. He cooks because he loves cooking, and I wash dishes because I love not cooking. He takes out the trash; I do laundry because I'm better at it.

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  37. Hi

    Thanks all for your help.

    It didn't work - we're doing the divorce thing (oh NOOO - the "D" word I hear you all cry).

    If it's not working, get out.

    I'm fit and 40, and am happy that I'm doing it now before I waste the rest of my life - at least I can spend the next few years in reckless abandon with beautiful 20-somethings that want some no-strings-attached love.

    Guys - get a grip - women get old, men get mature - sharing all the chores is OK, but if you are the bread winner, then your wife must be the home-maker.... I fell into the trap, but luckily I escaped.

    Why grow old just because your wife does??? enjoy the fruits of youth - 40 year old women might still get horny, but they sure don't look and feel as nice as 20 year old ones - don't kid yourselves !!!!!

    Go guys - go !!!!

    Matt

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  38. Matt, sorry your marriage didn't work. Half of them don't. But for those husbands still trying don't lose hope. A marriage with intimacy--physical and/or emotional--is worth the struggle. I hope Matt you get to date lots of 20-year-olds and have a blast. But love isn't measured by a woman's age, her shape, or her demons, nor is it measured by a man's net worth. When you find a woman who loves you, Matt, you will want to make it last forever. Go and date every stewardess you can. Find happiness out there. Dating can be fun. But the REAL fruit of life is joy. And that comes from having an enduring, committed relationship with someone you enjoy. Matt, you know it's true.

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  39. To Tracee who said:
    "I think in real world terms husbands aren't stepping up quite so much as they think they are."

    In real world terms.... it's statements like this that emphasize why so many husbands get sick of even trying.

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  40. Our philosophy of marriage is to earn as many and lose as few Frequent Foreplay Miles as possible. It's based on the premise that foreplay is all day, 24/7, and encompasses everything that transpires between spouses. The higher our FFM balance, the happier we both are. Why do we focus on earning Frequent Foreplay Miles? Because it's just human nature to keep a mental tally of the pluses and minuses as a way to assess whether the relationship is working and in balance. Sure, we all know that tit-for-tat is destructive but, Gandhi and Mother Teresa aside, we all keep score and to think otherwise is silly. Frequent Foreplay Miles works so well for us, it's the subject of my upcoming book. Check it out at www.FrequentForeplayMiles.com

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  41. Basically my better half and I keep the lets not keep score bit in mind, but if anything we use it as an excuse to go out and do something for the other one. We don't need an excuse per se, but if anything it keeps us thinking about what the other has done for us in the past and what we can do to show the other how much it means to us, we both realize that we've given and taken our fair share. And the end result is this: as long as you balance each other out who cares who does what when? It just doesn't matter in the long run. I've always had a rule in my household, who ever cooks doesn't have to clean, don't like it? then make a meal, I've found it tends to encourage a balance, I'm a bartender and a Cook at work. so I really hate doing the dishes, And she's more consistent at getting them done right away, where as I would let them sit for no doubt too long (try 4 hours of dishes basically every day and see how fast you want to do them after dinner) but it works for other chores too, you want to sleep in? fine but you get to do the bed linens, and so on and so forth.

    I thought I was in love before. A few times. I don't think I am anymore, I know I am and that's all that matters, Our happiness together is the most important thing to us. M

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  42. My husband and I are at the 100/100. And we are 21 and newly wedded. I hope many couples read this article.

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  43. My wife and I have been married for 10 years. About 7 months ago, I found out that my wife had been in a torrid, year long, affair with an older, married, man from the work place. Unfortunately I stumbled accross it by reading emails between her and him. The emails expressed passion and feeling that I have never heard from my wife. I think that my wife had intentions on leaving me and our 2 small children, but she has yet to be completely honest with me about anything concerning this.

    As we are trying to rebuild this marriage, lots of counseling, I have expressed to her that I wish to have the relationship with her that she had for the last year. She says she loves me and that we do have that relationship, unfortunately I read the emails, so I know it is not even close.

    How to we make this marriage a 100/100 given the crisis that we have been through? Is it unreasonable of me to want this kind of fantasy life with her?

    Thanks.

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  44. A marriage can survive an affair, if there is still love between you. In fact, an affair can help learn about what is causing dissatisfaction in the marriage. But do not expect the same "madly in love" emotions as you perceive in the emails between your wife and her lover. A "lover" can cause a rush of hightened passion with the longing and secret trysts, and because it is "new". You probably had similar heat for each other when you first dated, too. After ten years, a marriage evolves from being driven by intense romantic feelings, to mutual admiration and raising your family. You seem to still love her, so forgive your wife, and stop comparing what you think her feelings are for "him". Afterall, she is choosing to work it out with you, and that says a lot about her wish to remain committed to your marrigae. Good luck!

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  45. Written like a man that has his wife doing the dishes.

    If this fluff took more than 10 mins to spew down then you are in the wrong line of work, and your wife is in fact doing way more than her share. But if she believes you - you are golden. When she decides that your endevors are not valid; she will peer into that sink and see many sharp items and have ideas about collecting some lost percentages.

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  46. I would like to say that from a husbands point of view that women can take us for granted just as much if not more than the other way around. I get up before my wife and start getting myself ready then I wake her and the kids. She gets in the shower and gets herself ready, I finish getting ready and get the kids ready, and get the kids to school and daycare. We have the same job but I out produce her, more productive and make more (sales). If she cooks I clean up. She does her share but she is not grateful of what I do. If I am tired and would like fifteen minutes to kick back I am not holding up my side. If I want a romantic evening and she is tired I am being inconsiderate of her. I feel that their is a definite double standard. I am the one that takes the kids by myself many days and don't mind at all (after all their my kids also)

    Lets hear a little about the other side of the story also

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  47. I am a 43-year old highly educated successful man who is married to a woman who, in her own words, is a slob. I am organized, neat and meticulous. Consequently, I do nearly all of the housework and pick up after my wife. When I ask her to do her part, she says it is not who she is, even when I tell her that I would really appreciate it. We also have two children, and I find myself straightening their room (along with them), but my wife is fine if the children's room is messy. My wife and I are in the same profession, but I work more hours and care more about advancement. My wife has a lot of free time, which she chooses to spend on activities, like Facebook, that do not contribute to the overall well-being of the family. I have sacrificed and been patient, but I am proud of our home and want it to look relatively clean and clutter-free. Is there something wrong with me?

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  48. She's been honest with you, you knew her deal going into the relationship. Maybe at the time of wedding you thought you were responsible /tidy enough for the both of you. You still are. If not, hire a maid. What's more important to you, a wife who cooks and cleans, or a happy marriage? I am speaking from experience. My wife and I still--after 16 years--fight about who is lazier.

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  49. From what I see marriage is NEVER fifty fifty, someone always does more, sometimes WAY more. Anonymous, you are not alone. I pay 90% of the bills,the mortgage, do all the housework,- clean, cook, childcare etc. On the flip side, my husband mows the lawn, and is our family chauffeur ( I don't have a license.)

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  50. Stay single till you are old and really need someone around;)

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  51. Hey, ladies...here's the biggest "secret" to get your husband to commit to the 100/100 (which means him doing housework): respect him. Your eyes went wide right there, didn't they?

    BTW, I'm a happily married wife with a very happy husband.

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  52. I have gone through periods where my wife and I were very close to divorce and I have tried so many things to try to make things better.

    She stays home and I work - and - I do almost all of the household chores. I vacuum, I do ALL the laundry, I take out garbage and recycling, mow the lawn, clean up, etc. She cooks most of the means but hand me her plate after dinner and expects me to put everything away. She sits there while i clear the table and load the dishwasher.

    When I ask her for help she is always too busy! In reality she is sitting there not busy at all but doesnt want to help. On a nightly basis I`m carrying loads of laundry, putting stuff away, in the kitchen emptying the dishwasher,etc. I`m doing stuff that she has just left for me to do once i get home from work.

    It is so frustrating - working full time and having a wife that really doesnt do anything around the house. I clean up after her - she leaves dirty laundry on the floor - I pick it up and wash it.

    She views any housework she does as "helping" me. I think that as a stay at home mom she should be taking responsibility for the household chores. I`m happy to "help" but shouldnt be the only one. If I stopped doing laundry (or anything else for that matter) it would pile up and be on me in the end.

    Frustrated...

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  53. It is hard to balance work with the other half, but in the end we need to focus more on the fact that we do it to please the other. Thanks for sharing this post! Love it.

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