May 25, 2008

How To Deflect Unexpected Sexual Tension

Contrary to what we might have thought about the subject before we got married, married men are still attracted to beautiful women. Usually these are manageable feelings of attraction, as we only see these women in passing and can help starve our eyes for our wives by simply glancing away. The moment of sexual tension is short; whether you won or lost, the battle is over.

But sometimes it's not so easy. Sometimes we're put in a one-on-one situation with a gorgeous woman and we can't do anything but think about the sexual tension. This may be at a dinner party, at the office, or with a random waitress at a restaurant. Sometimes it can even happen in the presence of our own wives.

And I call it sexual tension because feeling attracted to a woman other than your wife causes a bunch of crazy feelings inside. Yes, you are attracted, but no, you can't pursue those feelings. Yes, she is beautiful, but no, she is not yours to look at. Sometimes we can be tempted to be a little flirty, and sometimes it's awkward because you don't want to be flirty but you can't think of anything else to say that would ease the building tension.

I once heard a fantastic piece of advice to help during these times. Whenever you find yourself in these awkward situations with attractive women, talk about your wife. In a positive way, bring her up as often as you can. Look for ways to compliment her and share how much you love her. This obviously needs to be done tactfully, but by positively bringing up your wife during conversations with a woman you're attracted to, you will remind both yourself and the other woman that you have a wife, and that you love her very much.

And by doing this, the tension inside should start to ease.

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  1. Great post, keep up the good work. It may take awhile, but with honesty like this, I'm sure other guys that discover your site will be coming back. Thanks for the encouragement. I'm a big everyman's book reader.

  2. A lot of guys think that if they find a woman attractive, they have to DO something about it.


    If you are attracted to a woman, just enjoy that energy. Don't feel a need to come on to her or dominate her with your feelings.

    I think it's awesome if my husband has that kind of moment with another woman. Yes, he knows I love him and dig him - but we're married. Having a total stranger give him or me that feeling is a complete validation. He feels like the sexiest man on earth and is a total stallion when WE get to the bedroom.

    It doesn't detract anything from your wife unless you let it.

    So don't act on it, enjoy and appreciate it. Know that it comes from a love of 'women' and that specific woman. If you are constantly damping down your sexual energy, you may have trained yourself to do that - even in the presence of your wife.

    Which is why your advice of talking about your wife is FANTASTIC, because it reinforces sexual attraction = wife.

    Love it.

  3. *and NOT that specific woman.


  4. I agree that talking about the wife works to break down the tension. As well, speaking of your children or indeed even having them be present if chance allows it can work too. It simply makes realistic to both persons the fact that one of them has a life, a family, a history and a present.

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  6. Many married men have behaved flirtatiously toward me. At 18 it was flattering. As a young lady with self-respect you didn’t wish to respond and if a crush developed it would go nowhere anyway. As a faithful married person, I was oblivious; as a separated divorcing young person, I wanted no hits on me so let it be known I was married. As one who developed spiritual faith and belief some time after a brief failed marriage, I learned how to handle it appropriate with my values.

    Divorced at 27 from a mismatched marriage, & having moved back to family and friends, I attended church with and was touched by love and faith emanating from Christians. Moved by sermons and scriptures applicable to my life, witnessing joyful expectation expressed in action and words of Christians who practiced applying His Word to all aspects of their lives, I was captivated by the promises inherent in walking faithfully with God.

    Genuine joy, enthusiasm and a fresh and innocent cognitive expectation of what would become of my life, and being committed to another believer so blessed, has been my spiritual standing and desire while my faith has grown as a believer.

    When you experience and observe broken lustful and hurtful relationships over the years, why not try God’s ways? It is very appealing to see Godly, Christian love in peaceful relationships. Each serve God; both go together to Him seeking His guidance and love to see them through disagreement.

    Within His answers, I'm reminded to "Cast down imaginations . . . " and "Take captive every thought to make it obedient to the Word of God," verses that support spiritual dedication to God, and that help us to be the emotionally pure partners we want to be for our spouses. We are never left defenseless when we honor, worship and serve God together.

    With God’s guidance, there is genuine enthusiasm in our marriages because we re-experience innocence, sincerity and joyful expectation of the good loving God brings. The person we love is new to us each day and we are blessed such that we desire no part of “sexual tension” representative of unfaithfulness, wronging those we love, and failure in relationships. When hooked up with God, all wonderful things and outcomes are more possible.

    When you express, “. . . The moment of sexual tension is short; whether you won or lost, the battle is over. . . . But sometimes it's not so easy,” and since your desire is to have the feelings of attraction pass: “And by doing this, the tension inside should start to ease,” you appear that you could truly use God’s inspiration. Through the satisfying spiritual food we get from Him and His higher ways, we are empowered to have victory in all such situations. It is no longer just me, but God and I who conquer together.

  7. Noticing the beauty around you shows that you are a living, observant human being.

    When you indulge in your favorite music, it might be upbeat rock and alternative; you might prefer guitar and stringed instruments. That wouldn't exclude you from noting how pretty an Italian melody on the keyboard might be.

    An observation and your perception of it might be out of your control. How you choose to process that perception and act or not on it, is within your control.

    Rather than move to the term "sexual tension," realize that there are gozillions of attractive people in this world, some cross our paths, some don't. Your efforts to love your family might be wise to conclude they can observe and think on these attractive people to any extent they so choose along with you. Observing that someone was graced at birth with good looks or perhaps can work well with what they started out with, needn't be elevated to "sexual tension." Since your desire is truly only for your spouse and your purpose is to remain faithful, choose the high road. Honor your family aloud if it helps in any way, but seek ways to keep your thoughts and actions pure as you would want done by your spouse for you. You'll be acting in accordance with your true goals and desires, and feel more desirable to your spouse for being the faithful man you want to be.

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  9. I'm on my 3rd marriage. Hasn't been perfect,of course. But it offends me when I see my husband "check out" other women because it's telling me that he finds other women More attractive than me. And I feel that anything I do to be more attractive isn't doing any good. Thats just my view.