April 25, 2008

Tell Her...Ahead Of Time

Unmet expectations are the worst.

So I'm sitting at my computer, working hard and minding my own business when it hits me: I'd really like to get intimate tonight. I'm not sure where the thought came from, but the thought is in my mind and isn't going anywhere. For the rest of the day dreams of what will be fill my head and I get more and more excited about enjoying one of God's greatest gifts to marriage.

But my wife is having different thoughts. She's spent the day cleaning house and running errands. She's tired, but needs to call her mom before we go to bed. She's looking forward to crashing, and I'm feeling frustrated. I go to bed depressed; I don't want to tell her, but it's been on my mind all day.

This situation has repeated itself throughout our entire marriage in different ways. And there's no reason it shouldn't; we live two different lives and live a life together. Things are going to get in the way, and I will have to understand that. But I have discovered a wonderful marriage tool that can really help keep our sexual desires on the same schedule.

Now when I get that desire during the day, I simply pick a good moment to go up to her, hug her, and say that I'd really like to make love with her that night. By doing something so simple, she gets the rest of the day to expect what's coming. And when you both know it's coming, you both get to enjoy it.

Because unmet expectations are the worst.


  1. you know... men aren't the only ones who feel this way... except i think that with women, we want for the men to initiate it as confirmation of their desire for us... and then if they don't, it's a bad feeling as well.

    i think that the way you plan on handling it is a good way... although that too can backfire on you if you're wife is like me...for some odd reason, that expectation of what's in store for later can add some more pressure and stress... cuz then it becomes like "oh no, do i have time to get ready for tonight? will i have enough energy? what if i'm exhausted by tonight and don't want to have sex? will i disappoint him? then will he cheat?"of course not all women see it this way, i guess just the weird ones like me... anywho, it's great to see a man's perspective on marriage!

  2. Thanks for sharing, Bella. I am just one man in one marriage and so it is good to hear from others who are coming from different places with different likes and dislikes.

    Though I don't want to oversimplify your answer, I think what you've said is just another good reason of why it is so important that husbands and wives can talk openly about their sex lives. Being able to say, "I really have a lot to do today," will also give him time to readjust his expectations.

    Thanks for your thoughts!

  3. Bella, I can relate to what you're saying and I can relate to what he's saying too. Sometimes you do have to make an effort to work it into a schedule of sorts - but if every initiation lacks spontaneity, it can start to feel like just another chore to schedule in..and that's not sexy.

    So I guess for my husband and I, we try to have a little balance of both - sometimes we're spontanious, and sometimes he lets me know ahead of time so that I can make it a priority for the night..

  4. anonymous and husband...
    great points! as a newly wed, i think that my perception on things is a little different because it's so new to me... i think that the balance is great...

    i guess my question now is who is the initiator? like do you plan ahead for that? or do is it solely the responsibility of the man/woman to be an initiator? and what if it's only one that does it?

    alot of questions, i know...lol

  5. Im with Bella on this. Telling your wife ahead of time can out pressure on your wife. Then on the other had it could lite a fire in her, hopefully she has the same thoughts that the husband has. Making the end of the night GREAT! Initiating is a struggle I have and its not sexy at all. Any suggestions?

  6. anonymous...

    b/c you're anonymous (neither male or female) this may or may not help...

    i know for me, i love it when my husband is confident and just takes control of the sexual situation... what i mean by this is making me feel like i'm the most desired woman in the world. this can make me forget whatever else i have going on in the world and i get caught up in the whims of love and lust... it helps when men exude confidence in what they are doing...

  7. Thanks Bella! What are some other ways to initiate sex with your wife? Being spontanious can get a little old and make cause frustration. What would be some pointers to setting the mood?

  8. one spontaneous example i have is that i was out and about on my own running errands and decided i didn't want to wait until before bed to make love. i sent my wife a text message and said something like, "i would love to make love to you when i get home."

    she liked the idea, and we enjoyed ourselves as soon as I got home.

  9. anonymous
    that sounds nice! i got that book "101 Romantic Nights" and that's really helped us...

    what are you guys' thoughts on open marriages?

  10. I live in the different country, different world but marriage problems are same everywhere :D

    I love to be "informed" about his plans, in a sexy way, like coming to me while I'm washing dishes f.e. and touching me intimately, letting know that he wants to have sex later. or sending sexy sms, if not at home. this turns me on.

    AND this does not exclude spontaneous sex.