The D Word

Let's throw an idea out there that is probably one of the simplest things you can do to really strengthen your marriage.

In his last post, A Husband made brief mention of something that I want to address on its own. It's a matter of steering clear of one word, making up your mind never to bring it up when referring to your relationship with your wife: Divorce.

Make up your mind that in your interactions with your wife, you absolutely will not bring up the possibility of your marriage ending in divorce. Not during arguments, not in passing comments, not even while joking (even if she is laughing along).

I don't say this because of anything that has to do with the word itself; it's just the whole concept and possibility it represents. You may not even realize it, but when you introduce and acknowledge the possibility of divorce into your marriage relationship, it isn't easily forgotten and doesn't easily vanish, especially when the going gets tough.

The lifelong commitment you made when you married her was way too awesome, courageous, and manly a thing to slowly chip away at through careless and unnecessary comments about divorce.

Ten Simple Secrets To Keeping Her Happy

I stumbled across an article posted by a Peter Myers here, which was actually taken from a story that is officially posted at MensHealth.com here, which they say is actually taken from a site called BestLifeOnline.com. (I did a quick search for it there, but couldn't find the original.)

Pointless things aside, thanks to Peter I came across Confessions of a Perfect Husband: 10 Simple Secrets To Keeping Her Happy, a very well-written article by Hugh O'Neil. The article is definitely worth a read, but I thought I would sum up the author's main points here.

Kill 'Never' and 'Always' – "They're-gas-on-the-fire-words."

Work the reunions – "She gets only a sliver of your attention [when you come home]. Not good enough."

Laugh at her – "What's that you say? Your wife isn't funny? So what? Neither is your dolt of a boss, but you laugh at his lame attempts. Why? Because you're trying to prove you respect him. Bingo!"

Make the lions roar – "...be prepared to bark in unambiguous defense of your family. Don't shrink from this obligation. Your wife's regard for you will shrink if you do."

Be a little lamb-like, too – "A good husband relies on his wife, values her counsel, trusts her to love him even though he's not in command."

She needs closeness to feel sexual, you need sex to feel close – "I have no idea what to do about this. But great husbands have this reality in mind at all times."

Be touchy – "Nonsexual touch is a potent, underused endorsement of another soul."

See the coffee cup – "We don't help enough around the house. We're guilty. But here's the fix: Do more. Not a lot more--just a little more. One of the best things about women is that they really appreciate the smallest sign that you're trying. They're effort oriented."

She ain't broke, so don't fix her – "People rarely change unless they feel accepted as they are. Once folks feel they're not required to change, growth happens."

Play to win – "Set yourself free to play bravely by taking the big risk, divorce, off the table. Decide that you meant what you said at the wedding, that this woman, come what may, is your partner for life."

Mr. O'neil seriously nailed it with this one. Look at that list again. Which ones do you struggle with? What can you do about that today?

Marriage Is Not 50/50

I hate it when I hear married couples say things to each other like, "It's your turn," or "I did it last time." Even before I was married, hearing exchanges like this made me feel really uncomfortable. They reminded me of how my sister and I would argue over chores, and I most certainly didn't want to marry my sister. Hearing people say, "Marriage is a 50/50 relationship" didn't sit well with me either. Then one day the thought hit me:

Marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100.

The 50/50 mindset is self-seeking. It's when we say things like, "I did the dishes last time, so I don't to have do them this time." And whenever you are asked to do more than your share, you are tempted to be put out. 100/100, however, carries a whole different perspective. Instead of being focused on what you give with your half and what you get from hers, you are solely seeking to satisfy her needs. You'll still both take turns, but not because it's your right, but because you're submitting to each other's love. And 100/100 keeps no record of who did what last. This is yet another way of answering the question, "How have I shown my wife that I love her today?"

There are many times when it is my turn to do the dishes, but because I have something else I need to do (like this very post, for example), my wife goes ahead and does them. We don't keep track, we just keep working at 100%.

When we are focused on each doing only our own half we are centered on where my job ends and hers begins. But marriage is about teamwork, and what team ever got anywhere with the players only giving fifty percent? If we want to succeed in marriage, both sides have to give it their all, all the time.

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A Romantic Comedy You Both Will Love

My wife and I were hopelessly searching the video store one night when we decided to take a chance on a movie neither of us had heard about before. It was called Little Manhattan, and it is hilarious.

Most guys steer clear of romantic comedies and all of their predictable plot lines, much to the disappointment of our female counter parts, so I thought I'd give you all a heads up on a romantic comedy that you both will enjoy — guaranteed.* Every single couple we've recommended this movie to has loved it, even though almost every single time, the man has been pretty hestitant to believe me.

The story's about an eleven-year old boy's first love. The gold in this movie is that it is narrated by the thoughts of this boy as he is dealing with the change of going from hating girls to liking them, and they nail every thought every guy has ever had during these formative years. The women like it because it's cute, and the men like it because they can relate.

So, surprise your wife with a romantic comedy this week. She'll appreciate the thoughtfulness, and you will both enjoy the movie.

*Okay, so I really can't guarantee it, but I thought it just made the point sound stronger.

How To Have A Conversation With Your Wife

I found a great blog called The Simple Marriage Project that's got a lot of great stuff on it. One article that really stood out to me was "The Art Of Marital Conversations." This article connected with me right away because I have long since understood that having a real, productive conversation with someone is very much an art.

We cannot talk to our wives in the same ways we talked to our brothers and sisters when we were young; that accomplishes nothing, and we can't call mom when we hit an impasse. (Maybe I need to say, You had better not call mom when you hit an impasse. More on that in a later post.)

I encourage you to read his whole article, but below are his main pointers when having a conversation with your wife. (I've highlighted the parts that I really liked.)

Talk face to face. Anytime you are in a discussion with your spouse that is beyond the scheduling or surface level, do it face to face. If this is not possible, the phone will work, although this can limit the connection and increase the possibility of misunderstandings. Never try to cover deeper issues via email or text messages.

Turn off other distractions during the conversation. If you’re working on the computer, minimize the work or better yet, shut the whole thing off. If you’re watching TV, turn it off. If you are afraid of missing something in the game, get Tivo.

Don’t answer the phone. If it rings in the middle of the conversation, you have voicemail for a reason. Let it do it’s job.

Take the time to listen to her point of view. You are only one part of the relationship. Consider her side of things and ask for clarity if you don’t get what she’s saying. You don’t have to agree with everything she says to still love her. But it will help to understand her if you listen.

Forget about being right or wrong. As soon as the discussion turns to who’s right and who’s wrong, you’ve both lost. If you have an insatiable need to always be right when it comes to your spouse, riddle me this: what’s it like to be married to a loser? If you have to always be right, that makes your spouse always wrong. It’s not about right or wrong most of the time.

I can relate to all of these on some level. From personal experience, being intentional about these five things can improve your marriage exponentially in a very short time. Just wondering: which of these points really hit home for you?

The Next Generation

When my wife and I were expecting our first child, I was struck by how often older guys who were already dads would make negative remarks about it. It wasn't that they were trying to discourage me. It was just that, given the opportunity to speak to a "new guy" from their experience as dads, they almost couldn't resist letting me know what a drag it could be or warning me about all the stuff I was soon going to be missing out on.

If we're not careful, we can be the same way when it comes to getting married. You've been married for several years, or maybe even just a few months, but in that time your marriage has had its ups and downs. Then along comes some starry-eyed young guy who is in love and looking forward to his wedding day and the blissful life that he'll have with his new bride. Do you sometimes find yourself wanting to deflate his bubble just a little bit? Maybe wanting to make sure he's clued in to the disappointments he's sure to face?

Catch yourself in these times. We husbands have a responsibility to mentor, encourage, and equip the next generation of guys that follows us. Instead, we sometimes can't seem to resist squelching the enthusiasm (or feeding the uncertainty) of these younger grooms.

There is a time and place for having a down-to-earth conversation with a groom-to-be about the realities of marriage, but casual, off-handed comments are not the place for it. These guys have a chance to start their marriages on the right foot and be the best husbands they can be. Let's make sure that what they're hearing from us is only furthering their desire to do that.

— Another Husband